Comedy Central Roasts (TV Series)

Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff (2010)

Seth MacFarlane: Self - Roastmaster

Photos 

Quotes 

• [to Hasselhoff] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : The one thing we'll remember you for is Pam Anderson's tits.

• Seth MacFarlane : Pamela Anderson is here tonight.

  [In Stewie Griffin's voice, pointing at her] 

  Seth MacFarlane : There they are. There's Pam's tits.

• Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : You will always be Mitch Buchanan from "Baywatch" to me.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : This is a show that did for lifeguards what skin cancer did for lifeguards.

  [laughter] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : Yes, for all his achievements, for all this man's many achievements, it was really "Baywatch" that made David a global celebrity. David had an important role. An important role on "Baywatch"; his job was to kill boners.

  [laughter] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : But David is more than just a terrible actor.

  [laughter] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : He's also a terrible singer. He's... he's the only singer in history whose Auto-Tune just said "Fuck it."

• Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : Guys, you saw from his big entrance, David is hooked on a feeling. The feeling he gets from six Vicodin.

  [laughter] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : Recently, however, he... hasn't had

  [air quotes] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : "time" to do another huge singing event. Just like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck haven't had "time" to write another screenplay.

  [laughter] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : Or Anderson Cooper hasn't had "time" to find that special lady.

  [laughter] 

  Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : And the Hoff is multilingual; yeah, you may not know this, he can speak, uh, what, English, Spanish, German, and whatever the fuck that language was in that cheeseburger video.

• Seth MacFarlane - Roastmaster : David, your acting is like "Inception"; there's no sense of reality, it's impossible to follow what's happening, and midway through, we realize you were unconscious the whole time.

• Seth MacFarlane : He is one of the most controversial and reviled figures in human history. His march to infamy began by storming the beaches with a blonde-haired blue-eyed army of brainless followers. At the peak of his powers, thousands of Germans gathered to listen to him stand before a microphone and spew his hateful insane croakings. But soon he was bombed, tanked, and hammered, and as he lay on the floor of his bunker eating his last meal, he vowed that one day, he would rise again... then fall again... and then throw up and rise again. Tonight, he returns to face his accusers, to pull out his dick at the after-party and to finally complete his master plan: to invade Pam Anderson. Ladies and gentlemen, stand and salute the next ruler of the world, David Hasselhoff!