Dark Horse (2011)
Abe: We're all horrible people. Humanity's a fucking cesspool. People look in the mirror every fucking day and lie to themselves, saying they're good or caring or loving, but deep down - not so deep down - they only care about themselves. People... People treat you like shit, every fucking day, and then they act like other people are shit... so they get a pet that's all cute and cuddly, but even an animal knows the hard, primal truth: It is all about what you want; and, if there's any kindness or generosity, it only comes after being well-fed, or having good sex, or knowing that you weren't wiped out like all the other suckers on Wall Street.
Phyllis: Hey, you wanna play a quick round, just for fun?
Abe: First the check.
Phyllis: Can I pay you in installments?
Abe: Can you believe my father? I mean, like, I didn't even do anything, and yet, somehow, it's all... always all my fault.
Marie: Well, family and business is always a tricky combination.
Abe: Everything would be fine if he wasn't such a fucking asshole. You see the way he talks to me.
Abe: You know, if it wasn't for my dad, I could've been a singer.
Miranda: [reconsidering her rejection of Abe's marriage proposal] I should stop trying to slit my wrists, give up on a literary career, give up on hope, ambition, success, independence, self-respect. I should just get married and have children.
Miranda: [having just been kissed by Abe] Oh, my god. That wasn't horrible. Things could've been so much worse.
Abe: I'm not a kid.
Marie: I know. Next thing you know, you'll be fifty and your life will be over, and you'll still be living at home.
Abe: You know, it costs a lot of money to move out. I'm not rich!
Marie: You're a cheapskate and a freeloader. Face it.
Abe: There're my parents! They need me!
Marie: No. Grow up. No one needs you.
Arnie: Well, you say you like the dark horse, then you throw a fit when they don't come through.
Mahmoud: Abe, I know that life has been unfair to you because it has given you every possible advantage, so your feelings of inadequacy are endless and unrelenting.
Mahmoud: Poor thing. You really don't get it, do you?
Abe: Get what?
Mahmoud: Everyone has a receipt, and it never adds up.
Abe: My mother said that she thinks you're... pregnant. Is it true?
Miranda: You know your mom.
Abe: I know. That's why I'm asking, because, if it's true, if you're carrying my baby, it's gonna be okay.
Miranda: Don't worry. I'm not.
Abe: Miranda, I know this might take you by surprise, I mean, like, totally wild and crazy, I know. I'm just a dark horse at heart, but I always just tell myself "Abe, go for it!"
Abe: Miranda, I wanna marry you. Will you accept? Don't say anything. Just think about it. I know. It's totally crazy. I know. I just wanted to put it out there, let you know how I feel, but let's just push that aside for now. You wanna go to the movies, do to the mall or somethin', pick up some tacos?
Abe: [at the toy store customer service counter] I'm looking for my financeé.
Jiminy: I'm sorry. We don't carry any fianceés here.
Abe: But I know she's here.
Jiminy: Maybe you'd like to try one of our other outlets?
Abe: Look, I just told you she's here! Do I have to talk to the store manager?
Jiminy: Sorry. He's out for lunch, but he'll be back in a few minutes, if you'd like to wait.
Abe: No, I would not like to wait. I paid for a financeé and I want her now!
Jiminy: Maybe you'd like to flip through our catalogue. We could special order for you, if you'd like, but I'm afraid, once a purchase has been opened, it can't be returned - store policy.
Abe: But I have a receipt.