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"NCIS" A Man Walks Into a Bar... (TV Episode 2011) Poster

(TV Series)

(2011)

Quotes

Dr. Rachel Cranston: [Vance is reading the Doctor's report] "Director Vance, spending time with your agents has been... enlightening to say the least. In clinical terms, they're a disaster. But their selfless disfunction is ultimately why it works. It's clear to me that we all react to life's challenges in different ways. Some fight death. And some embrace its solace. Some recognize their fate, and others do whatever is necessary to alter it. Sometimes we defy other's expectations and occassionally we rise to meet them. But the constant is being true to ourselves. We do what we have to when we have to. We react for better or worse. It's why your team succeeds. But be careful, eventually it might catch up to you. A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun."

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Navy Captain Thomas Lind: I'm trying to get this ship underway. What the Hell's so important the XO can't come to me? Where's the Commander? Is there a problem, Mr. Howard?

Navy Ensign David Howard: I just found him.

[the Captain sees the body]

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: I spoke with your in-house psych service unit. No time for them either. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding us.

Leon Vance: Our case takes priority.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: Some would say that's uh, shortsighted.

Leon Vance: Well, the victim's family wouldn't.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: I promise that I won't be intrusive. I prefer to be out in the field when I evaluate, so your team should not experience any down time. It, uh, should be painless.

Leon Vance: Oh, I'm not worried about them. *You* on the other hand.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: Skin's thicker than it looks. So who should I start with?

Leon Vance: Pardon?

Dr. Rachel Cranston: In your opinion, who has the most to talk about?

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Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, you may want to stop acting like a jackass.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's not an ass. It's hor... hor... I can explain, Sir!

[DiNozzo turns around and notices Vance and Cranston]

Leon Vance: Settle in, Doctor. This should be good.

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Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: All of you, make some time for the Doctor. Director Vance's orders.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: What are we supposed to talk about?

Dr. Rachel Cranston: Well, believe it or not, most people talk about their sex lives.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That rules Tim out.

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Ziva David: Dedication is important to me.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: Hasn't that been something that, uh, you've been juggling your whole life?

Ziva David: I-I-I do not know what you mean.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: Juggling dedication to uh, family, to country, to job.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: The-the thing that puzzles me, with all this change, alligence to country, of the types of me you're drawn to: what is it that you're looking for? What is it that you want?

Ziva David: [Long pause] I want... something... permanent. Something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: I know you historically have issues with uh, professional women.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, I like women. I just don't like it when they ask a lot of questions.

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Abby Sciuto: Trust me, honey. You don't have enough hours in the day.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: I'll find the time, Miss Scuito. Don't you worry.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: Well, you aren't gettting any younger. I'm sure you recognize the irony of quietly facing the dead everyday.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Not only do I recognize the irony, I embrace it.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: I thought you said the suspect was still on board the Colonial.

Special Agent Timothy McGee: He is but it's still protocol to check. Didn't I tell you to wait outside?

Dr. Rachel Cranston: Psychiatrists never listen.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: I have nothing to criticise. You are so totally grounded in self-confidence. You make goth look... gorgeous and fun.

Abby Sciuto: I'm not a goth. I'm a... scientist.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: And a great one. But you work too hard. Is there any Abbey time?

Abby Sciuto: I make sandwhiches for the Shelter on Sundays.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: That's not relaxing.

Abby Sciuto: I drive for the food bank.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: All work and no play.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: [DiNozzo looking at the victim in the morgue] What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Man works his whole life. Dedicates himself to his job. And he has nothing to show for it.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: How does that make you feel?

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...Afraid.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you that.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Long pause] I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: Still one agent I haven't spoken to yet.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Well, that's not gonna happen.

Dr. Rachel Cranston: I forgot, you're perfect.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: No, I'm not. I'm just too set in my ways to change now.

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Dr. Rachel Cranston: You've been better at letting go than I have.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You don't forget. You just move on.

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Min Ho Kwon: How can I prove my innocence?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: An alibi would be nice.

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Commander Reynolds was killed last night at approximately 2am.

Min Ho Kwon: I was in my stateroom.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Doing what?

Min Ho Kwon: My actions are not your concern.

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: On a U.S. Naval vessel, they sure as hell are! You're about to be accused of murdering an American officer. Do you understand what's at stake here?

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Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [with Dr. Cranston in his basement] Stand right here. Right there. Look down. You feel that? Right there?

Dr. Rachel Cranston: What?

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure.

[flashback of Ziva killing Ari]

Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Now the rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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