- Andy Richter: [Whispering to Zach] I didn't even know it was a church, she didn't even tell me...
- Himself - Host: [Interrupts him] shh, shut the fuck up
- Himself - Host: [to the camera] Welcome to another episode of Between Two Ferns, I'm your host Zach Galifianakis, I'd like to welcome my guest, Conan O'Brien.
- Andy Richter: [stands up and claps]
- Conan O'Brien: [to Andy] I didn't know you were here.
- Andy Richter: [to Conan] you don't own me.
- Conan O'Brien: [to Zach while looking at Zach's blue sport coat] How are you, good to see you, congratulations on the new "role," I understand your playing "Poppa Smurf", the live action "Poppa Smurf" movie.
- Himself - Host: [annoyed] Steve Allen, Jack Parr, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien.
- Himself - Host: [to Conan] I was just listing my favorite Tonight Show hosts in order.
- Conan O'Brien: [Sarcastically to Zach] Alright well thank you for having me on the show, great to be here, I'm having a really good time hosting The Tonight Show, we're having a lot of laughs, we've taped about forty shows so far, two of them quite good.
- Andy Richter: I remember those.
- Himself - Host: [to Conan, feeling belittled] did anyone ever tell you seem like the black Byron Allen?
- Conan O'Brien: [to Zach] People make fun of my complexion I'm pretty pale, I use an SPF 125 when I go to the beach, it actually shoots light back at the sun.
- Himself - Host: [Presses the red button] this is the sound of crickets riding on a tumbleweed.
- Conan O'Brien: [Sarcastically] That's helpful.
- Himself - Host: [to Conan] When you go home at night, you watch yourself, do you...
- Conan O'Brien: Do I what?
- Himself - Host: [Implying masturbation] Touch it?
- Conan O'Brien: OK...
- Himself - Host: I'm just asking because Andy and I go to dinner on the weekends sometimes and he tells me a few "things."
- Conan O'Brien: [to Zach, referring to Andy] So you guys are "pals"? That's it? You guys are "pals and get together at the Waffle House...
- Himself - Host: Andy and I have the same trainer
- Conan O'Brien: the same trainer?
- Conan O'Brien: [Sarcastically, seeing how out of shape fit Andy and Zach are] He must be an awesome trainer, working out with you two guys.
- Himself - Host: Yeah he actually is pretty good
- Conan O'Brien: [amused] Yeah, does he also train the Michelin Man in his spare time?
- Andy Richter: [to Conan while Conan laughs] That's just hurtful.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [to Conan] Did you think you were going to be a talk show host when you were twenty-five years old?
- Conan O'Brien: What's funny is...
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [moves the red button closer to himself] I'm just getting ready.
- Conan O'Brien: When I was twenty-five years old I was actually thinking about being a male model but that didn't work out.
- Conan O'Brien: [Zach presses the red button and the crickets' sounds continues] Oh come on, this isn't bad.
- Conan O'Brien: When you started hosting you were nervous and sweaty and under prepared, desperate.
- Conan O'Brien: Well, yes, in 1993 I took over "Late Night"...
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [interrupts him] No, I'm talking about "The Tonight Show".
- Conan O'Brien: Ok, I don't know, I'm getting a... Are you mad at me or something? I just thought we were... What are you mad about?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: I feel like I have a shot at "The Tonight Show."
- Conan O'Brien: Pardon me? Is that what this is about? You wanted to host "The Tonight Show", I would've loved to see that "Tonight Show", you stumbling out there, sitting on an old chair from a public school, looking at a piece of paper, two freakin' ferns on either side of you "Tonight Show with Zach Galifianakis."
- Conan O'Brien: [impersonating a talk show announcer] Tonight he mumbles angrily at Meryl Streep.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [feeling insulted, to the camera] We're out of time for Conan and we'll welcome our next guest, please welcome Andy Dick.
- Andy Richter: [stands up clapping, Andy Dick shakes hands with everybody and sits in Conan's seat, Conan gets up and sits on the side of the stage]
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [to Andy Dick] Thanks for being on the show.
- Andy Dick: Thank you. Poppa Smurf called, he wants his suit back.
- [everyone laughs except Conan, segment ends]