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Vampires Suck More at IMDbPro »

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98 out of 138 people found the following review useful:

Giving "Twilight" the treatment it deserved!!!

9/10
Author: davewriter2003 from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
31 October 2010

Normally, I don't review movies on here, but when I read everyone else slamming this movie, I thought maybe they should get the perspective of someone who enjoyed it.

As a non-Twilight fan (haven't read the books and don't wish to for reasons to numerous to mention), I was determined to see this movie at the time when I wanted to tease a Twi-hard that I personally got to know from my disability social group about it. She refused to see this movie simply because they make fun of Twilight and Buffy, which motivated me even further.

First off, yes, there were a lot of corny sex jokes, fart jokes, pop culture and celebrity references that many reviewers said wore out their welcome with projects like Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans. That may be true, but think about this for a minute. We are talking about a franchise that has spent 500 or so pages going on and on about Edward Cullen's "great" looks, using every descriptive synonym known to man, resulting in the most annoying teenyboppers since Benji and Joel Madden put the oh-so-overrated Good Charlotte on the music map, them and the Jonas Brothers. Ask anyone who has hated the Twilight series from the start, or started to hate it once they got through their Twilight-gushing phase (in other words, they grew up and developed literary taste!) Neither the books nor the movies deserve even a quarter of the recognition they got, because all the people behind it want you to focus on is how a naive, despairing, depressed girl who doesn't know what she wants getting into a love triangle with a fairy vampire and a werewolf. That and how gorgeous Robert Pattinson looks in his sparkles and pale makeup, and the same with Taylor Lautner in his shirtless scenes. The result: hordes of groupie girls going so far as to unrealistically want to have Edward Cullen and Jacob Black's children, despite the fact they are fictional characters. It's ridiculous and absurd, to say the least!

This is why "Vampires Suck" can be halfway appreciated. You can easily laugh at the jokes in this movie because even those who hated it know that this highly overrated saga had this coming all along. And for the aforementioned crimes that this literary atrocity committed, the Twilight saga got the bashing and ridicule it so richly deserved.

So if you disliked it the first time because it made you think of the unfunny torture you experienced after flops like the Scary Movie franchise after the first movie, Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, and so on, I challenge you to watch this again when it comes out on DVD, and think about what the "Twilight" saga has done to the worlds of both literature and cinema. I guarantee you'll developa new appreciation for this particular one.

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102 out of 159 people found the following review useful:

An improvement on the previous spoofs, but not saying much

3/10
Author: moviewizguy from United States
10 July 2010

Becca, an anxious, non-vampire teen, is torn between two boys. Before she can choose, Becca must get around her controlling father, who embarrasses Becca by treating her like a child. Meanwhile, Becca's friends contend with their own romantic issues – all of which collide at the prom.

VAMPIRES SUCK will surprise many people because it's an improvement over the previous spoof films directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have been churning out for the past couple of years. However, that's like saying it's the better crap of all crap. The jokes still aren't funny and the filmmakers still don't realize the difference between satirizing and copying. But I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't find some good that came out of this film because there are some improvements.

First of all, the performances are great by the two leads. In her first film, Jenn Proske does a dead on impersonation of Kristen Stewart. However, it's sad to see her in this because I think she's better than this. Matt Lanter also does a great impersonation of Robert Pattinson in his "pain" look. I don't know what made Ken Jeong come aboard the film but he's basically playing the same character in THE HANGOVER. He's not in the film that much, though. Also, I think it's pretty great that Carmen Electra isn't in here and I'm sure others will agree.

The second obvious thing that stuck out to me was that the film focused on only the first two TWILIGHT films. The filmmakers finally learned that spoofing 600 movies is a bad thing. Saying that, the film still does have the many pop culture references, some too random to comment about. Fortunately, they really did tone it down quite a bit compared to the previous films where you get one every five seconds. You probably get one every five minutes here.

I also liked the fact that it looked like an actual film because if you saw MEET THE SPARTANS and DISASTER MOVIE, you'd know the films were filled with shoddy sets made up in ten minutes. In here, you might question if they stole the sets and locations from the TWILIGHT films. I don't know if this counts as something good but I really think the film manages to create a decent storyline from the first two TWILIGHT films.

Overall, the film is still bad because it's rarely funny, although I will admit I laughed at some bits that took a jab at the TWILIGHT series. If the story is better than the jokes itself, you know you got a bad comedy. It's an improvement from the last few spoof films, but that doesn't say much. I really don't recommend seeing it at all. If you must, just rent it on DVD that will inevitably come out a month after the film is released.

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114 out of 189 people found the following review useful:

This movie sucks....less than expected!

6/10
Author: badumtssh from United States
19 July 2010

After making the woefully regrettable decision to pay money to see "Epic Movie", I had vowed to stay far away from this movie and any other with the word "Movie" in the title. But, because I am faint of heart and/or an idiot, I allowed myself to be talked into watching a leaked version online because A) it was actually pretty funny, according to friends who had seen it already, B) it was only about 70 minutes long, and C) this Edward was actually hot. After watching it for myself, I would agree on all three counts (especially C….daaaaamn). It's no great cinematic achievement, but for a devoted Twilight hater such as myself, it was worth a chuckle or two.

Sure, "Vampires Suck" meets many of the same pitfalls other parody movies do. It operates under the delusion that anyone out of diapers thinks that a character being bludgeoned over the head time and time again for absolutely no reason is comedy gold. It often relies on stupid pop culture jokes (Look! A Jersey Shore reference! It's funny because it is a Jersey shore reference!) and unoriginal gross-out humor (it's funny because you want to vomit! Haha!). But, so help me if I didn't find myself laughing at the way the film mercilessly mocks everything laughable about the Twilight movies, a series that, let's face it, lends itself pretty easily to parody. In fact, all "Vampires Suck" really had to do was recreate the first two Twilight films pretty much scene-for-scene, tweaking here and there to make the scenes only slightly more ridiculous than the originals. The result is actually a pretty clever send-up of the ludicrously over-the-top melodrama that Twilight lovers eat up. This film holds a mirror up to pretty much everything laughable about the series that proves that a wildly successful book/movie franchise does not necessarily need a "plot": the rabidity of its fan base; the shameless parade of shirtless males; the idea that teenage Stephanie Meyer…er, I mean, Bella, would be the object of every hot guy's lust despite being a mopy sourpuss with no trace of a personality; the insistence that Robert Pattinson is "sexy". The actress who plays Bella, or "Becca," as she is renamed, does a killer job parodying Kristen Stewart's mannerisms (hair-tucking, downward gazes, constant lower-lip biting) by which I mean she mimics them exactly and everyone laughs at them because they are stupid. Mocking Twilight is not exactly hard to do, but I have to say this film does it quite cleverly at many points. I'll even say that the ending is magnificent.

Needless to say, "Vampires Suck" is for members of Team I Want a Boy Who Doesn't Want to Kill Me only, as I'm sure Twilight fans would not appreciate being forced to acknowledge that the thing they love is dumber than a sack of fruit fly larvae. However, since like I said the movie is pretty much just a re-creation of the original Twilight movies, many of the jokes are best appreciated having actually seen them. So you'll probably like this movie if you are not a Twilight fan, but have actually seen the movies because A) you were dragged there by a girl whose pants you really, REALLY wanted to get into, B) you were stoned, walked into the wrong theater, and failed to realize that it wasn't The Hangover until it was too late, or C) you are self-loathing and willingly subjected yourself to them out of morbid curiosity (like me).

So if you hate Twilight and everything it stands for, take a break from your violent (yet strangely erotic) fantasies about Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner and go see "Vampires Suck". It will ease your tortured soul, and maybe, just maybe, restore a molecule of faith in the parody genre. It couldn't possibly be worse than "Meet the Spartans".

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149 out of 265 people found the following review useful:

'Vampires Suck' ... SUCKED!

1/10
Author: Asia Gorton from United Kingdom
13 July 2010

So far, the Twilight films have been extremely disappointing and they have all received pretty low ratings from me. I decided to check out Vampires Suck, thinking it would be a good laugh. Unfortunately, I could count the amount of times I laughed on one hand.

The film was full of cheap gimmicks, badly written lines that were not even close to being funny and actually, much like the Twilight films themselves, terribly structured with mass chunks of uneventful time filling.

The lead actress is a fantastic Kristen Stewart impersonator - literally every twitch, facial expression and bodily movement is spot-on. Even her voice is extremely similar! Having never seen her in anything else however, it remains to be seen how far her acting skills actually stretch.

There is really nothing much to comment on, simply because there was nothing in the film that was really worth noting. Don't bother seeing this one - simply AWFUL!

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72 out of 124 people found the following review useful:

Further proof why Jason Friedberg and Andy Seltzer should stop making movies

2/10
Author: DonFishies from Canada
21 August 2010

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are the single worst filmmakers currently working in the realm of mainstream cinema. This pair of writers/directors is responsible for single-handedly destroying the parody genre. I consider their third film, Meet the Spartans, to be the single worst movie of the last decade – one which gave us a dozen well known and lesser known treasures by Uwe Boll. But where Boll shows ambition and dare I say, "style", Friedberg and Seltzer exhibit laziness and a lack of purpose. These two hacks throw in dated pop culture references and steal the work of others, and seem to get away with calling it comedy.

It is funny to note then that their first movie in two years, Vampires Suck, is a parody riffing on the Twilight series. The duo gleefully crib from Twilight and New Moon, providing us with the tale of new girl Becca (Jenn Proske) who falls in love with the vampire Edward (Matt Lanter), and all the problems that come with their newfound romance.

My immediate question, before even beginning to try and discuss this waste of time, is why did Friedberg and Seltzer ever think it was a good idea to make a parody of the Twilight series? The films are unintentionally hilarious as it is. And True Blood has been on for three seasons now, and for all intents and purposes, it is merely a darkly satirical and much more adult version of Twilight. So right off the bat, these two brilliant minds are mining at something that has already been done. I guess it was money, but who would knowingly believe Twilight fans would rush out to see a movie bashing their beloved franchise much less the haters who would not be caught dead seeing the film as it is?

It just seems overly baffling to me, what could possibly have made anyone think this film is a good idea. It recycles the unintentional jokes from the series, and packages them in a way that either rips them off lightly or just come off as not being anywhere near as funny as they were before. I chuckled at a few parts here and there, but they were only mild chuckles. There is nothing inherently funny or stands out as being hilarious at any given point in the film. Perhaps Friedberg and Seltzer are laughing – but no one else is laughing with them. I had the good fortune of not having to see this movie in a theatre, but I can imagine the film's showings are silent enough that the filmgoers can hear the projector whirling more than they can hear anyone laughing.

I will give credit however in the fact that unlike their previous atrocities and crimes against cinema-goers all over the world, Vampires Suck does not deviate from its riffing of the Twilight. Characters still make dated pop culture references (is anyone in five years even going to remember The Kardashians? I barely know who they are now), but no one from other films is just thrown into the film at random. The film never stops to suddenly jump into making fun of another film or franchise (outside of a total throwaway blink-and-you-will-miss-it gag involving Alice from Alice in Wonderland). It stays consistent throughout, and to me, suggests a minor development of maturity on the parts of the filmmakers. Or of course, they realized there was nowhere they could possibly throw someone like Justin Bieber or Cobb from Inception, and not confuse the audience even more than they like already are.

But this consistency comes with a price. Instead of whipping by, the film runs at an incredibly slow pace. I fell asleep twice, and somehow barely missed anything. They do a fairly nifty job of condensing the first two films, but it seems like they did not do nearly enough editing and whittling down. The film easily could have felt a lot faster paced, but it stalls a bit too much in almost every scene. And for a film that runs less than eighty minutes, it speaks a lot for what these two filmmakers were trying to accomplish or even what they wanted to show. If they cannot answer that simple question to the filmgoing public, then what is the point of even making movies in the first place?

You will need to sift through the increasing amount of junk and waste in Vampires Suck, but Proske is actually fairly good in her role (her acting debut, sadly). She has the Kristen Stewart impression and mannerisms down perfectly, and she almost came off as a better Bella than Stewart ever has. She also has a commanding aura about her, which suggests she is in store for much greater work in the future. As long as she runs away from everyone involved here, I am sure she can prove this soon enough. Unlike her, no one else even remotely stands out or is even half decent in the cast (Ken Jeong and Diedrich Bader go to complete waste in supporting roles). They all just go through the motions, and are just as lazy and half-assed as everyone else. But then, why should they bother if the filmmakers do not even try?

Despite being a lot more balanced than any of their brethren, Vampires Suck is still an awful and truly unfunny film that only further proves the point that Friedberg and Seltzer need to stop making movies. Even with a great lead, they still manage to botch the making of this film and still suffer from many of the problems their earlier films were plagued by. Years from now, will anyone even remember these films? Better yet, will anyone want to remember these films?

2/10.

(This review also appeared on http://www.geekspeakmagazine.com).

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53 out of 89 people found the following review useful:

It had a few one liners that made me chuckle, but that was it

Author: Gordon-11 from Earth
22 August 2010

This film is about a girl who moves into a village that is rampant with vampires. She falls in love with a vampire but she got dumped before the prom.

Seriously, what is the point of making "Vampire Sucks"? It's like remaking two films into one, but in a really bad way. The supposed spoofs are not even spoofs, but are just re-enactment of scenes from "Twilight" and "New Moon". The story is an amalgamation of the two films, but it is fragmented and incoherent. Most of the so called jokes are silly and simply ridiculous. There were a few one liners that made me chuckle, but most of the jokes were not funny.

Whatever you do, just don't pay to watch this.

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35 out of 56 people found the following review useful:

Did what it had to do - Make fun of Twilight!

7/10
Author: OmNomNom NomNom from New Zealand
17 August 2010

Being directed by the directors/writers of films such as the Scary Movie films, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc., I knew that Vampires Suck won't be good at all, and just when I was getting tired of these kind of films, I didn't need it to. I only wanted to see this because it parodies the crappiest crap in the history of crap literature and crap film. I saw it, didn't really like it, but I was surprised - It made fun of Twilight, yet it was better than it in every single way! Like I do with the other spoof films, I only watched this for some hilarity (which some of you should do instead of bashing it). I couldn't help but burst out laughing at all the jokes, even if some of them were predictable. It doesn't only parodize Twilight, but pokes a tongue at the monotony of teenagers girls who are all manipulative narcissists, or a soldier of "Team Jacob".

Compared to the forced acting in Twilight, the acting in this was Leonardo DiCaprio good. Their timing was perfect, they actually had facial expressions and varied their voice. Cough cough, Kristen. Cough cough.

The good thing is that it was less boring than Twilight. It didn't waste its time on boring, senseless conversations - It was more "action-packed", it had more blood, the vampires actually seemed like vampires, and yes - You will see its astonishing horrible special effects that you always find in the other spoof films! Futheremore, the ending was epic!!! Let's just put it at that - One of the greatest film endings of all time...

I think this is the second best spoof movie that I have seen (Spaceballs) being the first. You should give it a try, you won't be disappointed if you know what's coming.

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22 out of 31 people found the following review useful:

Vampires don't suck that much

7/10
Author: tari1uk from United Kingdom
18 August 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Having had the misfortune of living with a family member who has every single spoof movie on DVD. I know from painful, bitter experience just how bad they've become over the years with Date Movie being singled out for particular attention at just how something so bad ever got released being beyond human comprehension! So it was with a huge amount of trepidation and bribing from my friend that I went along to see this and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.

Lets get it out there right now, it's not, nor will it ever be Academy Award material. The hint after all is in the genre name, it's a "spoof" movie, and to that end it lives up pretty well to expectation. There's the usual un-PC like jokes in there (baby and bowling ball spring to mind), the relatively unknown ensemble who end up doing a better job than the original cast. Jenn Proske as Becca Crane has Kristen Stewart's awkward-ness down to a tee, whilst Matt Lanter is a far hotter Edward than Robert Pattinson!

True Twi-hards will HATE it with a vengeance, as it stereotypes everything bad about Twilight including the whole ongoing Team Edward/Team Jacob debate, and they'll definitely hate the ending, although I laughed my head off!

Yes it's completely juvenile humour, yes there are glaring omissions in the script, it sometimes feels rushed, like they didn't know how to work a certain scene, so just grazed over it in their hurry to film another scene that they had worked on, but it's bloody good fun if you're just looking for a film where you don't need to think, and you're wanting to kill an hour or so of your time

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31 out of 50 people found the following review useful:

A Nutshell Review: Vampires Suck

1/10
Author: DICK STEEL from Singapore
4 September 2010

I wouldn't have watched this if not for a friend who wanted to catch a comedy together, though I must admit I'm still pretty intrigued and amazed at how writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Adam Seltzer managed to continue get money thrown at them to make terrible, unfunny comedies such as sub par works like Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie and Date Movie, the last which to me was mildly amusing. Gone are the days of the Zucker brothers, and now we're stuck with low-brow efforts like what Friedberg and Seltzer continuously dish out, setting their sights at whatever's popular genre at the moment.

And that of course is the phenomenon we call Twilight, where it's already three films old, and taking its cue from the Harry Potter franchise, decided to split its last book into two films, done squarely for profits. Poking fun at something popular is expected, but to do so in the Friedberg-Seltzer fashion just reeks of desperation. They seem to throw anything and everything into the film, without even due consideration if it's funny, or not. There are plenty of sight gags, innuendos, and just plain badly designed scenes that don't flow from one to another, making it look like a series of school children skits that got strung together, hammering wooden pegs into rounded holes, and jokes that's 99% bad, you'll find more pleasure from experiencing long nails clawed against a chalkboard.

Even more curious is the demographics out to support / watch this film. As I was understandably surrounded by women of all ages who turn out in droves to watch the Twilight movies, I was again equally surrounded by the same demographics for this one in a near full house. Clearly, I don't think they're that vacuous to, for a moment, think that their highly anticipated sequel film had arrived, or even remotely suspect that this is a companion film. I suspect though that for all the spoof movies out there, there's always a great chance that the impersonators of their favourite yummy characters will look equally yummy. Sorry to burst your bubble, but Matt Lanter as Edward Sullen is miles away from Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen even though both cannot act, and Chris Riggi as Jacob White is not Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black even though both share equal number of pronounced abs (hmm... maybe this could be a reason, Team Jacob was actually out supporting this?).

The only thing that was the rare shining light in this film, happens to be Jenn Proske as Becca Crane, who did an awesome job impersonating how Kristen Stewart would play Bella Swan, down to all the subtle nuances that if Stewart decides to leave her role, then the Twilight producers can plonk Proske right in. It's really uncanny watching her ham up the Bella spoof, but do note that I'm not praising her performance either as she's just carbon-copying what another actress had done, although pitch perfect.

I did laugh out loud here and there, but it's laughing at the film in how it got away with the stupidest of jokes and the absurdity at who this project could have been green lit by a Hollywood studio (says a lot, doesn't it?) I hope Friedberg and Seltzer either learn from the best in the comedic business, or quit filmmaking altogether. Vampires Suck sucks. Period. And I'm just feeling dirty having to recount what I had watched, and to craft a review for it.

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28 out of 46 people found the following review useful:

Maybe I've just gotten used to them, maybe they've actually gotten better. . .

7/10
Author: Dragoneyed363 from United States
21 August 2010

Oh, Friedberg and Seltzer. How woefully you are viewed upon by over half the film world's population today. The films you have made have been deemed some of the worst ever. However, there are still some traces of fans out there, whether anyone believes it or not. I, myself, am certainly not a fan, but I understand both sides of the scale and review your films unbiasedly. With that said, I have to admit that I rather enjoyed the latest spoof from these two.

The Twilight phenomenon is an utter joke among many already. A feature length spoof of the movies seemed like it was bound to happen, but who would have known it would have been created by them. Some might enjoy this because they find any mocking of the Twlight films joyous. Some might enjoy this because they honestly find the antics humorous. Most will hate it entirely because of the directors. In any matter, I found it fun because of how well crafted I actually thought it was and how many times it made me laugh because of how funny the movie managed to be by working off the films' it mocks cheesiness areas.

Like some have already reviewed saying, this is an improvement in many ways. Unlike all their other films, this actually focuses on spoofing just the two first Twilight films and does not rely on criticizing every film they possibly can as well as making lame pop culture reference after lame pop culture reference to get giggles, even though there still are pop culture references in there, they're just not as lame and are spaced out for our brain's convenience.

Jenn Proske and Matt Lanter are actually incredible, in a sense, in their performances. Proske covered every Kristen Stewart fault swimmingly as did Matt Lanter for Robert Pattinson. Even though that's generally not something to be proud of, it works here. The movie doesn't linger on humorless side jokes until the point where boredom is spewing out of our mouths, and the crew captures the essence that I was looking for in this film. Yes, it has many problems, what Friedberg and Seltzer film doesn't? It still is entertaining in the right mood, and just maybe the two have finally started to perfect on what they have been oblivious to all this time, or maybe I have just gotten used to their mediocrity, but regardless, I think this film deserves more appreciation than some Friedberg and Seltzer haters will give it.

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