Anderson: So we can read her emails, so what?
Sherlock Holmes: Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the entire street.
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up.
DI Lestrade: I didn't say anything.
Sherlock Holmes: You were thinking. It's annoying.
Sherlock Holmes: You've murdered four people.
Jeff: I've outlived four people. That's the most fun you can have with an aneurysm.
Sherlock Holmes: Try not to start a war before I get home - you know what it does to the traffic.
[Sherlock has arrived at a crime scene and is approached by a rather hostile Anderson]
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again.
Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated. Are we clear on that?
Sherlock Holmes: Quite clear. And is your wife away for long?
Anderson: Oh, don't pretend you worked that out. Somebody told you that.
Sherlock Holmes: Your deodorant told me that.
Anderson: My deodorant?
Sherlock Holmes: It's for men.
Anderson: Well, of course it's for men - I'm wearing it.
Sherlock Holmes: So's Sergeant Donovan.
[Anderson spins to look at her]
Sherlock Holmes: Ooh... I think it just vaporised. May I go in?
Anderson: Now look, whatever you're imply...
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat and just happened to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floor, going by the state of her knees.
Dr John Watson: You don't have a girlfriend then?
Sherlock Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
Dr John Watson: Alright... Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way.
Sherlock Holmes: I know it's fine.
Dr John Watson: So you got a boyfriend?
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Dr John Watson: Right. Okay. You're unattached. Like me. Fine. Good.
Sherlock Holmes: John, erm... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I'm flattered by your interest, I'm really not looking for any...
Dr John Watson: No. I'm... not asking. No. I'm just saying, it's all fine.
Sherlock Holmes: Good. Thank you.
Anderson: Never mind that, we found the case! According to "someone," the murderer has the case, and here we found it, in the hands of our favorite psychopath.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research!
Sherlock Holmes: You can't just break into my flat.
DI Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence. And I didn't break in to your flat.
Sherlock Holmes: Well what do you call this then?
DI Lestrade: ...It's a drugs bust.
Dr. John Watson: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?
Sherlock Holmes: John.
Dr. John Watson: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything that you could call recreational.
Sherlock Holmes: John, you might want to shut up now.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, but come on... no...
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: ...You?
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up. I'm not your sniffer dog.
DI Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.
Sherlock Holmes: What A-. Anderson? What are you doing here on a drugs bust?
Anderson: Oh I volunteered.
DI Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking *on* the drug squad, but they're very keen.
Sgt Sally Donovan: Are these human eyes?
Sherlock Holmes: Put those back.
Sgt Sally Donovan: But they were in the microwave.
Sherlock Holmes: It's an experiment.
Dr John Watson: [after Sherlock has just explain his working out of Watson's veteran status, his war wound and his sibling's drinking problem] That... was amazing.
Sherlock Holmes: You think so?
Dr John Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.
Sherlock Holmes: That's not what people normally say.
Dr John Watson: What do people normally say?
Sherlock Holmes: "Piss off"...
Mycroft: Bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity, don't you think?
Dr. John Watson: Why didn't I think of that?
Sherlock Holmes: Because you're an idiot.
[Watson looks up sharply]
Sherlock Holmes: No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.
Sherlock Holmes: Look at you lot, you're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.
Sherlock Holmes: You can always tell a good Chinese place by the lower third of the door handle.
Dr. John Watson: What are you doing?
Sherlock Holmes: Nicotine patch. Helps me think. It's impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days.
Dr. John Watson: That's good news for breathing.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, breathing. Breathing's boring.
Dr. John Watson: Is that three patches?
Sherlock Holmes: It's a three-patch problem.
Dr. John Watson: A place like this must be expensive.
Sherlock Holmes: Not really. I know the landlady, Mrs. Hudson. She owes me a favor. A few years back, her husband was sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.
Dr. John Watson: You stopped her husband from being executed?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, no, I ensured it.
Mrs. Hudson: There's another bedroom upstairs, if you'll be needing two bedrooms.
Dr. John Watson: Of course we'll be needing two bedrooms.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, don't worry. We get all sorts 'round here. Mrs. Turner next door's got married ones.
Sherlock Holmes: What's wrong?
Dr. John Watson: I just met a friend of yours.
Sherlock Holmes: A friend?
Dr. John Watson: An enemy.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Which one?
Dr. John Watson: Your arch enemy. According to him.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Did he offer you money to spy on me?
Dr. John Watson: Yes...
Sherlock Holmes: Did you take it?
Dr. John Watson: No...
Sherlock Holmes: Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it over next time.
Dr. John Watson: People don't have archememies.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: In real life. People don't have archenemies.
Sherlock Holmes: That sounds a bit dull. So what do people have in their REAL lives?
Dr. John Watson: Friends, people they like, people they don't like, boyfriends, girlfriends...
Sherlock Holmes: Like I said, dull.
Sherlock Holmes: They're killings, serial killings! We've got a serial killer on our hands. I love those, there's always something to look forward to.
Sherlock Holmes: Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: no just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but not more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.
Dr John Watson: That's fantastic!
Sherlock Holmes: Do you know you do that out loud?
Dr John Watson: Sorry, I'll shut up.
Sherlock Holmes: No, it's... fine.
Sherlock Holmes: Serial killer's always hard. Have to wait for them to make a mistake.
DI Lestrade: We can't just wait!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, we're done waiting! Look at her, really look! Houston, we have a mistake! Get on to Cardiff. Find out who Jennifer Wilson's family and friends were. Find Rachel!
DI Lestrade: Of course, yeah, but what mistake?
Sherlock Holmes: PINK!
Dr John Watson: Have you talked to the police?
Sherlock Holmes: Four people are dead. There's no time to talk to the police.
Dr John Watson: So why are you talking to me?
Sherlock Holmes: [morosely] Mrs. Hudson took my skull.
Dr John Watson: So I'm basically filling in for the skull?
Sherlock Holmes: Relax, you're doing fine.
Sherlock Holmes: Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me.
DI Lestrade: Yeah, it's for shock.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not in shock.
DI Lestrade: Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs.
Sherlock Holmes: You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.
Dr John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Any good?
Dr John Watson: Very good.
Sherlock Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries, then?... violent deaths?
Dr John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Bit of trouble, too, I bet.
Dr John Watson: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime... far too much.
Sherlock Holmes: Want to see some more?
Dr John Watson: Oh, God yes.
Dr John Watson: What am I doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: Helping me make a point.
Dr John Watson: I'm supposed to be helping you pay the rent.
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, well, this is more fun.
Dr John Watson: Fun? There's a woman lying dead.
Sherlock Holmes: Perfectly sound analysis but I was hoping you'd go deeper.
Mycroft: [concerning his therapist's belief that Watson's hand tremor is PTSD] Fire her. She's got it the wrong way around. You're under stress right now and your hand is perfectly steady. You're not haunted by the war, Dr Watson. You miss it.
Dr John Watson: Who are you?
Mycroft: An interested party.
Dr John Watson: Interested in Sherlock? Why? I'm guessing you're not friends.
Mycroft: You've met him. How many friends do you imagine he has?
Dr John Watson: [Sherlock produces a pink suitcase] That's... the case, that's the pink lady's case.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, perhaps I should mention, I didn't kill her.
Dr John Watson: I never said you did.
Sherlock Holmes: Why not? Given the text I just had you send and the fact that I have her case, it's a perfectly logical assumption.
Dr John Watson: Do people usually assume you're the murderer?
Sherlock Holmes: Now and then, yes.
Sherlock Holmes: No sign of the shooter?
DI Lestrade: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies I suppose. One of them might have been following him, but we've got nothing to go on.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
DI Lestrade: Ok, give me?
Sherlock Holmes: The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot like that over that distance from that sort of weapon, you're looking for a crack shot but not just a marksman, his hands musn't have shaken at all so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger so obviously has a strong moral principle. You're looking for someone probably with a history of military service and nerves of steel...
Sherlock Holmes: Actually, you know what? Ignore me.
DI Lestrade: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Ignore all of that, it's just the shock talking.
Dr John Watson: Sergeant Donovan was just explaining everything. Two pills. It's a dreadful business, isn't it? Just dreadful.
Sherlock Holmes: [quietly] Good shot.
Dr John Watson: Yes, yes must've been from that window.
Sherlock Holmes: You'd know. Need to get the powder burns out of your hands. I don't suppose you'd serve time for this but let's avoid the court case. Are you alright?
Dr John Watson: Yes, of course I'm alright.
Sherlock Holmes: Well you have just killed a man.
Dr John Watson: Yes I know.
Dr John Watson: Yes that's true isn't it. But he wasn't a very nice man.
Sherlock Holmes: Did I get anything wrong?
Dr John Watson: Harry and me don't get on. Never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce and Harry is a drinker.
Sherlock Holmes: Spot on, I didn't expect to get everything.
Dr John Watson: Harry is short for Harriet.
Sherlock Holmes: [stops walking] Harry's your sister.
Dr John Watson: What exactly am I doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: Sister! There's always something...
Anderson: She's German. "Rache." German for "revenge." She could be trying to tell us...
Sherlock Holmes: [closes door in Anderson's face] Yes, thank you for your input.
Mike Stamford: Last thing I heard you were overseas being shot at. So what happened?
Dr John Watson: I got shot.
Sherlock Holmes: You did get shot though. In Afghanistan? There was an actual wound.
Dr John Watson: Oh yeah. Shoulder.
Sherlock Holmes: Thought so. The left?
Dr John Watson: Lucky guess.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't guess.
Sgt Sally Donovan: [after Sherlock has disrupted their press conference on the serial suicides by sending the text message "WRONG!" to every single reporter's cell phone] You've got to stop him. He's making us look like idiots.
DI Lestrade: If you can tell me *how* he does it, I'll stop him.
Sherlock Holmes: How do you feel about the violin?
Dr John Watson: Well? You asked me to come.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh yeah. Can I borrow your phone? Don't want to use mine. Always a chance the number will be recognised, it's on the website.
Dr John Watson: I was the other side of London. Surely Mrs Hudson has a phone?
Sherlock Holmes: I tried shouting but she didn't hear me. On my desk there's a number, I want you to send a text.
Dr John Watson: You brought me here, just to send a text.
Sherlock Holmes: A text yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Okay, you've got questions.
Dr John Watson: Yeah. Where are we going?
Sherlock Holmes: Crime scene. Next?
Dr John Watson: Who are you? What do you do?
Sherlock Holmes: What do you think?
Dr John Watson: I'd say private detective...
Sherlock Holmes: But...
Dr John Watson: But the police don't go to private detectives.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job.
Dr John Watson: What does that mean?
Sherlock Holmes: It means whenever the police are out of their depth - which is always - they consult me.
Dr John Watson: [scoffs] The police don't consult amateurs.
[Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile]
Sherlock Holmes: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised.
Dr John Watson: Yes. How did you know?
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know, I saw. Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. The conversation as you entered the room - said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists - you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That suggests the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic - wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan - Afghanistan or Iraq.
Dr John Watson: You said I had a therapist.
Sherlock Holmes: You've got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Your phone - it's expensive, email enabled, MP3 player. But you're looking for a flat-share, you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Scratches - not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. The next bit's easy, you know it already.
[indicates back of the phone, which has been engraved with the inscription "Harry Watson - from Clara XXX"]
Dr John Watson: The engraving?
Sherlock Holmes: Harry Watson - clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father - this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a war hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara - who's Clara? Three kisses says romantic attachment. Expensive phone says wife, not girlfriend. Must've given it to him recently - this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble, then - six months on, and already he's giving it away? If she'd left him, he would've kept it. People do, sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it - he left her. He gave the phone to you, that says he wants you to stay in touch.
Sherlock Holmes: You're looking for cheap accommodation and you're not going to your brother for help? That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife, maybe you don't like his drinking.
Dr John Watson: How can you possibly know about the drinking?
[cuts to a close-up of the phone's charger port, showing obvious scratches around it]
Sherlock Holmes: Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection - tiny little scuff marks around the edge. Every night he goes to plug it in and charge but his hands are shaky. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone, never see a drunk's without them. There you go, you see? You were right.
Dr John Watson: I was right? Right about what?
Sherlock Holmes: The police don't consult amateurs.
Dr John Watson: [slowly, grudgingly] That was amazing.
Sherlock Holmes: You think so?
Sherlock Holmes: I know you're an army doctor, recently invalided home from Afghanistan. I know you've got a brother who's concerned about you, but you won't go to him for help because you don't approve of him - possibly because he's an alcoholic; more likely because he recently walked out on his wife - and I know your therapist thinks your limp's at least partially psychosomatic - quite correctly, I'm afraid. Enough to be going on with, don't you think? The name's Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street. Afternoon!
Dr John Watson: We can't giggle, it's a crime scene. Stop it.
Sherlock Holmes: You're the one who shot him.
Ella: How's your blog going?
Dr John Watson: Yeah good - very good.
Ella: You haven't written a word, have you?
Dr John Watson: You just wrote, "still has trust issues".
Ella: And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you're a soldier. It's going to take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happened to you will honestly help you.
Dr John Watson: Nothing happens to me.
Jeff: It's pure genius. I know how people think. I know how people think I think. I can see it all like a map inside my head. Everyone's so stupid, even you. Or maybe God just loves me.
Sherlock Holmes: Either way, you're wasted as a cabby.
Dr John Watson: It's how you get your kicks, isn't it? Risking your life to prove you're clever.
Sherlock Holmes: Why would I do that?
Dr John Watson: Because you're an idiot.
Sherlock Holmes: Dinner?
Dr John Watson: Starving.
Dr John Watson: What are you so happy about?
Sherlock Holmes: Moriarty.
Dr John Watson: What's Moriarty?
Sherlock Holmes: Absolutely no idea...
Mycroft: We'd better upgrade their surveillance status. Grade 3. Active.
Anthea: I'm sorry, sir, who's status?
Mycroft: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.
Sherlock Holmes: Dear God, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring!
[watching the scene of the killer's last murder]
Dr John Watson: You think he's stupid enough to come back here?
Sherlock Holmes: No, I think he's brilliant enough. I love the brilliant ones, they're always so eager to get caught.
Sgt Sally Donovan: You know why he's here? He's not paid or anything. He likes it. He gets off on it. The weirder the crime, the more he gets off. And you know what? One day just showing up won't be enough. One day we'll be standing around a body and Sherlock Holmes will be the one who put it there.
Molly Hooper: Listen, I was wondering... Maybe later, when you're finished
Sherlock Holmes: [interrupting her] You're wearing lipstick. You weren't wearing lipstick before.
Molly Hooper: I, er... I refreshed it a bit.
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry, you were saying?
Molly Hooper: I was wondering if you'd like to have coffee.
Sherlock Holmes: Black, two sugars, please. I'll be upstairs.
Sherlock Holmes: If you were dying, if you'd been murdered. In your very last few seconds, what would you say?
Dr John Watson: "Please, God, let me live."
Sherlock Holmes: Use your imagination!
Dr John Watson: I don't have to.
Sherlock Holmes: Problem?
Dr John Watson: Yeah. Sergeant Donovan.
Sherlock Holmes: What about her?
Dr John Watson: She said... you get off on this. You enjoy it.
Sherlock Holmes: And I said 'dangerous', and here you are.
[smiles broadly and leaves]
Dr John Watson: Damn it!
[gets to his feet and hobbles after Sherlock]
Sherlock Holmes: You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.
Dr. John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Any good?
Dr. John Watson: Very good.
Sherlock Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.
Dr. John Watson: Well... Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: A bit of trouble too, I'll bet.
Dr. John Watson: Of course. Yes. Enough... for a lifetime, far too much.
Sherlock Holmes: Want to see some more?
Dr. John Watson: Oh, God, yes!
Sherlock Holmes: If you were dying, if you'd been murdered: in your very last few seconds, what would you say?
Dr. John Watson: 'Please, God, let me live.'
Sherlock Holmes: [Frustrated] Use your imagination!
Dr. John Watson: I don't have to.
Sherlock Holmes: [about the victim] She's been married for at least ten years, but not happily. She's had a string of lovers, but none of them knew she was married.
DI Lestrade: Oh, for God's sake, if you're just making this up-!
Sherlock Holmes: Her ring! It's at least ten years old. The rest of her jewelry's been regularly cleaned, but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage, right there. The only polishing she gets is when she works it off her finger. So what, or rather who, does she remove her ring for? Not for work, look at her nails, she doesn't work with her hands. Not one lover, she'd never sustain the fiction of being single for that long, so more likely a string of them. Simple.
Dr. John Watson: That's brilliant!
[everyone looks at him]
Dr. John Watson: Sorry.