The Decoy Bride (2011)
James Arber: You don't live here?
Katie Nic Aoidh: Not in this toilet, no. Here we live in primitive dwellings anthropologists like to call "houses."
Katie Nic Aoidh: And you're back of Hegg now because...?
James Arber: Oh, I'm on a sheep-stealing raid, yeah. I mean, I thought I might grab myself a woman at the same time, but predominantly it's a sheep-snatching thing.
James Arber: I've been trying to get your attention with conventional weapons: phones, emails, that sort of thing.
Katie Nic Aoidh: A guidebook to here? Don't be mad. "Come see our disused toilet that may or may not be haunted by the ghost of a drowned cow."
Katie Nic Aoidh: What's this nameless new book of yours about, then... if it exists?
James Arber: It's about the end of the world as seen through the eyes of God.
Katie Nic Aoidh: Oh, dear. Did no one tell you to write about what you know?
Katie Nic Aoidh: Good. I don't want to meet him. He sounds like a twat. Anyway, I'm like Kryptonite to men. Kryptonite dipped in cellulite.
Lara Tyler: You are ruining my life!
Marco Ballani: [gleefully] I've ruined plenty of lives. You're nothing special.
Reverend McDonagh: When God made time, he made plenty of it. When God made twine, he made balls of it.
James Arber: You know, they asked 10,000 men to name their ideal partner and 9,800 said Lara. Statistically that includes at least 800 gay men. If you're male and Lara Tyler's interested in you, she's the one; it's kind of a rule. You can't be happy with Lara Tyler, you can't be happy with anyone.
Katie Nic Aoidh: This is where you tell me I'm just one chapter, not a whole book.
James Arber: They say "Write about what you know;" so, obviously, I set it against the backdrop of the Spanish Civil War.
Katie Nic Aoidh: Nobody's going to buy a guidebook to Hegg unless it's cheaper than our toilet paper.
Iseabail Nic Aoidh: I've got to get out of here, Katie. I've never been anywhere, and I want to see the world, overdose on daiquiris and be thrown into a volcano, but you need money for that.
Steve Korbitz: Yeah, well, I'm full of shit. My last colonic took a week.
Katie Nic Aoidh: How do you know when you've met *the one*?
James Arber: Whenever you look at them, you find yourself singing "Wind Beneath My Wings".
Katie Nic Aoidh: It's cruel to give the servants names, isn't it? Don't want to get too attached to them.
James Arber: Lemme tell ya, for a honey trap to work, there needs to be honey.
Charley: I've just been kicked in the face by the most beautiful woman in the world who is now walking around outside dressed as my old boarding school matron. I will pay 200 grand for that cover shot. Go and get it.
Iseabail Nic Aoidh: Do you like him?
Katie Nic Aoidh: He's an emotionally retarded arty boy who's in love with another woman. Of course I like him.
Lara Tyler: Now, sweetie, I may look like a simple, cake-baking, small-town mom, but inside I am a prize fighter, and I will not rest while there is a single rod of depleted uranium anywhere in South Carolina.
Katie Nic Aoidh: For someone in marketing you're not very good at lying.
James Arber: I'm still quite junior.
Katie Nic Aoidh: But I don't look anything like Lara Tyler.
Steve Korbitz: That's true, but neither does she until these ladies get their hands on her.