- Sheldon Cooper: [in the bathroom] Pee for Houston, pee for Austin / Pee for the state my heart got lost in.
- [pause]
- Sheldon Cooper: And shake twice for Texas.
- Sheldon Cooper: Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st Century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st Century. So pay attention; years from now my biographer might ask you about this event.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.
- Penny: You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now...
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
- Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well.
- Sheldon Cooper: No.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. It wasn't my fault.
- Sheldon Cooper: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
- Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, I can still drive you.
- Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Oh, good, Leonard's here.
- Raj Koothrappali: [astounded] Good?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Elizabeth, what's going on?
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men, and Raj is my new landlord, and I don't have enough money to pay any of you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum!
- Raj Koothrappali: OK, Show of hands, who's up for this?
- [Only Howard raises his hand]
- Leonard Hofstadter: We'll all be in naked in front of each other.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm out.
- Howard Wolowitz: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
- Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
- Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
- Sheldon Cooper: In here, you'll find emergency provisions: an eight day supply of food and water, a crossbow, Season Two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
- Sheldon Cooper: Then there's really no reason to live, is there?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are you having trouble sleeping? Because... boy... I was up all night.
- Raj Koothrappali: Did you get a cold, too?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, but I was awake all night.
- Howard Wolowitz: If you want I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills.
- Raj Koothrappali: She won't notice them missing?
- Howard Wolowitz: She doesn't know she takes them.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I'd written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn't confuse it with what I'd written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. 'Cause if I tried to go there, I'd be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.
- [last lines]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.
- Penny: You mean you and Doctor Slut-bunny?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I wanted to explain.
- Penny: You don't owe me an explanation.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't?
- Penny: No, you don't.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, you're not judging me?
- Penny: Oh, I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don't owe me an explanation.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Nevertheless, I'd like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did.
- Penny: I'm listening.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [very long pause] She let me.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Would you be a dear and get me a cup of coffee?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sure, black, right?
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: [turns and looks at Raj] Actually, now I think I want it hot, brown, and sweet.
- [Raj takes a swig from his flask]
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: You two figure out the details; I'm going to go change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh!
- [she goes into another room, closing the door behind her]
- Howard Wolowitz: What the frack?
- Raj Koothrappali: Go away! She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli!
- [pause]
- Raj Koothrappali: Besides, you have a girlfriend!
- Howard Wolowitz: We broke up weeks ago!
- Raj Koothrappali: Why didn't you say anything?
- Howard Wolowitz: I was waiting for the right time! This is the right time!
- Penny: You're having a woman stay with you?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
- Penny: Oh, no no no no no, I'm not flabbergasted. I'm... puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled.
- [Elizabeth knocks on door]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes?
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I saw your light on.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Is everything all right?
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Yeah, I just couldn't sleep.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Me neither. Look what I'm reading.
- [Points to her picture on the back of the book]
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's you.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I thought you already read it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I did. But it's been a while, and I wanted to sound smart over breakfast.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Aw, you're smart!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, good. I wasn't sure it was coming across.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What chapter are you on?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, six.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Ah. The extragalactic distance ladder. Want to know a little secret?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I wrote the section on the Wilson-Bappu Effect completely naked.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Sure doesn't read that way.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Here, let me show you.
- [Removes her robe as she speaks revealing she is naked]
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars we start to see a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found in Hubble's constant.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wow. You really make science come alive.
- Howard Wolowitz: I have a two-part question.
- Sheldon Cooper: Go ahead.
- Howard Wolowitz: A: Are you kidding me? and B: Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
- Sheldon Cooper: A: I rarely kid and B: When I do kid, you'll know it by my use of the word "Bazinga".
- Howard Wolowitz: So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes... Bazinga.
- Raj Koothrappali: [after tricking Howard and Leonard into leaving, Raj locks the door and turns to Dr. Plimpton] So, you say you can't pay your rent.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, well, who wants to stay in a hotel, with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I'm so glad you understand.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, he doesn't understand; *I* understand.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I understand too.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're just misappropriating my understanding.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement this is your twenty-four hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
- Leonard Hofstadter: When you say "non-related female", you still mean human, right?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and one day cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.
- Sheldon Cooper: Dr. Plimpton, I'd like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn't understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Can I ask you a question about your roommate?
- Sheldon Cooper: He's an odd duck, isn't he?
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's his relationship status?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common except for carnal activity. That's why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Raj takes a swig from his flask] What are you doing?
- Raj Koothrappali: Relax, it's Nyquil.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You still have a cold?
- Raj Koothrappali: Maybe, but I don't care. The good thing about Nyquil, it's like 10% booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?
- Penny: What? What are you doing with...? What?
- Sheldon Cooper: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.
- Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?
- Sheldon Cooper: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.
- Sheldon Cooper: Elizabeth, Leonard's bathroom time is coming up and believe me, you do not want to follow him.
- Sheldon Cooper: Vocal test, morning vocal test.
- [Clears throat]
- Sheldon Cooper: Second vocal test, second morning vocal test.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
- Sheldon Cooper: She doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.
- Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Nice to finally meet you in person.
- Sheldon Cooper: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton. I am a huge fan of hers.
- Sheldon Cooper: I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you are a fan of. But, very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.
- Raj Koothrappali: [sneezes as he reaches the lunch table]
- Sheldon Cooper: [stops Raj from sitting down] Hold!
- Raj Koothrappali: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Explain your sneeze.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm sorry?
- Sheldon Cooper: Do you have allergies?
- Raj Koothrappali: No
- Sheldon Cooper: Is there too much pepper on your salad?
- Raj Koothrappali: I don't put pepper on salad.
- Sheldon Cooper: I heard enough.
- [Motions to the table behind him]
- Sheldon Cooper: Sit over there.
- Raj Koothrappali: Come on, I don't want to sit by myself.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's what Typhoid Mary said and clearly, her friends buckled.
- Raj Koothrappali: [to Leonard and Howard] Guys, help me.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, come on.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, it's just one sneeze.
- [Raj sneezes again]
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're on your own.
- Howard Wolowitz: See you, buddy.