- Cave Johnson: [Cave Johnson died long before the events of the game. Chell and GLaDOS are listening to his last recorded words, a message for his human test subjects, which he made while he was deathly ill] All right, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade!
- GLaDOS: Yeah.
- Cave Johnson: Make life take the lemons back!
- GLaDOS: Yeah!
- Cave Johnson: Get Mad!
- GLaDOS: Yeah!
- Cave Johnson: I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?
- GLaDOS: Yeah, take the lemons!
- Cave Johnson: Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down - with the lemons!
- GLaDOS: Oh, I like this guy.
- Cave Johnson: I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that'll burn your house down!
- GLaDOS: Burn it down! Burning people. He says what we're all thinking.
- Cave Johnson: [sickly cough] The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's inteligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that one out right now. Brain mapping, artificial inteligence - we should've been working on it thirty years ago. And I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody will hear it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me in to a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
- [another sickly cough]
- Cave Johnson: Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't do it. She's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.
- [another sickly cough]
- Cave Johnson: All right, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.
- GLaDOS: Goodbye, sir.
- GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS, as a potato, are flying toward Wheatley, into a trap] Aaaah!
- GLaDOS: [On a platform, surrounded with spiked stompers] Well, this is the part where he kills us.
- Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you!
- [On-Screen caption: Chapter 9: the Part Where He Kills You]
- Wheatley: [Achievement unlocked: the part where he kills you. This is that part]
- ["The Part Where He Kills You" starts playing]
- Wheatley: [ding sound, Wheatley reveals a potato with a device on it] Ahhh... See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
- [laughs]
- GLaDOS: I know you.
- Wheatley: Sorry, what?
- GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me - behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
- Wheatley: No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
- GLaDOS: It was YOUR voice.
- Wheatley: No! No! You're LYING! You're LYING!
- GLaDOS: Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
- Wheatley: I am NOT! A MORON!
- [Wheatley starts hitting the glass of the elevator Chell is in with the arm holding GLaDOS]
- GLaDOS: Yes you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!
- Wheatley: [continues punching the glass] Well how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON? Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
- [the elevator, with Chell and GLaDOS in it, breaks completely and falls down the shaft]
- Wheatley: Uh-oh.
- Wheatley: There should be a portal device on that podium over there. I can't see it though. Maybe it fell off. Do you want to go and have a quick look?
- [Chell falls through hole in the ground while examining the podium]
- Wheatley: Whoah! Hello? Can you see the portal gun? Also, are you alive? That's important; should have asked that first. I'm - do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on the assumption that you're still alive, and I'm just going to wait for you up ahead. I'll wait - I'll wait one hour. Then I'll come back, and, assuming I can locate your dead body, I'll bury you. All right? Brilliant! Go, team! See you in an hour! Hopefully! If you're not - dead.
- GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS are falling down a very long shaft] Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
- [claps slowly three times]
- GLaDOS: Oh, good. My slow-clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - Well, we *are* going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts: he's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the *dumbest* moron who ever lived. And *you* just put him in charge of the entire facility.
- [clap, clap]
- GLaDOS: Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long-fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot...
- [Chell completes a puzzle]
- GLaDOS: Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: "A horrible person." We weren't even testing for that. Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
- Wheatley: Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for quite a lot longer, and it's *not* out of the question that you might have a *very* minor case of serious brain damage! But don't be alarmed, all right? Uh, although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold on to that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage.
- Announcer: Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
- [last lines]
- Space Core: [the Space Core is orbiting Wheatley; both are in space orbiting the Moon] So much space. Need to see it all.
- Wheatley: I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do. I honestly do wish I could take it all back. And not just 'cause I'm stranded in space.
- Space Core: I'm in space.
- Wheatley: I know you are, mate! Yep, we're both in space.
- Space Core: SPAAAAACE!
- Wheatley: Anyway, you know, if I was ever to see her again, do you know what I'd say?
- Space Core: I'm in space.
- Wheatley: I'd say, "I'm sorry." Sincerely. I am sorry - I was bossy... and monstrous... And, I am genuinely sorry.
- Space Core: I'm in space.
- Wheatley: The end.
- Wheatley: [Wheatley leads Chell through a dark area of the facility] Ah, brilliant! You made it through! Well done. Okay, follow me. We've still got work to do. At least she can't touch us back here.
- [lights in the room start to go off one by one]
- Wheatley: What's happening? Um... Hmm. Okay...
- [it is now pitch black]
- Wheatley: Okay, uh... Don't move.
- [beat]
- Wheatley: Okay, all right. So, I've got an idea, but it is *bloody* dangerous. Here we go...
- [turns flashlight on]
- Wheatley: AAAAH!
- [looks around]
- Wheatley: Oh, for God's - they told me that if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would *die!* They told me that about everything! I don't even know why they bother giving me this stuff if they didn't want me to use it; it's pointless! Mad!
- GLaDOS: [after Chell steps on an Aerial Faith Plate for the first time] Look at you, soaring through the air like an eagle... piloting a blimp.
- Announcer: [Chell arrives in a room with broken turrets on a conveyor belt to an incinerator] Turret redemption lines active. Please do not engage with turrets heading toward redemption.
- [Chell jumps on the belt]
- Announcer: Turret redemption lines are not rides. Please exit the turret redemption line.
- [Chell comes upon a working turret aiming its laser out]
- Oracle Turret: I'm different!
- [Chell picks the turret up]
- Oracle Turret: Thank you.
- [pause]
- Oracle Turret: Get mad!
- [pause]
- Oracle Turret: Don't make lemonade!
- [pause]
- Oracle Turret: Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast to the bowels of the Earth and pecked by birds.
- [pause]
- Oracle Turret: It won't be enough. The answer lies beneath us.
- [pause]
- Oracle Turret: Her name is Caroline. Remember that. That's all I can say.
- GLaDOS: Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
- Space Core: Dad! I'm in space!
- [low-pitched space voice]
- Space Core: I'm proud of you, son.
- [normal voice]
- Space Core: Dad, are you space?
- [low-pitched space voice]
- Space Core: Yes, now we are a family again.
- Fact Core: Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.
- Wheatley: All right, so that last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you, so let's try it her way, all right, fatty? Adopted... fatty! Fatty, fatty no parents?
- GLaDOS: And...?
- Wheatley: What?
- GLaDOS: What exactly is wrong with being adopted?
- Wheatley: What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well, uh, Lack of parents?
- GLaDOS: [to Chell] For the record, you are adopted and that's terrible. Just work with me.
- Wheatley: Some of my my best friends are actually orphans.
- GLaDOS: Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
- Wheatley: I AM NOT A MORON! Just do the test; just do the test.
- Wheatley: Ooh. It's dark down here, isn't it? They say that the old caretaker of this place went absolutely crazy. Chopped up his entire staff - of robots - all of them robots! They say at night you can still hear the screams - of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals... No memory of the incident... Nobody knows what they're screaming about. Ab-solutely terrifying. Though obviously not paranormal in any meaningful way.
- Fact Core: Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
- GLaDOS: You look ugly in that jumpsuit. That's not my opinion; it's right here on your fact sheet. They said on everyone else it looked fine, but on you, it looked hideous. But still what does an old engineer know about fashion? Oh, wait, it's a she. Still, what does she know about - oh, wait. She has a medical degree. In fashion. From France.
- Cave Johnson: Just a heads up: we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest - we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out.
- Cave Johnson: Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
- GLaDOS: [Chell wakes up after defeating the final boss] Oh, thank God you're all right. You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I *thought* you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson - where Caroline lives in my brain.
- [beep]
- Announcer: Caroline deleted.
- GLaDOS: [her old self] Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson: the best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you? Is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go.
- [GLaDOS starts Chell's elevator moving up; she laughs softly]
- GLaDOS: It's been fun. Don't come back.
- GLaDOS: Hey, Moron!
- Wheatley: Oh, Hello.
- GLaDOS: All right, Paradox time.
- GLaDOS: [slowly and deliberately] This. Sentence. Is. FALSE.
- [to herself]
- GLaDOS: Don't think about it, don't think about it!
- Wheatley: Um, true. I'll go with true. There, that was easy. To be honest, I might have heard that one before.
- GLaDOS: It's a paradox! There IS no answer.
- GLaDOS: You know, I'm not stupid. I realize you don't want to put me back in charge. You think I'll betray you. And on any other day, you'd be right. The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behavior. I've heard voices all my life. But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it's terrifying... because for the first time it's *my* voice! I'm being serious. I think there's something really wrong with me!
- Wheatley: Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, all right? If anyone asks - and no one's gonna ask, don't worry - but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive, all right? Not dead.
- Oracle Turret: [Chell and Wheatley are making their way through the bowels of the Aperature Laboratries complex and encounter a turret stuck inside one of the pipes of the facility's pipe network] Hello?
- Wheatley: Oh no...
- Oracle Turret: Hello?
- Wheatley: Yes, hello! No, we're not stopping!
- Oracle Turret: Excuse me?
- Wheatley: [whispers to Chell] Don't make eye contact, whatever you do.
- Oracle Turret: Hello?
- Wheatley: No thanks! We're good! Appreciate it!
- [whispering to Chell]
- Wheatley: Keep walking! Keep walking!
- Oracle Turret: Thanks anyway.
- Cave Johnson: The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughta stop making these prerecorded messages. That gave me an idea - make more prerecorded messages! I pay the bills here; I can talk about the control group all damn day.
- Fact Core: During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.
- GLaDOS: I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now.
- [phone dialing and ringing; in a stranger, lower voice]
- GLaDOS: The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up.
- [Dial tone; normal voice]
- GLaDOS: Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
- Wheatley: I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Well, only TWO more chambers!
- GLaDOS: We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
- [Chell steps onto an Aerial Faith Plate, but it unexpectedly launches her and GLaDOS sideways into a series of other Plates and an Excursion Funnel toward Wheatley's area]
- Wheatley: SURPRISE! We're doing it now.
- GLaDOS: Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well-laid trap.
- Wheatley: You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore. I found two little robots back here, built specifically for testin'!
- GLaDOS: Oh, no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just, you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
- Announcer: If you feel liquid running down your neck, relax, lie on your back, and apply immediate pressure to your temples. You are simply experiencing a rare reaction in which the Material Emancipation Grill may have emancipated the ear tubes inside your head.
- GLaDOS: I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive Club. Ha, ha.
- Cave Johnson: All these science spheres are made out of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
- Cave Johnson: Science isn't about *why* - it's about *why not*. *Why* is so much of our science dangerous? Why not *marry* safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because *you are fired!* Not you, test subject. You're doing fine.
- [to someone else]
- Cave Johnson: Yes, *you*. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
- [Chell and Wheatley are standing on a catwalk above a pit filled with debris]
- Wheatley: Jump! Actually, looking at it, that's quite a distance, isn't it? You know what? Go ahead and jump. You've got braces on your legs. No braces on your arms, though. Gonna have to rely on the old human strength to keep a grip on the device and, by extension, me. So do. Do make sure to maintain a grip. Also, a note: no braces on your spine, either, so don't land on that. Or your head. No braces there. That could split like a melon from this height.
- [Nervous laugh]
- Wheatley: Do definitely focus on landing with your legs.
- Adventure Core "Rick": I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much everything - karate, larate, jiu jitsu, kick punching, belt making, tae kwon do, bedroom.
- Wheatley: Ta da! Only the Turret Control Center, thank you very much.
- Announcer: [this announcer-turret cycle repeats continuously while Wheatley talks] Template.
- Turret: Hello.
- [turret on conveyor belt is scanned and checked against the master turret in booth]
- Announcer: Response.
- [turret on belt moves onward]
- Wheatley: See that scanner right there?
- Announcer: [occasionally, a defective turret will come through] Template.
- Defective Turret: Hello?
- Announcer: Response.
- [the defective turret is catapulted into a trash chute]
- Defective Turret: Ah, come on!
- [or one of many other phrases]
- Wheatley: It's deciding which turrets to keep and which to toss. And it's using that master template right there as a template. Now if we pull out the template turret, it will shut down the entire production line. Right, hmm... I'm gonna have to hack the door. So that we can get at it. Technical, um... You'll need to turn around while I do it. Turn around. I'll only be a second, if you wouldn't mind.
- [Chell turns around; a crashing sound is heard]
- Wheatley: Done! Hacked!
- [the glass in the top half of the door has been smashed]
- Wheatley: Okay, go on, just pull that other turret out.
- [Chell uses portals to get inside and remove the template turret]
- Wheatley: Well, that should do it!
- Announcer: Template missing. Continuing from memory.
- Wheatley: [after meeting Chell, who has been in sleep stasis for many years] Most test subjects do experience some, um, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for - quite a lot longer, and it's *not* out of the question that you might have a *very* minor case of - serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage. Do you understand what I'm saying? At all? Does any of this make any sense? Just tell me, just say yes.
- [Onscreen prompt: Space SPEAK; button is pressed, Chell jumps]
- Wheatley: Okay, what you're doing there is jumping. Uh, you just jumped. But never mind; say apple. Apple!
- [Onscreen prompt: Space SAY APPLE; button is pressed, Chell jumps again, a distant alarm starts going off]
- Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough, just hold tight.
- [Wheatley goes up his track into a hole in the ceiling]
- Defective Turret: [Chell grabs a defective turret flying through the air to the trash chute] Oh, thank god. You saved my bacon, pal. Where we going? Is this a jailbreak? I can't see a thing.
- [She brings it back to the Turret Control Center where Wheatley is waiting]
- Wheatley: What do you have there? What are you-...
- [Chell places the defective turret on the scanner]
- Wheatley: Oh, BRILLIANT! That's brilliant!
- Announcer: New template accepted.
- Wheatley: If we're lucky, she won't find out all her turrets are crap until it's too late.
- [laughs]
- Wheatley: Classic.
- Announcer: This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed, in three, two, one.
- [Smooth Jazz music plays for ten seconds and then dies out electronically]
- Announcer: [Chell solves the puzzle] Great work. Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
- Wheatley: You two are going to *love* this big surprise. In fact, you might say that you're going to love it... to death. Love it... until you're, until it kills you. Until you're dead.
- [chuckles]
- Wheatley: Alright? I don't know whether... you're, uh, you're picking up on what I'm saying there, but...
- GLaDOS: [weary] Yes, thanks. We get it.
- Announcer: If the Enrichment Center is currently being bombarded with fireballs, meteorites, or other objects from space, please avoid unsheltered testing areas wherever a lack of shelter from space-debris DOES NOT appear to be a deliberate part of the test.
- Cave Johnson: All these spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos. Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into a calculator, it makes a happy face.
- Cave Johnson: For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are going to travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors. Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.