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(TV Series)

(2008)

Quotes

Nostalgia Critic: [while Kazaam and Max are rapping] You know, guys? Um, I was thinking rather than succumbing to what's the popular norm, I was thinking maybe you could have a real conversation. You know, nothing too deep, I'm just saying that... there's a possibility... maybe there's a personal pain that you don't want to acknowledge, that maybe you...

[the Critic takes out a pistol and shoots it in the air; Kazaam and Max stop rapping]

Nostalgia Critic: NOW TALK RIGHT!

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Nostalgia Critic: Don't encourage him. You'll jiggy-jiggy regret it.

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Nostalgia Critic: So the movie stars Shaquille O'Neal... sit back down!

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Nostalgia Critic: Oh come on, Vanilla Ice was blacker than this.

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Nostalgia Critic: So he comes back looking like a Cadbury egg dressed as Liberace.

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Nostalgia Critic: I'm sure you know that there is a huge difference between rapping and rhyming. Rapping is this

[shows Biggie Smalls video]

Nostalgia Critic: and rhyming is this: I... saw a duck. Ran out of luck. This movie's fuck, you see, anybody can do it.

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Nostalgia Critic: The genie doesn't believe in fairy tales.

[leans in close to the camera]

Nostalgia Critic: The *genie* doesn't believe in *fairy tales*.

[bangs]

Nostalgia Critic: HELLO!

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Nostalgia Critic: [screams] Shaqasm!

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Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, Shaq's gonna eat me!

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Nostalgia Critic: He can't get a job, he's a genie. Ha ha, that's pretty out there. Ha ha.

[screams]

Nostalgia Critic: Out my hairry ass!

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Narrator: [opening lines, over a distant shot of the Critic running up a hill] The Nostalgia Critic could not be here today due to reasons of vengeance. But he left this video before he left for you to enjoy.

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Nostalgia Critic: If this movie was a dog, I would have it put down. If this movie was a car, I would have it impounded. If this movie was a starving young woman who pleaded with me for just a bite of my ham and salami sandwich, I WOULD KILL HER!

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Nostalgia Critic: A genie in a boom box? Could this possibly be a musical romp?

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Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam: [on video] Who dares to wake me? Ain't gonna make this a mystery. Who's that sorry wannabe that disturbed my Z's?

Nostalgia Critic: Really?

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Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam: [on video] If you got the itches for a sack of riches, no matter how avaricious, I'm the man who can grant your wishes.

Nostalgia Critic: Bitches!

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Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam: Let's green-egg-and-ham it.

Nostalgia Critic: What?

Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam: Let's green-egg-and-ham it.

Nostalgia Critic: What is this, Seuss Doggy Dog? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life!

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Nostalgia Critic: You want this film to be good and I'm not jokin', grab yourself a J and get to smokin'. No truer words have ever been spoken. It'll seem much better once you've been tokin'. See, I can do it too. It's not hard.

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Nostalgia Critic: He's gonna go SHAQ-FU on your asses!

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Nostalgia Critic: You can do it, Kazaam. You can break free from the white man's chains.

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Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Max is back home sleeping when...

[suddenly, Kazaam's hand comes into frame and covers Max's face; the "Shock Horror" tone plays]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my god! OH MY GOD! BAD TOUCH!

[dials a number on his cell phone]

Nostalgia Critic: 911 emergency? There's a tall man who's been stalking this kid, giving him treats, and now he's touching him while in his bed and wearing his pajamas! HURRY!

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Max's Stepdad: Listen, Max, I don't intend to take the place of your father.

Nostalgia Critic: I just wanna be the guy who humps your mother.

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Max: I wish I had junk food from here to the sky!

Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam: Why not? Higher than high?

Nostalgia Critic: That's an understatement.

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Max: What's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life?

Nostalgia Critic: Audience.

Audience: This movie!

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Nostalgia Critic: So Max finally finds his real father, only to discover he's a musical talent agent working in the underground world of pirated music!

[slams table]

Nostalgia Critic: That basterdly slimeball!

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Nostalgia Critic: So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays...

[picks up the VHS of the movie]

Nostalgia Critic: ... and I'm quoting here...

[reads the back of the cover]

Nostalgia Critic: ..."A rappin' genie with attitude, who's ready for slam dunk fun!"

[disgusted, he spits on the VHS cover]

Nostalgia Critic: What they mean to say is that it's a corporate write-off to make a quick buck to entertain mindless port-a-dummy kids, who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one.

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Nostalgia Critic: What's the movie about? Well, it opens up with a wrecking ball... no doubt a metaphor for the rest of the film. It knocks over a lamp that apparently holds the genie in, which forces him to fall into a boombox, which I guess the genie decides to call his new home.

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Shaquille O'Neal as Kazaam: [to Max] You were the only friend I ever had, and when you really needed me the most, I wasn't there.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, you were kind of a douche, Kazaam.

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Nostalgia Critic: This movie is retched! A festering shack of shit!

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Nostalgia Critic: That's sad when a breakfast is the best actor in a movie.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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