Guisman: I JUST want total domination of ONE major American city!
Nostalgia Critic: [sighs] Alright...
M. Bison: Of course!
Nostalgia Critic: I'll never get sick of that joke.
Nostalgia Critic: [imitating thugs] Hey, next week I'm getting a root canal. Ah ha ha ha! Hey, I just found out I have cancer. Ah ha ha ha!
Nostalgia Critic: With a game this popular, Hollywood producers quickly put their minds together and came up with the idea to make a movie out of it... seven years later. I mean, come on, by this time you could find Double Dragon in toy dispensers. It's not like it was at the height of its popularity.
Nostalgia Critic: So the film starts off with this bullshit:
Narrator: Thousands of years ago, an evil army of shadow warriors terrorized the great city of Chang-San. The good king sacrificed himself to create a mystical madallion. The king split it in half. This is the legend of the Double Dragon.
Nostalgia Critic: No, this is the plot to Surf Ninjas.
Nostalgia Critic: Anyone can talk about it. It's quite a different thing to actually experience it.
Nostalgia Critic: So as it turns out, New Angeles is a crime-ridden hell hole where earthquakes occur every couple'a seconds, criminals rule the streets and the police never come out after dark. How is that any different from the old Angeles?
Nostalgia Critic: In the city, we meet the Lee brothers, Jimmy and Billy. They meet every Wednesday at the Karate Kid reenactment guild as they practice their infamous karate moves: like the fire-blazing drop kick, the fearsome, raging roundhouse, and the fatal demon-head nookie of doom. It's a terrifying world where criminals wave their fingers at you, little people do... whatever the hell this is, and news programs are hosted by George Hamilton and Vanna White. Wait, what?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh good. Punch her in the stomach and take her away, will ya? We're trying to get this movie off the ground.
Nostalgia Critic: I'm sick of your stalling, movie. It's time you do something with that woman. Do something with that wo...
[Satori is killed in an explosion]
Nostalgia Critic: Well that was... harsh.
Nostalgia Critic: Bottom line: this movie is horrible. It's about as entertaining as colon cancer. Nobody in their right mind should, would, or could like this movie.