Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Cool as Ice (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Commenting on Ice's dancing style] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's the latest dance move, the Raggedy Ann Seizure.

• [Commenting on an abstract house; so abstract, that it has giant salt and pepper shakers, text covering the entire wall, and mandolin-shaped chairs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OK, what is up with this place? That old couple lives here? It's like if Flavor Flav redesigned Pee-Wee's Playhouse!

• Nick (John Newton) : What was that all about?

  Kathy (Kristin Minter) : Forget him. I already have.

  Nostalgia Critic : And so will the rest of the world in six months.

• Nostalgia Critic : Vanilla Ice, the first rapper to make Zack Morris look threatening, was at the top of his game in the late '80s and early '90s, so Hollywood couldn't help but try and cash in on his 15 minutes of shame by making him the star of his own motion picture "Cool as Ice." So let's see how this melting pit of ass begins.

• [Vanilla Ice makes his appearance] 

  Nostalgia Critic : There's his whiteness. Why does he have a Post-It on the side of his head?

• [the credit 'Special Appearance by Naomi Campbell' is shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : 'Special Appearance.' Is that business talk for "You kidnapped her"?

• Nostalgia Critic : [Commenting on Johnny's hairstyle]  Look at his hair. It looks like a level from "Super Mario Brothers."

• [a woman writes her name and number on a piece of paper before bending down below camera where Johnny is standing, arms raised] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, now!

  [the woman gets back up] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Does the watching motion with his hand]  I'm watching you, PG movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Johnny]  Aw, man, we're in the desert. I'd better be careful or else I'm gonna melt. 'Cause I'm ICE!

• Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Johnny]  Over there, man! There's a real good spot to rip off 'Top Gun'!

• [after Johnny has scared a horse and caused the woman riding it to fall off] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow. What an Ice-hole.

• [Citizens in a neighborhood including two boy scouts, an old man and a man riding his lawnmower stare in wonder as the camera pans past them] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [speaks like a snotty British person and is having tea]  By jove! Who allowed those raving rapscallions into our neighborhood?

  [laughs and takes a sip of his tea] 

• Johnny (Vanilla Ice) : Y'all can fix these?

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Johnny]  The spatula on my head approves of this situation.

• [a posse member makes a sandwich with green peppers, sardines, a pineapple slice and mustard before biting into it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, that's nice. You're making Weird Al's food look like gourmet cooking.

  George (Weird Al Yankovic) : [In a clip from the movie 'UHF']  A Twinkie wiener sandwich!

• [Following Nick and Kathy's conversation] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hmm. The White-O-Meter is certainly up there but there has to be something else to make this scene even whiter.

  Johnny (Vanilla Ice) : [Interrupting Nick and Kathy's conversation]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Nostalgia Critic : There we go!

• Nostalgia Critic : I haven't seen a rapper this white since Funky T. Snowman!

  [an image of a cartoon snowman dressed up as a gangster and the words "I Melt in Your Mouth!" on its chest is shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Continue to blow us away, Ice! Continue to blow us away!

• Johnny (Vanilla Ice) : Oh, yeah, Kat! Words of wisdom: "Drop that zero and get with the hero."

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Johnny]  Yeah, I got that off the Disney Channel.

• [the scenes inside the Kathy's house are shown in fast motion] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Did the movie just decide to fast forward? I mean, I'm very grateful, but... I'm also very confused.

  [the fast motion action continues] 

  Nostalgia Critic : God, somebody save me! It's like a demented version of the cleaning the room scene from 'Mary Poppins'!

• Nostalgia Critic : Kathy's family is very happy to see that she's on TV for... riding a horse!

  [Beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This must be a very boring neighborhood!

• Johnny (Vanilla Ice) : Hey, yo, what's up, man?

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Kathy's Mother]  Oh, ho! You must be one of those imitation black people I've heard about.

• [Kathy's younger brother Tommy reveals that she has gone to a club named 'The Sugar Shack'] 

  Nostalgia Critic : There's a club called The Sugar Shack? I think most candy stores would be embarrassed to have that name!

• [after Johnny has left] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [VO as Kathy's Mother]  Remember, honey. Whenever you see someone like that, just run straight home and watch "Shaft", OK?

• [Commenting on the club's musical act of the evening] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow! You must've had to set the musical bar pretty low to make Vanilla Ice look good.