Nostalgia Critic: Tranquilizers. Always come prepared when Joel Schumacher's involved.
Nostalgia Critic: [singing] Here's a film that's so awful, I'd rather have a guy/ Come circumcise me with an axe, poke me in the eye/ I'd rather drink a giant bowl of ape and monkey splooge/ and there's another million things that I would rather do.
Nostalgia Critic: While trying to find a cure for his beloved wife, Mr. Freeze spends his time conducting an orchestra of killer eskimos singing "I'm Mr. White Christmas, I'm Mr. Snow." That's just stupid.
Nostalgia Critic: [on Mr. Freeze's secret lair] A neon-lit ice cream puff. How can nobody figure out that he's in there? It's the equvelent of Walt Disney hiding out in Disneyland. Don't you think someone's gonna take a look?
Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, the Batman who used to hide from the limelight and steal any hidden photographs taken of him is now making public appearances at a sexist auction where men bid on beautiful women to take out on a date.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Alfred is sick? Alfred is sick? Do we really need to concern ourselves with the butler in this one?
Nostalgia Critic: Wow, just think of how many starving children we could have saved with the money used for these effects.
Nostalgia Critic: I think all that's missing here is for Poison Ivy to shout "Curses". Come on, say it. I dare ya. I double dare ya, motherfucker. You know you want to. You know you want to use every cliche in the book. Go ahead, say it! Say it! SAY IT!
Poison Ivy: Curses!
Nostalgia Critic: GOD DAMN THIS MOVIE!
Nostalgia Critic: So she becomes the fearsome Batgirl, the only character in this movie who should have bat-nipples, but doesn't seem to have them.
Nostalgia Critic: [singing] It's... Supercrapafuckerificexpealibullshit, film so bad the sensors really oughta go and pull it/ Sadly there's not many words that only rhyme with bullshit/ Supercrapafuckerificexpealibullshit.
Nostalgia Critic: But besides that, Mr. Freeze's main goal seems to be making jokes about a subject matter that unfortunately lends itself to many insufferable puns. And I'll give you four guesses as to what that subject matter is: A- Celebrity gossip; B- Political Satire; C- Family dilemmas; or D- Ice;
Mr. Freeze: [archive footage clips] The iceman commeth. Let's kick some ice. Can you be cold? Freeze well. Cool party. Stay cool.
Nostalgia Critic: If your answer was D, NO FUCKING SHIT!
Batman: Freeze, you're mad.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, listen to the sane man in the bat suit.
Mr. Freeze: I'll kill you next time.
Nostalgia Critic: Why not kill them now?
Nostalgia Critic: So as you can tell, Schwarzenegger is by far the worst actor in this movie.
Poison Ivy: I've got some... wild oats to sow.
Nostalgia Critic: Until this person came along. And you are?
Poison Ivy: Poison Ivy.
Nostalgia Critic: So while Freeze tries freezing the world, Ivy tries seducing the Dynamic Duo. And here's something you never thought you'd see in this movie: a man kissing a woman.
[Ivy kisses Robin]
Nostalgia Critic: No, Robin, no, you're just confused.
Nostalgia Critic: I never thought a catfight between Uma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone could be so boring.
Nostalgia Critic: But what about Alfred? Isn't he still at death's door? Fortunately, Freeze's wife has the exact same disease as Alfred, and having a change of heart, gives Batman the cure he carries in his suit. And he didn't use this on his wife, because...?
Nostalgia Critic: So you see, kids, the moral of the story is drop your studies, forget all about school, dress up in tight leather and live your life as a superhero. Why? Because Batman said it's okay. I'd say this was a horrible lesson for the kids, but I don't think it matters. No kid ever saw this movie. Batman was a gigantic bat bomb.
Robin: Bat bomb?
Nostalgia Critic: Bat bomb.
Batman: [to Robin] She was trying to kill you, Dick.
Nostalgia Critic: You watch your mouth.
Nostalgia Critic: Well guys, this is it. The big one. The shit-stopper. The constipation of American cinema. A bowel blockage from which nothing of any value can possibly be removed. What is said to be one of the worst films of all time. I'm of course talking about the indescribable terror that is Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin.
Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, if you're not a fan of one-liners, don't worry. There's only 167 BILLION more of them.
Nostalgia Critic: So our heroes suit up for the opening fight, and yes, those costumes do come complete with bat-nipples and bat-asses.
Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs?
Nostalgia Critic: Gee, does it have something to do with ice?
Mr. Freeze: The Ice Age!
Commissioner Gordon: What happened? How'd they get away?
Nostalgia Critic: How dare you didn't stop them. It's not like this is a job for the poli... how dare you didn't stop them!
Nostalgia Critic: So Batman comes busting in along with his sidekick Robin on his motorcycle. As the fight scene rages, we get an onslaught of lame lines and over-the-top stunts.
Robin: Nice catch!
Batman: You break it. You buy it.
Nostalgia Critic: In fact, you may notice a similarity to another familiar style. Can't quite put your finger on it? Maybe this will help.
stage direction: [60's Batman music begins playing as Batman and Robin are seen fighting back to back. "Pow," "Wham," and "Lame" balloons appear when Batman and Robin hit someone]
Nostalgia Critic: That's right. This Batman movie has stopped moving forward with its dark storyline and complex character development and has instead gone back to the campy, bright and colorful style of the original Adam West TV show.
stage direction: [smiles and leans slowly toward the camera until his face is directly in front of the camera]
Nostalgia Critic: HAAAAAAALLLLLLLP!
stage direction: After the infamous "Bat Credit Card" scene
Nostalgia Critic: A "Bat Credit Card?" They gave him a "Bat Credit Card?" They had the BALLS to give one of the GREATEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME, A "BAT CREDIT CARD?" NO! NO! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!
stage direction: Doug is being restrained by someone off screen. Caption says "20 minutes later"
Nostalgia Critic: I apologize for that outrage. It was childish and immature. I just get a little peeved when I see one of my childhood icons carrying... A BAT CREDIT CARD! YOU BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! YOU'LL ALL DIE, YOU'LL GET THE GAS!
stage direction: Doug is being restrained once again. Caption says "One hour later"
Nostalgia Critic: Ahem. RAPE MY CHILDHOOD, WILL YOU? YOU WILL ALL DIE! YOU WILL ALL DIE!
stage direction: Doug is being restrained once more. Caption reads "Seven hours later"
Nostalgia Critic: Okay. I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. So, After Batman uses the... you know what...
Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, back at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson get a visit from an unlikely visitor: Alfred's niece, Barbara, come all the way from Britain.
Barbara Wilson: [Speaking without a hint of an accent] Uh, the new computer science division.
Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, I just can't understand you under that incredibly thick British accent.
Barbara Wilson: I don't know, all this luxury really isn't my style.
Nostalgia Critic: Definitely Liverpool.
Barbara Wilson: I've always lived kind of rough.