- Professor Farnsworth: Ah, Zoidberg, we've known each other so long, sometimes I don't think we need words to understand each other.
- Dr. Zoidberg: What?
- Dr. Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpson's jaundice.
- Philip J. Fry: Ay, carumba.
- Dr. Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.
- Turanga Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry...
- Philip J. Fry: Careful Leela. He knows less about human anatomy than I do, and I can't even find my own uterus.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [turns on power saw] You may feel a slight sawing.
- Hermes Conrad: I thought you were only going to take out one vertebrae.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Yeah, but did you ever play Jenga? Sometimes you take out one and...
- [imitates crashing]
- Philip J. Fry: Oh, sure. Leela's fine. But my jaundice has progressed to Muppet gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.
- [last lines]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Ah... I was going to tan... once.
- [looks dejected]
- Professor Farnsworth: What do you say, Johnny? It's on me.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Thank you, Hubert.
- [both run around whooping]
- Philip J. Fry: I consider myself a reasonable man - quick with a joke, slow to anger - but Bender can't go on long car trips anymore! I say we kill Dr. Zoidberg!
- Hermes Conrad: People, let's be reasonable...
- [falls apart]
- Hermes Conrad: Death to the crab!
- Professor Farnsworth: How bad is it, Johnny?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Superbad. It's Tritonian hypermalaria. Most of these men will be dead in twenty-four hours.
- Sergeant: What?
- Dr. Zoidberg: But not you, sir. You'll make a complete recovery and go on to marry a supermodel.
- Sergeant: Ahh.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Funny plague, hypermalaria. It can kill instantly, or lay dormant for decades. Then you get fever, followed by muscle spasms, insanity, coma, and finally, death.
- Sergeant: Death?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Supermodel!
- Dr. Zoidberg: A Tritonian yeti? You're not planning anything unethical, are you?
- Mom: Relax. There is nothing unethical about a little covert biowarfare research. I said relax!
- Dr. Zoidberg: So anyway, I hope your men had all been taking their hypermalaria shots.
- Professor Farnsworth: Their wha?
- Dr. Zoidberg: "Their wha?"
- [laughs]
- Dr. Zoidberg: That's funny. Like a crazy old man. But you know what's not funny? Deadly Tritonian hypermalaria. Just make sure to stay away from the methane swamps.
- [They land on a swamp]
- Dr. Zoidberg: What smells like methane?
- Philip J. Fry: Stop complaining. My body rejected your liver and now I have Garfield Syndrome. I hate Mondays.
- Bender: Thanks to Dr. Scissorhands, I wet myself every time I laugh.
- [Fry laughs]
- Bender: It's not funny! Well, I guess it is a little funny. He he he... Uh-oh!
- Professor Farnsworth: I saw this in a Tarzan movie. It was called "Tarzan and the Yetis." I lost my virginity while watching it, so I'm a little fuzzy on the details.
- Mom: Do you ever regret it, leaving me to work for the professor?
- Dr. Zoidberg: What do you want me to say, Carol? He saved my life.
- Mom: But you could have had it all. Your own lab, a private staff...
- Dr. Zoidberg: But Hubert is my friend. He's very sick. I can cure him, but I need a thing. The thing from Triton.
- Mom: It'll cost ya. How much are you worth now, Johnny?
- Dr. Zoidberg: I live in a dumpster. All I have is this coupon for a free session at the tanning salon.
- Mom: Oh, Johnny. Is that really all you have?
- [Zoidberg nods yes]
- Mom: Then I'll take it.
- Dr. Zoidberg: What started out as a night of drugs and light surgery has turned into something more. But don't worry, there are two or three other coworkers with lots of spare parts.