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(2012)

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Ted (2012) review
manbearpig230 March 2012
I just want to state off hand that this is my first movie review, well other than just telling someone what I thought. So if you are looking for a well written, witty review then.. you might want to stop reading now. But since this movie is still in production, this will probably be your best bet for the time being.

I just went to a free screening of Ted at the Greenback theater in Sacramento, CA. And I just have to say off the bat, I LOVED it. A movie hasn't made me laugh that hard in a long time. Now, I'm not going to give you any more information than the description because with the movie not even being released yet, I think that would be a spoiler of some sort. But I will tell you that was so much better than what I imagined it would be, granted that was before I knew it was directed and voiced over by Seth Macfarlane. So if you're a fan of his, you're definitely in for a treat, and even if you're not I still think you would enjoy the innovative comedy that comes from a snarky and crude teddy bear companion. The acting was very solid, from main characters to jerk bosses, and crazy.. well, crazy people.. the acting was very convincing and enjoyable. The story was great, while it might sound stupid to some, myself included, it's very well executed. Definitely not one of the movies that left me thinking "the idea was good, but they could have done so much more with it", it was actually quite the opposite. And this is certainly not a low budget film, the CGI animation reflects this. The furry bear voiced by Macfarlane is very realistic and believable.

The only drawback I could possibly see that would cause someone displeasure would be, like a lot of new comedies, this film pushes the envelope in raunchy, vulgar humor. Plus the different amount of drugs used. This movie will receive (most likely), and be very deserving of a R rating. It doesn't rely solely on shock humor though, there is plenty of good old fashioned clean comedy. But if your like me, and that type of subject matter doesn't bother you, then I HIGHLY recommend this film. And if you're a Seth Macfarlane fan, then that's just a perfectly gift wrapped little bonus for you.
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2/10
Seth McFarlane's Gift For Zany Humor Is Nowhere To Be Found In This Comedic Calamity
jaredpahl31 August 2015
Warning: Spoilers
Ted is director Seth McFarlane's first feature film. Now, I think McFarlane is a funny guy. His massively popular TV show, Family Guy, was at one time one of the funniest shows on television. I am a true fan of McFarlane's brand of irreverent humor, but somehow, his first film is almost 100% devoid of laughs.

Ted is about a lazy stoner, played by Mark Wahlberg, and his talking, sentient, teddy bear, voiced by McFarlane in his Peter Griffin accent. The majority of the movie sees the two of them engaging in all sorts of devious behavior. They smoke pot, they pick up hookers, and they party hard. That description seems to warrant, at the very least, a handful of good laughs; especially with McFarlane running the show. However, McFarlane completely botches the humor in this movie. For example, an early gag shows the two friends using a bong. You would assume that's just the setup to the joke... nope... that IS the joke. "They smoke pot. Isn't that funny?!". There are so many of these instances where we're asked to laugh at the premise alone. The idea of a vulgar teddy bear is only so funny, and to hang the entire movie on that premise alone is foolish. I don't think a foul-mouthed teddy bear is funny. If you don't either, then Ted offers nothing to you.

When the jokes don't simply fail, they fall into the raunchy, shock humor trap. Ted himself is incredibly crude, and yet, his vulgarity is not complemented by any type of actual comedy. He's raunchy for the sake of raunchiness. A popular segment, The "Thunderbuddies Song" is not clever or funny in any way. It just has a ton of indecent language, so people will laugh at it, right? Judging by its popularity, I guess that's the case, but come on! Are people that easily tickled? Maybe I'm just a square, but I need more than swear words to make me laugh, I need wit. All of these comedic failures would sink this movie on their own., but the movie has another glaring issue.

The second half or so of Ted is when McFarlane just gives up on the idea of making a comedy. The story of a crazed fanatic who attempts to steal Ted takes center stage and the movie becomes a straightforward chase picture. The jokes stop falling flat, but only because they stop showing up at all. The conflict itself is not at all interesting, and it is totally pointless. I don't go to comedies for action or drama, I go to laugh. On that front, Ted is a failure.

I had one or two laughs during Ted. I can do better than that with any single episode of Family Guy, and I'd save myself a precious hour of life. Ted is unfunny throughout, and the second half is totally misguided. The movie is a nasty, extremely unpleasant misfire. I like Seth McFarlane, but I hate Ted.

10/100
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1/10
One of the most disappointing movie experiences I've ever sat through
sharkfarts farts8 October 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I like Family Guy. So much, that I've always said that if I were stuck on a desert island, Seth MacFarlane is one of the people I'd want to be stuck there with me. I found this movie horrible, loathsome, and lazy, so much so that it actually made me question Family Guy. That's how bad I thought it was. It made me rethink my entire conception of humor.

I did not find this movie funny at all. The style of comedy it uses is similar to that of Adam Sandler, whom I loathe. There's a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing, and overall, a lot stuff that's supposed to be funny. There are no clever jokes, no sense of set-up and reward. Instead, it's "oh look, the man is dancing, that's hilarious!". Not. Or "haha, that guy just said the f-word'". Isn't that funny? Kill me. I did find exactly one scene funny- the one in which Ted and Mark Whalberg have a fist fight in a hotel room. That reminded me of Family Guy and I found the idea so absurd that it made me chuckle. But this moment of hilarity is quickly diffused by a "getting hit in the groin" joke. Now, I realize that Family Guy uses exactly this type of humor, but somehow I always found it funnier. Maybe that's the problem here- live action is a different medium and the same things that work in the campy universe of cartoons don't work with real people.

I realize that this is a comedy, but I do believe that even low brow comedy movies should have a basic story or plot. This was supposed to be a character driven movie. The idea is simple- Mark Whalberg is a man-child who must learn to take responsibility and grow up. The script screws up this idea completely and instead, Mark Whalberg makes absolutely no change as a person. Neither does Ted. I realize it's supposed to be adorable that a teddy bear smokes weed, but the novelty wore off in 2 minutes. That, and I found the accent horribly annoying.

I was excited to see the supporting cast list on wikipedia. Whalberg is great, but like I said, his character was very poorly written. Mila Kunis does nothing in the whole movie but play a horribly clichéd romantic comedy girlfriend who also has no character arc in the movie. Joel McHale is another cliché in the movie and the fact that he's in the movie is a waste of a talented comedic actor. Laura Vandervoort literally does nothing. I mean, I at least expected her to be the seductress who tries to veer Mark Whalberg off the path of righteousness, but even that doesn't happen. So why even have this supporting cast in the movie if no one's going to do anything?

The plot of this movie was equally weak. MacFarlane uses all of these clichéd rom-com scenes and does nothing with them. Here's a small example. This movie has 2 or 3 restaurant scenes. Now ask yourself- why exactly were these scenes in the movie? Usually, restaurants are used in comedy movies to employ some kind of restaurant related humor. Maybe there's a maladjusted person in an uncomfortable environment, or maybe someone has an allergy and they cause a scene. At least someone falling or something. But the first restaurant scene of this movie simply has Mark Whalberg and Mila Kunis sitting and talking. That could have just as easily happened in a living room. So why was the restaurant scene necessary? Why even do that? It's completely pointless.

The ending to this movie accomplishes nothing. Mark Whalberg is supposed to change as a person. The death of Ted should have signified something, and having him come back to life s**ts on the character arc completely and nullifies it. We have no reason to believe that Mark Whalberg will grow up or make any kind of difference in life.

This movie had way too much product placement. Horribly obvious product placement.

Here's what I think. I think Seth MacFarlane is a perfectly competent individual who chose to be lazy. He wrote a horrible script, packed it with TV stars we might recognize, and collected the money. It's not just that this movie had no redeemable qualities. I actually feel like my intelligence was insulted and that I was fooled out of my money. Please don't let movies like this turn off your brain. Think about what you're watching and why you're laughing and don't settle for crap like this.
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8/10
A party of a film... not for the easily offended
JeffTheBadger3 July 2012
I really should start this with a warning: This film is not for everyone! If you are easily offended (by swearing, sexual references, casual racism and various stereotypes) then you should read no further and give this one a miss. However, if you are a fan of Seth MacFarlane's other projects (Family Guy, American Dad) and maybe you call yourself an "80's child" (so many pop culture references to this time) you are going to love this.

Sure some parts are a little disjointed, the story seems vaguely familiar and the "moral" of it kind of gets lost but quite frankly, it's just so darn funny none of that matters. The script is hilarious, the cameos are fantastic and the soundtrack is perfect.

Ted himself is well animated and Seth (apart from sounding a little like Peter Griffin) voices him with the usual competence. Mark Wahlberg delivers exactly what we have come to expect from him, and the rest of the cast seem to have had fun filming, which comes across in the various performances no matter how big or small. The acceptance and interaction of everyone with a living teddy-bear adds to the simple joy of this film, and you find yourself happy to watch and not question why nobody is fazed by this. TED is a laugh a minute, party of a film and I, for one, can't wait to see it again.
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2/10
Not for everyone
Warning: Spoilers
I came into this movie expecting to be laughing almost the whole time, but I sat through the movie almost bored out of my mind! I was on the verge of getting up and leaving but that would of been rude. So instead I sat through the almost unbearable part of the movie where Ted and John (Mark Wahlberg)have a big fight (surprise surprise) and John's girlfriend dumps him (another surprise -_-) it's just a barrage of clichés to be honest. The humour of the film was well below mediocre. I didn't understand some the jokes because they were referencing a celebrity that I have never heard about. The other jokes are about drugs, swearing and getting drunk. The only time I managed a laugh was when Ted was pretending to be a retard . All in all If you're American you'd probably understand and enjoy this movie more than I did. If not, stay away!
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1/10
Gawd Awful!!!
jaxbubba11 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I just do not get it!!! This movie is just plain awful, and yet it is breaking box office records for "R-rated" comedies. With a running time of 98 mins, I could only manage to sit through the first 40 minutes before turning off this unfunny, quite boring, and quite disappointing film.

The premise of this film is quite simple. At the age of eight (8) years old and with no real friends of his own, little John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) makes a Christmas wish for his teddy bear to come to life. Ted and John become life long friends ("thunder buddies"); however, after twenty-seven (27) years of friendship, John must decide on either staying with his girlfriend of four (4) years Lori (Mila Kunis) or Ted.

Ted is the brainchild of Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy / American Dad) and he voices Ted as well. Ted has no redeeming qualities, and is combination of the two characters Quagmire and Brian from the Family Guy TV series. He's a pot-smoking, hooker dating, grocery clerk humping, foul mouth Neanderthal, who Lori (Kunis) feels is preventing her and John from having the adult relationship that she so desires to have.

In the 40 minutes that I managed to sit through, I never laughed, smirked, grinned or even hinted to a gesture of happiness to any of the "so-called" comedy being presented on screen… because there wasn't any there!!!! Unless you consider a foul-mouth, pot smoking teddy bear as being funny, which I did not. However, the scene in which I could take no more, is when Ted, while working as a clerk out clerk in a local grocery store gets caught "bopping" another check out clerk in the store room, and explains to his boss that, "Last week he screwed her with a parsnip and sold the parsnip to a family of four" … so his boss promoted him. IS THAT FUNNY?????? REALLY??? God, I feel like my dad now, I must be getting old!!!! Anyways, the film is making money hand over fist, and has already crossed the $100 million, and expected to cross the $200 million mark by summer's end. I JUST DO NOT GET IT!!!!!! I cannot recommend this film, I cannot even finish watching this film. It's being marketed as this year's "The Hangover", and I can assure you it is nowhere as funny as the "The Hangover"…. I would say avoid at all costs… but who am I???? SEE MORE OF MY REVIEWS ON FB @ "THE FARIS REEL"
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2/10
Tedious and unfunny
evening119 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I have occasionally laughed out loud while my sons, ages 15 and 9, watch Family Guy, so I don't hate Seth MacFarlane.

But I fantasized often during this tiresome film about leaving early and letting my giggling kids get home on their own. (They found it "awesome.")

"Ted" does have a few funny bits. It's not a bad idea to imagine a kid's teddy bear that ages along with him -- into the raunchiest version of a case of arrested development imaginable. The scenes with the supermarket manager are pretty entertaining, and I found Wahlberg's off-key serenade to Kunis amusing.

However, 98 percent of the time I was squirming unpleasantly. Jewish jokes? How terribly fresh and original. Fart gags? That's creative. Scenes of guys getting crazy-drunk, knocking things over, and trashing rooms? My sides were splitting. And it got better from there (i.e., poop on the floor).

The storyline involving Wahlberg and Kunis was strictly a retread. I tired of their petty spats and could not care less whether they stayed together or split. The father-and-son subplot seemed like something I'd seen before.

I know this movie wasn't geared toward 56-year-old moms. However, I did expect a script from the originator of Family Guy to be significantly more clever and fun.

I know many will disagree with me, but this movie reeked.
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1/10
Watch only if you need to lose 2 hours of your life.
velikidace5 August 2012
Warning: Spoilers
First of all let me tell you that I rate movies on a scale from -10 to 10 with 5 being the average and negative numbers for differentiating the awfulness of certain movies that are terrible.

That said I give this movie a 0, even though I like Seth Macfarlane's work this was an absolute disaster.

We got a movie with 1 dimensional leading characters of Ted and John that didn't provide you with a single emotional reaction, while Mila Kunis character was at least somewhat comparable to a person although not at all complex. Supporting cast is the only part worth mentioning since Flash Gordon absolutely stole the show with the 4 minutes of air time he had, his lines were consistent and witty unlike anything main characters did.

Story in itself falls apart since it is not built on anything real, the movie is completely clownish for the first 1 hour without any character build up and then randomly inserts "emotional" parts which left me completely indifferent, it was awkward and out of place.

I could have said something nice about the atmosphere if the movie was consistent as it was for the first half but it started to take itself seriously which ruined the composure.

I wouldn't recommend any movie enthusiast to watch this terrible movie, and reading movie reviews on IMDb in general I'm sure at least 90% of them as well as votes are sponsored by companies, too bad for this once great site.
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1/10
Dreadful.
loumcp10 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I have a perverted sense of humor and do not mind Family Guy, so I'm not sure what I was expecting. But this nasty, pointless, unfunny drivel was a complete waste of my time and money. About the only thing achieved here is an effort to showcase Mila Kunis as completely gorgeous; on all other counts it is a fail - unless you like gratuitous eff words and references to bowel movements/flatulence/anal sex (oooohhh how shocking, and how boring)

*Spoiler Alert* See this and tell me if you can believe Mila Kunis wasting a perfectly good wish on having the world's most repulsive little furball come back to life.

Only for sophomoric morons with no schools to vandalize or cars to torch.
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1/10
Are the rest of these people on crack?
fugetaboutit now12 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was such a piece of crap. Seth McFarlane should stick to what he knows best - cartoons, and leave the real movies to the big people. It was the same rehash of his series Family Guy with a horrible plot about this teddy bear growing up with his owner from childhood and gets... kidnapped? Kidnapped really?? And do we need yet another fat joke, or handicapped joke? If you answered yes, then you deserve to watch this film and lower your I.Q. another 20 points. Honestly, the only real treat was watching Mila Kunis, (and that's some damn fine acting by the way) they must have paid her a fortune to act in this crap. That goes for Mark Wahlberg too If you were expecting some magical, detailed plot where the jokes are actually funny and not recycled from a familiar series, then sorry to say look elsewhere.
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1/10
This is the stupidest most vulgar movie I have ever seen
eloy_lb26 December 2012
Warning: Spoilers
I don't know how and why this movie was made. It's awful, plain awful. And most of all it's filled with stupid, vulgar jokes and references. I've seen bad movies before, but this one beats them by far. To make things worse, a grown up beats a boy and they make it look OK. A teddy bear is f.u... a girl and they make it look OK. The guy who has made this movie, Seth something is really deranged to make up a story like this. Stay away from this movie it's a complete waste of time. They talk about the superman movie at the end and they say it's not good? Let me tell you something: How about your movie a..h..o..l..e..s?

Repeat to fill more line ------------------------ I don't know how and why this movie was made. It's awful, plain awful. And most of all it's filled with stupid, vulgar jokes and references. I've seen bad movies before, but this one beats them by far. To make things worse, a grown up beats a boy and they make it look OK. A teddy bear is f.u... a girl and they make it look OK. The guy who has made this movie, Seth something is really deranged to make up a story like this. Stay away from this movie it's a complete waste of time. They talk about the superman movie at the end and they say it's not good? Let me tell you something: How about your movie a..h..o..l..e..s?
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6/10
A standard comedy - but with a teddy bear
glen201012 August 2012
Whilst I did not dislike 'Ted' I cannot say I was overly impressed by it. The hype and popularity that built up towards the film's release had me expecting something fresh, something that would keep me laughing days after. To my disappointment, 'Ted', to me, turned out to just another Rom-Com, its only real unique twist being Ted himself.

Having said that, 'Ted' did provide some good laughs, whilst they weren't exactly side-splitting the film was entertaining and I did watch the entire feature without getting bored or uninterested. The animations for Ted were of a good quality, doing a good job in making it seem like Ted was actually there with the actors, rather than just a computer-generated 3D image.

What I felt let 'Ted' down was it's predictability and lack of memorable or unique laughs. Being rated as a 15, 'Ted's plot didn't seem to suit it's targeted audience, I have seen similar story lines in films rated PG or even U but the explicit content of 'Ted' was clearly intended for more mature audiences, therefore I felt it deserved a more mature plot.

Overall, I'd recommend 'Ted' to those who are looking for a relatively light-hearted story with a few giggles added in and a cursing, yet somehow still lovable, teddy bear. It's good, but nothing overly special.
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4/10
Disappointing
Tinker Tailor9 July 2013
Warning: Spoilers
I came into this movie with high expectations. I have been a big fan of Family Guy for years now, and I couldn't wait to see this when it came out on DVD. I ended up paying about £14 for it when it came out (you can actually get it for about £5 now) and watched it straight after my purchase.

So basically, it's about some teddy bear (Seth MacFarlane) that comes to life, smokes A LOT of marijuana as he ages, has a best friend called John (Mark Wahlberg), and John has a girlfriend called Lori (Mila Kunis). Some s**t happens with John and Lori's relationship (she wants to get married etc) and Fat Teddy gets in the way.

Then the reincarnation of Jimmy Savile comes, stalks Ted, Ted gets ripped in half, and DIES!

*du du DUUUUUUUUUU*

John then wishes for Ted back, and he comes back to life.

Now my friends had seen this film and told me repeatedly that it was, to quote them, "TEH FUNNIEZT FILM EVAR!!!!!1". Sorry to the fans of the movie, but it really, really wasn't funny. However, if you would enjoy a whole hour and a half of jokes about drugs, sex and farts then I would highly recommend it.

I am only giving it a four due to the fact that despite the constant unfunniness and fart jokes, it was actually quite sweet.
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1/10
pure script-less crap
cablooie10 November 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Folks, if you can't think of anything else but destroying a teddy bear as a result of a script-less 2h nonsense in which 2 idiots argue nonstop for unknown reasons, just quit making movies and go back working for McDonalds. The worst crock of manure I have ever seen in my whole life. Material for a 2 min short with a funny teddy. Oh crap, we don't have a long enough story for a film, let's say Mark and Mila keep fighting over nothing for 1 h. That covers up pretty much 80% of the time. Still not long enough? OK, the cute teddy bear dies, a sick maniac rips him in two =) how about that? Just perfect for children. Almost there with time? OK, teddy bear is revived =) What a great idea wow. The ultimate concept. I would like to catch the idiotic teen who wrote this moronic story and torture him for a couple of hours, just as he did to me. Stay away from this junk folks and overall don't let your kids watch it, it's stinky puke put together without ideas, no script, no nothing. Only a pinch of sadistic stupidity. Hate is everything that this smelly swill can produce.
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2/10
Toy Story gone wrong; Tasteless and Forgettable.
Victoria Rickson26 March 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Doesn't every child want their stuffed animals to come to life and talk? In fact, wasn't that the same idea which made Toy Story wildly successful? For a premise with endless potential, director/writer/actor Seth McFarlane does not deliver a story worth watching once, let alone twice. TED has received more hype than perhaps any other comedy in the last ten years, but has let me down the most.

The humor is crude, offensive and leaves me depressed and hopeless. In many ways, the film is trying harder than it should have to to get a laugh. I would have liked to be in the room when the writers decided "I have a good idea! Lets make a TV fall on a guys crotch and stab a knife into another guys hand. That'll be funny!". Though in many ways, this kind of so called "humor" is to be expected of the creator of Family Guy, which in itself is tasteless, I expected more of Marc Wahlburg and Mila Kunis. Both actors have previously been very creditable in dramas, Wahburg in The Fighter and Kunis in Black Swan, and both had supporting roles, which were actually funny, in Tina Fey and Steve Carell's Date Night. I kept watching TED with the hope of the end holding a redeeming quality, but it only got worse. Lets just say the best part of the movie was when the credits rolled and I could finally turn it off. I must thank McFarlane for one thing, I now have a sure fire way of telling if a man is worth dating by asking a single question; "Did you enjoy TED?". If the answer is yes, he is likely not worth my time.

The idea of a sequel makes me weep for the movie industry, America's intelligence and the fact the future generation will one day be leading this country. I mean, what are we really teaching our kids by portraying their beloved stuffed animals as unsympathetic, sex obsessed and downright rude characters? Nothing worthwhile, I can tell you that. Avoid this movie at all costs, and for goodness sakes, leave the kids at home watching something innocent and actually enjoyable.
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1/10
So much potential, so much of the same. What a shock.
Ruiz Manalo26 September 2013
Story and plot had a lot of potential, and although I am not a big Family Guy fan I have found Seth Mcfarlane to have some bright spots that are really funny in his writing. Not sure what his obsession is with oldtyme show-tunes but I digress.

This film shows everything that is wrong with the Hollywood hype machine & the poison of writers/directors thinking something is funny just because of the premise or their brand of shtick that's become popular.

This movie is not that funny, it's just the same old jokes that try too hard to push the envelope with material we have simply just seen WAY too much, especially from Mcfarlane & his barrage of cartoons, etc.

Had some funny moments but instead of taking any chances with making a unique story it ends up doing the same Adam Sandler nonsense of copying every other trashy Rom-Com formula cliché in the book.

The special effects were good, some of the jokes were clever, but if they wasted a great opportunity to make something different here. Not sure why this movie is as overrated as Avengers but I guess this is what we settle for these days.

Only acting worth mentioning was the female lead...other than that it is the typical & expected cookie-cutter performances by non-funny male leads.

Blah Hollywood, blah.
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1/10
Racist jokes are NOT funny
hemril8 August 2013
Warning: Spoilers
I am sorry IMDb. I hope I will not be considered to have spoiled the movie with my title. But I admit I may have, because the whole thing is laced with stupid jokes about Jews, Blacks, women, etc. No, I did not like it for this reason, and for many others. The writing is awful, the plot is ridiculous and it is a perfect waste of talent on the screen. You see, when a movie wants to make a completely unbelievable plot credible, it has to make the audience play along: this one fails. And I cannot believe that this movie has, as I'm preparing this review, a score of 7,1 on IMDb. It can't be true. Meanwhile, Admission, with Tina Fay gets a 5,5. I do not say admission should be a 7, but at least a 6,5. Anyway, I really want to underline the fact that even if a Jewish person makes a joke about Jewish people, I will not find it funny. I have too much respect for humanity to play along with this unacceptable way of trying to make a buck.
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8/10
Consistently funny and a surprisingly cohesive effort from MacFarlane
Movie_Muse_Reviews29 June 2012
First there was Gollum, then Caesar the ape and now ... Ted? If you thought motion-capture animation was beyond the range of foul-mouthed R-rated comedy, here's your evidence to the contrary. "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane has taken his love of characters who shouldn't behave like humans behaving like humans to the next level —and the big screen — with "Ted," a story of growing up — at the age of 35.

Fans of MacFarlane and "Family Guy" will be the first to tell you that the comedy pioneer has been more cold than hot lately (I guess those manatees in the tank of idea balls have been worked too hard). It's not easy to keep scoring laughs using the same non-sequitur formula over and over again, but fortunately "Ted" is a more comically cohesive effort than you'd ever expect from the king of unexpected random jabs, references and political incorrectness.

If you haven't been curious enough to find out what the film is about already, "Ted" tells the story of how young John Bennett (who grows up to be Mark Wahlberg), who had trouble fitting in as a kid, made a wish on Christmas Day for his teddy bear to come to life. His wish comes true and Ted becomes world famous, even appearing on the Johnny Carson Show. But as Patrick Stewart lovingly and frankly reminds us in his role as narrator: like Corey Feldman and Frankie Muniz, eventually, people stop giving a ****.

Despite a serious relationship of four years with Lori (Mila Kunis), nearly middle-aged John is still ripping bongs and watching '80s "Flash Gordon" with his equally irresponsible teddy bear best friend. Eventually, John must start to make sacrifices if he wants to become the adult that Lori wants him to be, and Ted is arguably the chief reason for his inability to shape up.

There aren't exactly any curveballs in this story, but that's when you realize you're watching a film in which a man is trying to stop hanging out with his profane teddy bear. Despite the obvious outcomes, "Ted" has to be considered an original comedy.

It's also consistently funny. Sure, the nature of many of the jokes is that they exist in a vacuum and aren't necessarily related to what's going on or what matters, but much of the references actually tie into the plot later on (such as Flash Gordon ... it'll make sense when you see it) and it's far less random than skeptics will come in expecting. That said, some of its best jokes and references will resonate on a personal level, i.e. if you watch this with a group of people, you're bound to laugh really hard at times when they don't and vice-versa.

The only thing that feels a little out of place is a subplot involving Giovanni Ribisi as a creepy single father who has been a longtime admirer of Ted's and inquires about purchasing him for his overweight son. You've never seen Ribisi like this and that alone is amusing, but the focus of the film is on how John and Ted's mischief impacts his ability to grow up and get more serious with Lori, and this sort of butts into things.

Yet for all its shenanigans, the amount of heart and sincerity in some of the relationship drama between John and Lori is surprising. Wahlberg and Kunis are generally pretty convincing, even if it's a bit weird that John is mature enough to have a relationship last four years but not enough to not screw things up at his job or avoid giving in to Ted's peer pressure. (Bear pressure?)

The secret weapon is that Ted really is kind of adorable, and the mo-cap gives him an extra lifelike quality. The film hits some emotional notes early (who can't identify with loving a stuffed animal?) and this helps it to reconnect later on despite all the R-rated chaos in between. That ability alone assures "Ted" will be seen as better than a majority of foul- mouthed, dirty-minded comedies.

"Ridiculous" comes to mind as the best descriptor for "Ted," which one has to imagine MacFarlane aimed for in the first place. His performance as the titular bear is certainly reminiscent of Peter Griffin (there's a wink to the audience about that, by the way), but more importantly, Ted is treated as more than just an opportunity for a never-ending string of jokes that are simply funnier because "it's a teddy bear."

Maybe having to create a complete package in the form of a movie has helped MacFarlane learn how to tone down his shtick. Audiences will write you off if you deliver them something inconsistent and scatter-brained that goes beyond 30 inconsequential minutes of their lives, and MacFarlane and co-writers Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild make the majority of adjustments needed to honor that notion. "Ted" is as engaging as it is clever, funny and ridiculous.

~Steven C
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1/10
Waste of time, typical lazy Seth MacFarlane writing
donttalkaboutfightclub29 April 2013
Warning: Spoilers
First of all I absolutely despise Family Guy and its cheap humour and I might be a little biased but I did give this movie a fair chance. I didn't laugh once. Douche MacFarlane is both a terrible writer and voice actor. The story could be told in 15 minutes but is stretched out to 106 boring, dreadful minutes. Even in this one Douche MacFarlane can't resist to hit people in the face with his annoying anti-religious propaganda. He's such a liberal self-absorbed arrogant douche, he doesn't realise he's not funny at all. Pot smoking might be funny for 15-year old teenager and people who have never smoked pot, but when you are past that phase it's just annoying. Other jokes are a prostitute craps on the floor (how funny...), the bear has sex with a trailer trash chick and when he does something wrong at his job he always gets promoted. Well, isn't that just hilarious. Dear Douche MacFarlane, please retire from the entertainment business. When I see your stuff on TV or in the theater it always reminds me of that Billy Madison speech. "Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
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8/10
Crude, lewd and rude = perfect! NOT a kid's movie!
lansingjim20 June 2012
I got into a screening of this movie thanks to my daughter, after waiting what felt like forever. I saw the unrated trailer on YouTube and couldn't wait to see it. As another reviewer said, if you like Family Guy, you'll like this. In some ways, it IS Family Guy. Wahlberg basically plays a Peter Griffin type character,a likable, but somewhat dimwitted guy. Ted is essentially Brian, smart, witty and self-centered and Mila is sort of a Lois type, hot and the grown up in the story. Be warned, this is NOT a children's movie. Nudity, drug and alcohol use, plus heavy on the profanity. In other words, go see it! Just leave your (little) kids at home.
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1/10
pointless, inept
John Smith4 September 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Saw this and had the constant feeling of awkwardness on behalf of the people producing it. The timing for jokes is sometimes way off. The storyline doesn't make sense in itself (I know speaking toys don't exist - I mean they are inconsistent with the make-believe stuff they tell you).

I expected clever jokes from McFarlane, political/social satire (great time for it, isn't it). Unfortunately he managed a script that only pointlessly rumbles on from here to there trying to develop something with love story and talking bear... something... something. I laughed a handful of times, but that isn't enough for 100 minutes.

You are just constantly pushed out of it by inept movie-craftsmanship. The casting is ridiculous. A former superhero and another former man in black have a small side role as a 'funny' gay couple. - Problem is a 12 year old makes better gay jokes. The stuff feels really outdated for me. Maybe in the early 1990s such a thing as a man who is gay but can't figure it out was funny. Plus one can see no one gave them useful direction to portray the characters, as they are SO VISIBLE as the actors who did that other movie all the time. If you do this and these kind/level of jokes now you look like a film-school freshman who couldn't afford a professional script-reviewer.
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1/10
Worst movie ever
Luckylee2184 September 2012
Warning: Spoilers
One of THE MOST sexist and problematic movies I have ever seen in my life. It wasn't funny, it was purely idiotic.

First of all, John is a total loser who is completely irresponsible and his girlfriend, Lori, ends up being treated like she's some sort of award to be won or lost. Lori's also completely shallow and only seems to like him because of his looks, which frankly... is all that he really has going for him I suppose. Ted's completely sexist, homophobic, fat-shaming, and immature.

Then there's Rex who treats Lori like a fetish. There's seriously not a single good role model or decent person in the entire movie. It's simply one stereotype built upon another. I am deeply ashamed in society for allowing such a movie to gain so much popularity when it's the abyss of everything that's wrong in the world. It reeks of privilege.
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1/10
3-D: Disgusting. Degenerating. Dangerous.
Perfectionisbeauty6 August 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Absolutely nihilistic piece of stupidity. Seth MacFarlane's story is beyond the limits of human foolishness. Let him hear it. A mixture of morbid imagination and conscious attack on the minds of degenerated generation. Hidden lie and abominable attempt to profane everything. What inadmissible frivolity it was to show this concoction to the public. I may only suspect of the reasons of those wretched and ill-natured producers to contribute money for nothing but spoiling the minds.

Infantile person is a "hero" befriended by a bad-mouthing, swearing religiously toy. No talents, but both are "extremely funny". Even Norah Jones!!! (what a shame!) gives him a chance. And a shop-girl who couldn't invent anything better as having intercourse with teddy-bear! What kind of love is in the story I ask? Sham and shame. And propaganda: "you don't know yet whether you are gay or not!". And carefree violence: drinks, drugs, parties, doll-girls and sh-t.

Conclusion: never watch you will never miss.
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2/10
Why did I waste my money on this ?
lts1002 August 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This is the first movie review I've ever done and after watching Ted it "inspired" me to write a review. How this movie has close to an 8 star rated is just sad. This movie is downright awful. I'm not really giving any spoilers because there's nothing to give away. It's pretty much an entire, drawn out recent family guy episode. Mark Walberg gets picked on as a child makes a wish and gets a magical talking teddy bear. How cute. Fast forward to when he's a 35 year old loser and Ted is still his best friend. Only now Ted turns out to be a raunchy lil teddy bear who smokes weed drink all that. It doesn't match up. Mark Walberg doesn't seem like the couch sitting loser he's portraited to be. Mila Kunis is his gf of 4 years and she has her life together. But somehow they are a couple blah blah. She wants more from him and their relationship but Ted is bringing him down with his constant drinking, smoking, all that stupid stuff. Her boss Joel McHale is constantly hitting on her but she's happy with her boyfriend. They eventually break up, she goes on a date with her boss so he can stop bothering her and then she still doesn't want him. Walberg ruins their date by performing a stupid song. Ted goes to have a serious chat with her trying to get them back together. She meets him at a restaurant then their makeup gets interrupted by Giovani Ribisi and his son who kidnap Ted. Ted gets ripped apart at Fenway Park and "dies" in a sense. Kunis wishes upon a star and he's magically back to life..the end. I can't forget the mention all the jokes throughout the movie. There was a scene where Kunis comes home to find Ted with hookers and there's a dump on the floor. That was kind of funny I did laugh at that scene. And the other kind of funny scene was when Ted is working at a grocery store trying to flirt with a blonde girl so he takes a bottle of lotion and pretends to ejaculate. Now other than that, all of the jokes revolved around Family Guy. Yeah we get it already you made Family Guy (aside from the first 4-5 seasons isn't funny at all) but was it really necessary to make your film the same exact thing as family guy? The concept could have gone so much better. The cast in the movie is great. Mark Walberg, Mila Kunis, and Joel McHale are extremely funny people. And even Giovanni Ribisi. But this movie does not in any way portray just how funny they are. It was just an awful movie. Completely overrated. Seth McFarlene is just not funny. He was at one point. When Family guy first came out it was hilarious. Just such a funny show but after season 5 it's completely redundant and overused jokes don't do it. I'm not one to be easily offended I even love toilet humor/all that crap but this movies sucks. You can't force offensive jokes down people's throats like he does. Being that I'm not a huge McFarlene fan, I wasn't expecting to be blown away. But after how many good reviews it got, I was expecting something more. Not to sit there wondering what other movies I could leave and go see.

This doesn't appeal to a certain age group because on one end you have twitter/Facebook references, Kim Karshain jokes, and other celebrities from the past 5 years or so yet the movie focuses so much around Flash Gordon. There's even a god awful Airplane reference. Two completely different time periods. Not worth seeing whatsoever. Even if it's free. I found The Other Guys to be 10000000x better. Or no scratch that. The Happening (which also stars Mark Walberg) is funnier than this movie. I hope in my lifetime Seth McFarlene never makes another movie again. Ever.
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1/10
The Worst Movie I've ever seen!
dogsrule189112 July 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was the worst movie I've ever seen. "Ted" is a foul mouthed nasty rendition of what used to be a symbol of a sweet toy. You would think that Hollywood get a clue about why all of their movies flop. Either movies are redo's or trash like "Ted"! It amazes me that movies like this can even be shown at a regular theater. My teenage daughter asked to leave and this was the first movie she has ever done that to. I think what is worse is that Mark Walberg the star of the show has young children who will someday grow up and want to see movies their dad has been in. He should be ashamed of himself and I won't be seeing any of his movies in the future since he is going to stoop to this level of worse than B movies.
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