Our Idiot Brother (2011)
Omar: [speaking extremely slowly] I'm Officer Omar Coleman. I'm your parole officer.
Ned: I'm Ned Rochlin. Why are you talking so slow?
Omar: [now speaking normally] I just figured, looking at your sheet, that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer that you must be retarded.
Ned: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Ned: I like to think that if you put your trust out there; if you really give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion.
Ned: Ok I, I really didn't want to get litigious, but I brought a lawyer.
Cindy: [off-screen, shouting into the phone] Well I am sorry I don't have a fat, throbbing cock for you!
Janet: That's some Ivy League shit out there, man.
Ned: [working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop] Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.
Billy: It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!
Ned: That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another another candle.
Billy: Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!"
Ned: [agreeing, amused by the idea] I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!
Billy: [still revising his literary contribution] Trust me man... I have been other candles!
Ned: Hey, you know, I've been meaning to tell you. You're doing a really good thing here, Omar. Seriously. I mean you talk to us screw-ups, you give us a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.
Omar: Thanks, man. So you get out of bed in another three weeks, OK?
Ned: I'll do it.
Omar: I appreciate the compliment. It's rare that we get love from the clients.
Ned: Well, you're a good dude. And I just needed this appointment today, I'm having a tough go of it. I swear, I try and do good, but I just screw it up. Man, I screwed it up with my sisters, I'm back living with my mom. On top of it all, I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the street from me.
Omar: OK, I didn't just hear that.
Ned: I said I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the stre...
Omar: What are you doing? Hey! Ned, why are you telling me this?
Ned: I just need to unload, man. That's part of why I'm here, right?
Omar: I'm not your therapist, Ned. You don't tell your parole officer you got high. Now I have to report you or I could lose my job.
Ned: Seriously? Can you forget I said that?
Omar: No, Ned, I can't.
Ned: Aw, fuck.
Billy: Do you think this is an ugly candle?
Ned: No way, man. There's no such thing as an ugly homemade candle.
Miranda: You're wearing plastic shoes, and what is this shirt made out of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See? I mean, isn't that a food? You're wearing food.
Jeremy: [Referring to Ned not being able to go through with a 3-way with a man and a woman] Just because you're straight doesn't mean you're homophobic.
Ned: [Feeling ashamed of himself] I don't know, maybe I should have tried harder.
Ned: [looking for his dog Willy Nelson] Hey man, have you seen Willy Nelson?
Billy: Oh, Yeah, definitely.
Billy: [realizing what was actually asked] Oh you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!
Ned: [about River] You know, he's just a little boy. Little boys fight. Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist.
Janet: I am not going to stand here and be insulted on my own porch.
Miranda: I'll insult you right here.
Janet: OK, I'm a pacifist. I don't play that way.
Miranda: I'm gonna peace you in the side of the fuckin' head you don't give us the dog.
Janet: I'm not going to receive that with anything but love.
Natalie: [On the phone, to Cindy's voicemail] I know you're not gonna call me back but... Hum, one more thing, remember that time I missed your awards dinner? Well, hum, I wasn't really working. I was at home watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York... I'm sorry, hum... What else?
Miranda: Every man I meet is either a dick or a looser.
Ned: What about Jeremy? He's not a dick. And he's not a looser, either.
Miranda: Well, that's debatable. He doesn't even have health insurance.
Ned: Neither do I. At least I don't think I do.