Project X (2012)
Dad: I just didn't think you had it in you.
Thomas: I know. Sorry I let you down.
Dad: No, I literally didn't think you had this in you. So uh, how many people were here?
Thomas: Uh, 15 hundred. Couple thousand maybe.
Thomas: You should have seen it. It was awesome.
Dad: Well, you're still fucked Thomas.
Thomas: [holding the gnome] How did this thing get up here? Was someone in my parent's room?
Costa: It's a gnome. I guess he gets around. Who cares, man?
Thomas: Well, I just don't want people up here. Besides it's creepy. Look at him. JB, what are you looking for?
JB: Looking to see if your dad has condoms. I'm working on something downstairs.
Costa: The only thing you're working on is diabetes, you fat fuck.
Costa: [after the midget drives the car into the pool] Wow. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix any of this shit. I'm sorry Thomas. I just wanted to get some pussy.
JB: Holy shit, dude. It's Miles Teller.
Thomas: Dude, it is. That's him! Holy shit.
JB: He's so badass.
Costa: Yeah, my boy's starting at second base for USC.
JB: I heard he got sent to detention once and wound up banging the teacher.
Costa: Mi-Tell! What's crackin' bro? We go to North Pas.
Thomas: Yeah, dude, big fans.
Costa: Huge fans.
Miles: Cool. Awesome.
Costa: Look, we're making a movie.
JB: Invite him, man. Come on.
Thomas: Okay. Listen, Miles, we're having a little soiree at my place tonight. If you wanna swing by it should be.
Costa: [interrupts] Teller, my boy here is underselling this like a mother fucker. This shit's gonna be legit. You should definitely swing by.
Miles: Yeah, I can't. I actually have other plans tonight, so I might not make it.
Costa: Dude, think about it. It's on Dickens Street. We'd love to have you.
Miles: Dickens Street?
Miles: That's your party? You guys are throwing that? That's where I'm going. I heard it's gonna be fucking crazy, bro!
Thomas: That's my party. I'm Thomas Kub. It's my birthday today.
Miles: Yeah, I heard it's gonna be unlimited high school pussy and shit.
Costa: Dude, high school pussy for days.
Thomas: Guess what mama Kub and papa Kub gave, uh...
Kirby: Baby Kub?
Thomas: Baby Kub, for his birthday.
Thomas: The Kub mobile.
Costa: [All 3 are sprawled on the front lawn] I love you guys. No seriously. Look I realize I can be like a huge dick sometimes, I'm really sorry for that.
Thomas: It's okay.
Costa: No it's not. JB, I'm sorry for buying you a bra on your birthday. That wasn't cool.
JB: Wasn't cool man.
Costa: And I'm sorry for all the times I called you "fat fuck." "Pudgy bitch." "Fudgy the whale." And I'm sorry for that time at your brother's Bar Mitzvah when I told everyone you look like Rosie O'Donnell because you don't.
JB: I don't.
Costa: I'm gonna go have a long cry, and then start calling some lawyers.
Costa: [holds up shot of liquor] Dax?
Dax: [off-screen, behind camera] Thank you. But I don't drink alcohol.
Costa: Okay, faggot.
High School Student: Is this the same party that dick in the sweater vest was telling us about?
Costa: [about the "Naked Girls Only" sign] The next time your pool guy comes by for a clean, he's gonna say, "Excuse me Mr. Kub, but I think I may have found some water in your semen."
Thomas: Kirby I'm really sorry about what happened. I didn't know how to handle it. But I think I do now and that's why I'm here. My life right now, it's totally ruined, okay. I practically burned down my whole neighborhood. Probably bankrupted my parents. I'll be in debt until I die. But, the only thing I care about fixing right now is this. So, I'm sorry. You're still mad. I get it. But if you are talking to me about my next birthday, I'd really like to spend it with just you.
[She kisses him]
Thomas: So we're cool again?
Kirby: I never said you were cool.
[They hug. Thomas motions for Dax to stop filming]
Rob: Hey, Thomas. Look man I don't want to be a dick here or anything, but your friend Oliver came by earlier and told me you guys were having a little party but this is too much.
Thomas: Yeah. We actually should be winding down like midnight, maybe 1. Is that okay?
Rob: No, it's not. I'm sorry. The baby can't sleep and Melinda's gotta be up early for work.
Costa: Fuck yeah! My boy Rob is here to rage! Good to see you, brother.
Rob: Whoa, yeah. Actually I'm not raging, but I'm just telling Thomas it's time to shut it down.
Costa: You can't be serious. This is a great party. What the fuck?
Rob: I am serious because it's 11:30 at night and it's time to wrap it up.
JB: Hey, hey, hey. Why don't we just bring everyone to the back and lower the volume a bit.
Rob: Guys, this isn't a request! The party's over.
Costa: I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree then, aren't we?
Rob: Listen to me. Thomas, either shut it down or I'm calling the cops. Fine, fuck it! I'm calling the fucking cops.
[gets a taser shot by Everett]
Costa: Fuck! Oh shit!
JB: Jesus fucking Christ! What did you do that for?
Costa: [Rob punches Everett in the face] Are you fucking kidding me? I will fucking kill you!
Rob: The little fuck tazed me! I'm definitely calling the cops now!
Costa: You punched a kid in the face! I'm calling the cops on your ass now!
Rob: Do it, genius! It's all on tape. I just saw this mother fucker record it right here.
Dax: No, all I got was you punching that little child's face.
Rob: Fuck you!
Costa: Go home, Robert!
Dax: Thanks Thomas. I had a really fun time. You'll be alright.
Costa: Mr. Kub, how cool is it that Thomas was born on your anniversary, yeah? What a great anniversary gift. A baby.
Costa: You fuck this up, I will stab you. I'm not kidding.
Costa: [Thomas and Costa are on the roof. The crowd below is chanting Thomas' name] Are you hearing this? This is your fucking Party man!
Thomas: You're right dude. I needed this.
Thomas: [All 3 lay on the front lawn, high on ecstasy] Hey guys? I hooked up with Kirby. I'm like, really into her.
Costa: Okay seriously Thomas, that's like cool and all, but she's like always been around. It's like hooking up with JB, but her tits are smaller.
Costa: I'm just saying. Kirby's sort of like, one of us. Tonights about the girls we never had a shot at. Tonight's about changing the game.
Thomas: [the three watch the party from the bathroom window] Where the fuck did all these people even come from? You know some guy down there told me he found out about the party on fucking Craigslist?
Costa: My dad met my step-mom on Craigslist.
Thomas: So you just put up my address on the fucking internet?
JB: Well, not just the internet.
Costa: Shut the fuck up JB!
Thomas: No wait, what the fuck is he talking about?
Costa: Okay, I had Jesse Marco put out an email blast and he may have called a radio station.
Thomas: You motherfuckers!
Thomas: [Looking at a picture from when they were younger] Oh my god. What was wrong with me? Wow, this was before Costa.
Kirby: Yeah, the good old days.
Thomas: Yeah, back when you were still in the crew.
[He holds the picture next to her face]
Thomas: You used to be so cute, what happened?
Kirby: Shut the fuck up. It still looks like me.
Thomas: [He kisses her] Was that weird? I'm sorry. Shit that was weird wasn't it?
Kirby: No, it was...
[They make out]
Kirby: [Shows Thomas a video of his dog tied to balloons] Can you imagine if your mom ever saw that?
Thomas: Poor Milo.
Kirby: I don't know. It's pretty funny. Maybe I'll post it on youtube.
Thomas: No no, don't. Don't, seriously stop.
Kirby: Come on, you're way too easy. I love it.
Thomas: I hate you.
Thomas: You're okay Milo, I promise.
Costa: Make sure you wear something tight!
Costa: The guy isn't going to do shit. He punched a 12-year old in the face.
Tyler: Can I help you, sir?
Rob: I'm here to see Thomas.
Tyler: First and last name, please.
Rob: I'm Rob, the neighbor. Who the fuck are you?
Tyler: I'll ask the questions, sir.
Rob: Exactly. Get the hell out of my way.
Costa: [shoving Thomas' dog away] Get off me you little faggot dog.
Costa: What up my lovely females? This is your boy Costa, your host for the evening. Behind me is Thomas Kub's house. Today is Thomas Kub's birthday,
Costa: and this is Project X, yo.
Mom: I'm just worried.
Dad: About what?
Mom: I don't know. Thomas, leaving him alone all weekend.
Dad: Oh please. Come on honey, he's 17 years old.
Mom: That's what I'm worried about.
Dad: Let's be realistic here. This is Thomas we're talking about. He's not exactly Mr. Popular.
Mom: What is that supposed to mean?
Dad: I'm just saying that he's not that type of kid, you know. He's got a couple friends, they're gonna hang out, but they're not gonna do anything. He's a sweet kid, but he's a loser.
Tyler: [panicked] We're fucked!
Thomas: What? Oh, hey what's going on?
Tyler: There's people in the house!
Thomas: Oh shit!
Tyler: I'm understaffed!
Everett - Security Guard: Hey boss.
JB: What the fuck?
Costa: There he is! This is Everett and his boy Tyler. They're gonna be running security for the night.
Thomas: Are you serious? Are those nun-chucks?
Everett - Security Guard: Yeah.
Thomas: [laughing] Oh shit.
JB: You guys look like Ninjas.
Tyler: Ninjas are fucking pussies!
Costa: That's why I love this kid.
Tyler: You know it.
Costa: Seriously Thomas, with these two we got nothing to worry about.
Rob: [to Costa, as the neighborhood burns] Great party, buddy! You own me a fucking tree, you piece of shit!
Costa: [screaming] ALL I WAS DOING WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME, YOU COCK SUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
Rob: You know where you're going? YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER!
[the two boys tackle him]
Costa: That's my boy! SUCK MY DICK ROBERT! SUCK MY FUCKING DICK!
Rob: [as the riot police close in] Nice party buddy.
[points to a flaming tree in his front yard]
Rob: You owe me a fucking tree!
Costa: All we were trying to do was have a good time you cocksucking motherfucker! This is your fault!
Kirby: [Filming Thomas] So Thomas, are you having fun?
Kirby: Not at all?
Kirby: You look pretty fucked up.
Thomas: I'm, I'm, I'm a little fucked up.
Kirby: But you look good. Have you gotten lucky at all?
Thomas: I'm pretty lucky right now.
Kirby: Slow down dude.
Thomas: Dude, people are stealing shit, breaking shit. I mean people are probably stealing shit.
Costa: Alexis was eye-fucking the shit out of you, and you got college girls on your dick. You're golden!
Thomas: Dude I'm so fucked.
Thomas: Yeah, I'm letting Costa plan most of it.
Kirby: Oh, that sounds like a really brilliant idea.
Kirby: [Kirby walks in on Thomas and Alexis making out] Oh my god, Thomas.
Kirby: Fuck off!
[She runs off, Thomas follows her]
Alexis: Thomas, what the fuck? Asshole.
Costa: [holds gnome in front of his crotch] Oh, I'm coming on Santa Claus's face!
Thomas: My parents are gonna crucify me if anything gets fucked up! You know what I don't care if everyone thinks I'm a dick, I'm getting them out of the house.
Costa: Dude come on.
[Thomas stands on a chair]
Costa: Dude what the fuck are you doing? Thomas! Please don't embarrass me like this!
Thomas: Hey listen up!
Alexis: Yeah, Thomas! Woow!