Ann Perkins: What's up?
Leslie Knope: What's wrong with me? Why do good guys hate me and gross guys love me? Diagnose me, you're a nurse.
Ann Perkins: There's nothing wrong with you. You're an intelligent, classy, attractive woman, but for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling.
Leslie Knope: So I should go and ask them what they think it is I'm selling.
Leslie Knope: A douche-vestigation.
Chris Traeger: Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in the United States.
Tom Haverford: Soon to be third. Look out, San Antonio.
Chris Traeger: Have you ever had a turkeyburger?
Ron Swanson: Is that a fried turkey leg wrapped inside a burger? Because if so, then yes. Delicious.
Tom Haverford: Oh can I get some apps'n'sserts?
Tom Haverford: SSerts is what I call desserts, Tray trays are entrees, I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers, Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z I dunno where that came from, I call cakes, big ol' cookies, All noodles, long ass rice, Fried chicken is fri fri chicky chick, Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm, Chicken cacciatore, chicky catch, I call eggs, pre birds, or future birds, Root beer is super water, Tortillas are bean blankies, And I call forks, food rakes.
Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. If I win, hamburgers stay on the menu.
Chris Traeger: And if I win, what do I get?
Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all: victory over me, Ron Swanson.
Andy Dwyer: Did you you know that the food you eat becomes energy?
Andy Dwyer: [kicking the air] That's spaghetti.
Andy Dwyer: [punching the air] That's tacos.
Andy Dwyer: [doing another move] That's cereal.
April Ludgate: That's my husband.
Ron Swanson: I'm not planning to buy anything here. I buy all my hamburgers at Food and Stuff, a place equidistant from my home and work. I'm here for the same reason people go to zoos.
Ron Swanson: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff.
Andy Dwyer: Chris?
Chris Traeger: Now Andy, I said one thing.
Andy Dwyer: April?
April Ludgate: Pinwheel.
Leslie Knope: So, I was wondering, how did we get matched up on hoosiermate.com?
Tom Haverford: I created 26 different profiles, each one to attract a different girl. Tom A. Haverford is athletic. Tom B. Haverford is brave. Which letter did you get?
Leslie Knope: N, Tom N. Haverford.
Tom Haverford: Ha! The n stands for nerd. I never check that one because no one ever responds to it. Tom N. Haverford collects globes. His favorite movie is books.
Leslie Knope: Donna?
[Donna comes up to Tom and kisses him on the mouth]
Leslie Knope: Every time I want you to shut up from now on.
Andy Dwyer: What's this?
Chris Traeger: Dragonfruit.
Chris Traeger: What's this?
Chris Traeger: Horned melon.
Andy Dwyer: What's this?
Chris Traeger: A peach.
Andy Dwyer: I knew that.
Leslie Knope: I don't know if the online thing is for me. I prefer to meet people in person. It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal: do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like, but is it perfect? Or, do you give it up for what's behind door number two?
Leslie Knope: I think I like what I have.