Inspector: All right. Good news: Think we'll be out of here early.
Ted Mosby: Really?
Inspector: Yeah. I finished downstairs and the outside. Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage, the broken furnace, the rotted floor boards. Hey, look at that- no termites.
Ted Mosby: Oh!
Inspector: The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen which is fine - but the trim really clashes with the counter tops. Or, I could just recommend that you do not buy this godforsaken, Guantanamo Bay of a house and suggest that we all get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind blows the whole son-'-bitch down.
Ted Mosby: What if I already bought the "son-'-bitch"?
Inspector: I will check out the upstairs...
[walks out laughing hysterically]
Marshall Eriksen: Did he say he found a hobo?
Ted Mosby: [Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought] How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Marshall Eriksen: Robin told me.
[Gives Ted a beer]
Marshall Eriksen: Happy housewarming.
Ted Mosby: But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
Marshall Eriksen: I know what you said, but
[walks with Ted to steps of patio]
Marshall Eriksen: I also know my friend, Ted Mosby.
Marshall Eriksen: Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Ted Mosby: Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
Marshall Eriksen: That's what I do.
Ted Mosby: Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah.
[they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain his design plans]
Narrator: And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house... is *this* house.
Clint: [Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia] Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted Mosby: Please don't.
Lily Aldrin: To Ted Mosby. Homeowner, friend, and if he can rent it out, slumlord.
Ted Mosby: Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don't make sense at all.
Ted Mosby: This is going to be the home I share with my future wife.
Barney Stinson: Is she in the room with us now, Ted?
Ted Mosby: The auction was yesterday, my bid was accepted and I signed the papers this morning!
Barney Stinson: Was the Blair Witch easy to deal with or did she haggle over closing costs?
Barney Stinson: She's a cougar, Ted!
Robin Scherbatsky: I thought you said you can't be a cougar if you're over 50.
Barney Stinson: She's a Mellencamp.
Lily Aldrin: We all have to live with the mistakes we make, but how often do you get to bash the living hell out of them?