Moe Szyslak: [Jumping to try to kiss Katy Perry] I guess I'll just have to kiss your belly button.
[Kisses her midsection]
Katy Perry: That's not my belly button. I didn't say stop.
Marge Simpson: This tree reminds me of your father. It's round in the middle, thinning on top, and your hands are sticky when you touch it.
Martha Claus: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart Simpson: I can't think of a better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
[Martha puts poker stands on Bart's and Milhouse's heads, then wraps red tape around their bodies]
Milhouse Van Houten: I don't think I like where this is going.
Martha Claus: [Wraps tape over Milhouse's and Bart's mouths] I don't think anyone asked your opinion.
Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: I got a visit from three Christmas spirits.
Abe Simpson: [on a balcony with Jasper] I wish this show got a visit from three new writers.
[He and Jasper laugh]
Abe Simpson: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
Jasper: The Simpsons?
Abe Simpson: No, Christmas.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I thought you didn't want a Christmas tree.
Lisa Simpson: I didn't at first, but this tree is to remind us of mom. It serves as a reminder that someday this war will be over.
Homer Simpson: And someday TV will be invented, and it will be free, at first.
Lisa Simpson: Until then, this tree will stand for mom and everything she stands for: hope, family, and sweeping up dried needles.
Mr. Burns: You lied to me. Release the hounds.
[Dogs bark at a distance]
Mr. Burns: They'll be here any minute now.
[a sock puppet dog appears]
Sock Puppet Dog: We, uh, spent all the money on Katy Perry.
Katy Perry: Aw, looks like someone needs a hug.
[Hugs and kisses Mr. Burns]
Mr. Burns: I kissed a girl, and I liked it.
Bart Simpson: Isn't this the busy season? Where are the other elves?
Milhouse Van Houten: Laid off.
Nelson Muntz: Ever since NAFTA, all the jobs have been going to the South Pole.
Agnes Skinner: How come you're not off fighting like a real man?
Homer Simpson: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.
Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure if something happened to your mother, they would have told us.
Pimple-faced Teen: Telegram!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Homer Simpson: "Marge Simpson is now MIA"? Oh, no! She changed her name to Mia!
Pimple-faced Teen: No, that means she's missing in action.
Lisa Simpson: See? Everytime we get a tree, something bad happens.
Homer Simpson: I wish it were me instead of her!
Pimple-faced Teen: There's still time. The recruitment office is right...
Homer Simpson: Shut up.