Finn Hudson: Okay, Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm gonna break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.
Santana Lopez: [Weeping at Sam] You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit, just admit it! No, kiss me!
Finn Hudson: Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the angry girl drunks.
Quinn Fabray: [Yelling at Puck] I can't believe what you did to my body! I use to have abs!
Lauren Zizes: Who told you that hairstyle is cool? Geronimo?
Finn Hudson: Brittany, also known as the girl who turns into a stripper drunk. Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks and then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now, you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey, it's not cool.
Brittany Pierce: [after puking on Rachel at the assembly] Everybody drink responsibly.
Rachel Berry: Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna... Rock. Your. World.
Rachel Berry: Mr. Schue? First of all that vest is very cute; you are all kinds of awesome.
Blaine Anderson: I didn't drink that much.
Kurt Hummel: Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.
Rachel Berry: [to Blaine] You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants.
Burt Hummel: I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.
Finn Hudson: [interrupts in the middle of Rachel's song] Eh... Hold on! Hold on. Is this song about your headband?
Rachel Berry: Yes. It's called "My Headband".
Finn Hudson: Right.
Rachel Berry: They say you should write about what you know.
Finn Hudson: Well, it's really... interesting! But it's not... emotional. Or, like... good.
Rachel Berry: It sucks.
Finn Hudson: Yeah.
Principal Figgins: And now, performing the hit single, Tik and also Tok, by rapper Ke-dollar sign-Ha.
Kurt Hummel: Are you not drinking?
Finn Hudson: No, designated driver. What about you?
Kurt Hummel: I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get to sloppy.
Blaine Anderson: [dances wildly in background]
Kurt Hummel: Clearly, he doesn't have the same concern.
Blaine Anderson: [walks up and hangs on Finn] Hey, hey, it's so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Right? Brothers! Wow! You're so tall.
Kurt Hummel: You having fun Blaine?
Blaine Anderson: Yeah, it's the BEST PARTY EVER!
Kurt Hummel: Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.
Rachel Berry: Thanks for helping with the party clean up, especially since you didn't even drink.
Kurt Hummel: I was in the neighborhood.
Rachel Berry: At 10 o'clock? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, that was tonight?
Rachel Berry: Look, we're friends, so I'm gonna be honest with you... the date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters.
Kurt Hummel: [Sarcastically] That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?
Rachel Berry: No, or lips spent the evening mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue. Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but I guess the timing just wasn't right.
Kurt Hummel: Or the blood alcohol level.
Rachel Berry: Look, I know that you have feelings for him and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted and if he turns out not to be gay, well then, I guess I will have done you a favor.
Kurt Hummel: And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.
Rachel Berry: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt Hummel: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger. I don't dispute that, but there's something that you and Blaine will never have and that's chemistry.
Rachel Berry: Fine. Then I'm gonna prove you wrong. I'm gonna take the beer goggles off and I'm gonna kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there, then I am taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie.
Will Schuester: [Drunk dialing Emma] Hey there sexy lady. There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers and come over here and it'll be just one night of let's just get crazy, just get crazy ,getting' really crazy, rollin' round in the hay. Hay... I was just in some hay earlier tonight and hey, I rode a bull. I was thinking of you.
Santana Lopez: [Talking to Mr. Schue] Oh, you're one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-Ton?
Rachel Berry: So you said he comes this way at 3:30?
Kurt Hummel: Like clockwork for his post rehearsal medium drip.
Rachel Berry: I just can't wait to lay one on him.
Kurt Hummel: I've got a bad feeling about this Rachel. I mean, I don't mean to be so cold, but I don't want you to get hurt either. There's no victory in this for me either way.
Rachel Berry: Who cares about you buddy, I may get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future give me vaguely Eurasian looking children.
Kurt Hummel: There he is
Blaine Anderson: [walks in to the coffee shop]
Kurt Hummel: dreamy as ever.
Rachel Berry: Okay, wish me luck.
Rachel Berry: [Gets up and walks over to Blaine]
Blaine Anderson: Hey Rachel, what's going on?
[Rachel quickly kisses Blaine. He stares at Rachel blankly]
Blaine Anderson: Huh, yep, I'm gay. 100% gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me Rachel. Listen, save my space in line, will ya? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Kurt Hummel: [Walks up to Rachel] That was hard wasn't it?
Rachel Berry: Are you kidding? That was amazing, I'm speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold. Okay, I have to go compose, but thank you. Thank you!
Kurt Hummel: [Stands there watching her leave in stunned silence]
Rachel Berry: Welcome! Kurt, Blaine... Wasn't expecting you guys.
Finn Hudson: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. Kind of insisted on coming.