Emma Pillsbury: Let me guess. Finn and Rachel are going to do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note.
Will Schuester: Have you been going through my desk?
Emma Pillsbury: It's what you always do.
Brittany Pierce: I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since 2nd period. I really really have to pee.
Emma Pillsbury: [Will hands her a pair of tickets] House seats to sectionals?
Will Schuester: Those things are hard to come by. Scalpers are getting, like, five bucks for 'em.
Will Schuester: Two things. First, our competition at sectionals are your classic stool choirs. Great voices, but they don't move. Now, if we're gonna beat them, we need to do what they can't: dance. Which is why I've decided to feature Brittany and Mike Chang's sweet moves in our performance.
Rachel Berry: Wait, they're gonna dance in front of me while I sing my solo?
Will Schuester: You're not getting a solo for this competition, Rachel.
Mercedes Jones: Finally. So what song do I get to sing?
Will Schuester: I was thinking that the winners of our duets competition would take the leads.
Rachel Berry: Ken and Barbie? Wait, a-a-are you trying to throw this?
Quinn Fabray: You used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth.
Will Schuester: Okay, listen, I have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but frankly, I haven't walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I'm gonna highlight it.
Finn Hudson: Look, I'm all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out before the big game.
Rachel Berry: Yep.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Easy to say when you're the star quarterback.
Finn Hudson: This isn't just about me. This is about the team.
Santana Lopez: You are such a hypocrite.
Rachel Berry: Oh, like you even know what that means.
Santana Lopez: It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit.
Rachel Berry: [learning Finn once slept with Santana] Just tell me if it's true.
Finn Hudson: I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you the truth, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kind of scary.
Rachel Berry: Don't you see how it's ten times worse now? And why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma Pillsbury: Don't answer that.
Rachel Berry: My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other.
Emma Pillsbury: Okay.
Rachel Berry: We need your help. That's why I set up this counseling session.
Emma Pillsbury: You're both in Glee. Why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs.
Emma Pillsbury: Why did you lie to Rachel?
Finn Hudson: I didn't want to hurt her.
Rachel Berry: Then why did you do it with her?
Finn Hudson: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't...
Rachel Berry: Was it because she's hot?
Finn Hudson: Yeah, sure, she's super hot, but, um, that's...
[he sees Emma nonverbally telling him "no" and trails off]
Rachel Berry: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?
Emma Pillsbury: Well, I'm not a therapist, but no. Um... maybe you should storm out.
Rachel Berry: Yeah.
[with a contemptable look, she storms out, leaving Finn alone]
Emma Pillsbury: Is there anything else you want to talk about?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: All I can say is I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I wasn't alone.
Will Schuester: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that, because if I did, I'd be down to ten glee club members, which as you probably remember from the rule book is two less what we need to compete at sectionals.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I'm not big on reading rule books. Well, I'm not big on reading.
Will Schuester: Kurt's gone, and he's never coming back. We need a twelfth member. Now, I always go to Rachel and Finn in these situations, but you might be the most well-known kid in this entire school.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: There's a method to my madness.
Will Schuester: I want you to use that madness to recruit a new member. Glee needs you to be its ambassador.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: More like its am-bad-ass-ador.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: All right, listen up.
Azimio: You gonna light your farts on fire again? Because I'm a major fan.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I want to talk to you guys. About Bruce Springsteen.
Dave Karofsky: Is this going somewhere?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Don't push me, Karofsky. You forced my boy Kurt out of here, and juvie or no, you're already my number one on my list to go all Death Star on.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Glee Club is cool.
Dave Karofsky: Glee Club is most definitely not cool.
Azimio: Clearly we need to reinstate the 10:00 a.m. slushie.
Will Schuester: [Rachel enters the choir room with duct tape over her mouth] Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel Berry: [removing the tape] I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting.
[she replaces it, then removes it again]
Rachel Berry: My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: You okay?
Rachel Berry: Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Look, after six hours in that Port-A-John, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it to just Jews.
Rachel Berry: It's Finn.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me.
Rachel Berry: [he leads her down the hall arm in arm] Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: It's the steroids.
Tina Cohen-Chang: We have a big problem.
Artie Abrams: Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.
Kurt Hummel: I've been invited to audition for a solo.
Rachel Berry: Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now.
Kurt Hummel: Because even though we hate each other, we've had our moments, and I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.
Rachel Berry: Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I'll give you a couple tips. So, what did you, uh, have in mind?
Kurt Hummel: I've settled on Celine Dion's classic "My Heart Will Go On".
Rachel Berry: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Kurt Hummel: No?
Rachel Berry: Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?
Kurt Hummel: No.
Rachel Berry: I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets.
Kurt Hummel: That's insane.
Rachel Berry: Clearly no one in the Glee Club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am but it being too late?
Rachel Berry: When we first started Glee Club, I told Mr. Schuester that being part of something special makes you special, and I don't know, I just... I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But winning that way at sectionals... it really reminded me of it.
Finn Hudson: Are we a part of something special, you and me?
Rachel Berry: Yes.
Finn Hudson: I love you.
Finn Hudson: No more lying, ever.
Rachel Berry: Last week, when... when we were fighting, I was... I was so mad at you and I... I was... I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt.
[flashback to her making out with Puck]
Rachel Berry: [Puck stops] Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I did this to Finn once before. I... I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go.
[return to real time]
Rachel Berry: I'm so sorry, and... and it will never, ever happen again.
Finn Hudson: I knew you were a lot of things, Rachel, and I loved you because and in spite of all of them, but... I never thought you were mean.
Rachel Berry: I'm saying that I'm sorry. And doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?
Finn Hudson: We weren't together. I didn't cheat on you. How could you do this to me?
Rachel Berry: It was a mistake. Well, maybe we should go to another counseling sessions with Ms. Pillsbury.
Finn Hudson: Can't have couples counseling if you're not a couple.
Rachel Berry: You're breaking up with me?
Finn Hudson: What you did was really bad, Rachel. And you knew how sensitive I'd be about this after what happened with Quinn.
Rachel Berry: You said you'd *never* break up with me.
Finn Hudson: I never thought you'd make me feel like this.
Artie Abrams: Just tell me why you would cheat on me.
Brittany Pierce: I don't know. Why would I cheat on you? Is this, like, a Mad Lib or something?
Artie Abrams: You cheated on me with Mike. You admitted it to me in the green room.
Brittany Pierce: When?
Artie Abrams: When I was accusing you of adultery.
Brittany Pierce: What does that have to do with me cheating?
Artie Abrams: Adultery means cheating.
Brittany Pierce: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt. I didn't cheat on you. I did something much worse. I lost your magic comb. I don't know what happened. I had it in my pocket. And then I went to motocross practice, and then when I left, it was gone. That's why I've been avoiding you. I was so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance of winning, the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn't want to let you down, Artie.
Artie Abrams: That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.
Brittany Pierce: And you let me comb my hair with it?
Rachel Berry: You told Kurt?
Finn Hudson: I don't remember. Maybe.
Mercedes Jones: About Finn and Santana? No, I think I told him.
Rachel Berry: Who told you?
Quinn Fabray: Me. I think Brittany told me. Or maybe it was Puck.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Yeah, it was me.
Rachel Berry: Everybody knew about this but me?
Tina Cohen-Chang: Pretty much.
Santana Lopez: Nobody tells you anything because "A", you're a blabber mouth, and "B", we all just pretend to like you.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That's not true. I kind of like her.
Finn Hudson: Look, Rachel, when all this happened, you were dating another guy, so you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine, I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all.
Rachel Berry: Oh, who are you right now?
Lauren Zizes: Best green room ever.
Rachel Berry: [fighting with Finn] You know what? You guys are going to have to find somebody else to mindlessly harmonize in the background, because I'm not going on stage with him.
Artie Abrams: Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittany.
Tina Cohen-Chang: Me, either.
Will Schuester: Enough! Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room. No set list, no choreography. No chance in hell of winning, but you did win. Because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes, remind yourselves that you're not alone.
Rachel Berry: Hey, uh, did you get your solo?
Kurt Hummel: Sadly, no.
Rachel Berry: Oh, wow, if you didn't a solo, then they must be really good. We are doomed. Sorry, that was selfish. What I meant to say was "Wow, that... that really sucks. I'm... I'm sure you were really good."
Kurt Hummel: I was. I mean, I think I was. Being in the Warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.
Rachel Berry: Yeah. What has become of us, Kurt? So, do you miss us?
Kurt Hummel: I do. Being a Warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down.
Rachel Berry: It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore, and we all get it.
Kurt Hummel: How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?
Rachel Berry: Because you were my only real competition.
Kurt Hummel: So, how's Finn? I feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since the wedding.
Rachel Berry: I haven't really talked to him much, either. I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it.
Kurt Hummel: Wait, you didn't know about that?
Kurt Hummel: [after his solo audition] Any sage advice?
Blaine Anderson: Don't try so hard next time.
Kurt Hummel: I didn't realize that caring was frowned upon.
Blaine Anderson: I don't know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's about being part of the team.
Kurt Hummel: I guess I'm just used to having to scream to get noticed.
Blaine Anderson: You're not going to make it as a Warbler if all you care about is getting noticed.
Kurt Hummel: You're right. I'm sorry.
Blaine Anderson: I know it's going to take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough. I promise.
Will Schuester: I'm tired of this, Rachel. You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore.
Rachel Berry: Well, I'm upset! I'm furious about this! About a couple of things, actually.
Will Schuester: Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you know, you could also make the choice to be happy that we're a part of a glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There's an awful lot of "me" talk going around. "What's in it for me?", "What solo am I gonna sing?". Now, when we go to sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the Hipsters, we'll cheer on Kurt and the Warblers. And if they win, we will congratulate them. Because that's who we are.
Santana Lopez: Where's Puck? I haven't seen him since yesterday, and I need him to get me a churro.
Mercedes Jones: My guess is he'd rather quit Glee Club than lose sectionals, and I can't blame him. Our set's gonna be real light on the Mercedes.
Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm telling you, if the Warblers win sectionals, it's only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap.
Brittany Pierce: If we lose, we should throw possums.
Artie Abrams: What are you afraid of? You're gonna be featured at sectionals. You should be happy.
Brittany Pierce: I can't handle the pressure. I know I'm more talented than all of you; Britney Spears taught me that. It's just, I can't have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.
Artie Abrams: B-but we all know you can do it.
Brittany Pierce: And I know that I can't. Just like I know that cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.
Will Schuester: Every team tries to showcase their strongest players.
Emma Pillsbury: Look, just seeing your kids do the "Rocky Horror" thing really reminded me of how much talent you've got in Glee Club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. Look, I'm sure that you know what you're doing; I'm not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favorites for sectionals, you won your sectional last year. It's just, I don't know, you guys used to be the underdogs. Now you're a real team, which is wonderful. You're a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright.
[realizing she's overstepped]
Emma Pillsbury: I've said too much.
Will Schuester: No. You said just enough.