Top Gear (2002– )
Richard Hammond: [Talking about the Ford GT's poor fuel economy and the fact that Jeremy is getting one] And actually, 17 and a half gallon tank. 4... 4 miles to the gallon, how far does that mean you will be able to go in your car before you ran out of petrol?
Jeremy Clarkson: 75 miles.
Richard Hammond: 75 miles?
Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah.
Richard Hammond: Well, how far then do you live, for instance, from the Top Gear office?
Jeremy Clarkson: 76 miles.
James May: [while driving a Bugatti Veyron over 240 mph] It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired. He's slower than me!
Jeremy Clarkson: For me, the best supercar is the Ford GT. I like it so much, I actually bought this one twice.
Richard Hammond: You bought it twice because it kept breaking down and you sent it back!
James May: What's the point. You can't powerslide lorries anyway.
Richard Hammond: Technically, you can't powerslide anything.
[after Richard and James just tested the "Cottage S-Class", a Mercedes S-Class Jeremy has modified to look like the inside of his house including a concrete floor with wood paneling, and indoor chairs]
Jeremy Clarkson: This is the safest car in the world.
Richard Hammond: I've got a scar!
James May: I've got bruised ribs and a badly barked shin!
Jeremy Clarkson: Listen. You see these endless crash test footage of cars being thumped into concrete blocks and the concrete blocks are never damaged. This is a concrete block!
James May: I would very happily drive this into a concrete block. Turning around on some corners was really dangerous!
Richard Hammond: And another thing. Why did you polish the wooden floor? I was all woo -
[imitates sliding action]
Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The brilliance of this car is that you're never going fast enough to properly hurt yourself!
Richard Hammond: You're never going fast enough to get where you're going!
James May: Yeah, zero to sixty in, what was it, forty-five seconds.
Jeremy Clarkson: How safe is that?
Richard Hammond: Have you ever been in a dining room going sixty miles an hour?
James May: Do you want me to show what it feels like to get hit in the back of the head with a wingback chair?
Jeremy Clarkson: Look! The problem is taste, okay.
[points to Richard]
Jeremy Clarkson: If we built a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it!
[points to James]
Jeremy Clarkson: And you. Your house is just full of pictures of the Queen.
Richard Hammond: [referring to the failed Reliant Robin shuttle launch] To be fair, it was only one bolt that let us down.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was only one iceberg that sank the Titanic!
Jeremy Clarkson: If this were America, it would be full of people doing... whatever it is they do. Incest, mostly, I think.
Jeremy Clarkson: [on the Corvette Z06] ... as something to live with every day, I'd rather have bird flu.
Jeremy Clarkson: [while playing the video game Gran Turismo] Aston Martin DB9, that's not a racecar, that's pornography.
[repeated line, usually spoken before an experiment that goes spectacularly wrong]
Jeremy Clarkson: How hard can it be?
Richard Hammond: Now, earlier the three of us have use our extensive knowledge of lorrying to buy HGVs and it wasn't going well. Especially for Jeremy, who ended up with a gear lever in his bottom and his truck on fire.
[repeated line when a problem becomes persistent]
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, for God's sake!
Jeremy Clarkson: Anyway, first award is injury of the year. The nominations are Richard in our "headhammer thrust i-eagle geoff".
[Show a scene where the boys do a crash test on their own electric car which was built by themselves]
James May: Jeremy making paintball art.
[a scene where Jeremy is being shot at his balls by a paintball which was being fired from the exhaust of an F1 car]
Richard Hammond: And James on a gang plank in Bolivia.
[a scene where James trip on a plank hurting his balls as he was walking on the plank that leads to the boat]
Jeremy Clarkson: Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
Richard Hammond: I am not moonlighting as the editor of a gay magazine!
Richard Hammond: [when test driving a Bowler Wildcat] I am a driving god!
Richard Hammond: [talking about the Ford GT] How much time have you spent in petrol stations on the way here?
Jeremy Clarkson: Look, the fact of the matter is, Richard, I prefer to spend my money on petrol than on teeth whitening.
Richard Hammond: I have not had my teeth whitened!
Jeremy Clarkson: [while driving McClaren SLR into the Eurotunnel train] I wonder what's the fastest anyone's ever driven inside the Eurotunnel.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Drives faster] NO. No no no. Grow up.
Richard Hammond: [announcing the Top Gear 2008 Awards in December 2008] Right, this is the award for the best noise we've heard all year. These are the nominations. The V8 bellow of the new Mercedes CLK Black, The V8 bellow of the Ferrari Scuderia and the V8 bellow of the Alfa Romeo 8C. Well, the winner of this category. The winner, you are gonna love this, Jeremy.
Jeremy Clarkson: Is it the Black?
Richard Hammond: No. Actually, the winner is, Will Young's new single!
[Will Young's new single played]
Jeremy Clarkson: [about Ferrari Enzo] Ferrari is so pleased with it, they've named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That'd be the same as Lotus calling their next car... "The Colin".
Jeremy Clarkson: [about Ford GT40] Was this the greatest hypercar of them all ? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.
Jeremy Clarkson: [about TVR Tuscan 2] It's supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked?
Jeremy Clarkson: Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn't.
Jeremy Clarkson: We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.
Jeremy Clarkson: [about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.
Jeremy Clarkson: [repeated pattern of introducing the Power Lap segment] Now it is time to see how fast this car goes round our track, and that, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver. Some say that
[absurd fact #1]
Jeremy Clarkson: . Or that
[absurd fact #2]
Jeremy Clarkson: . All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy Clarkson: [When driving the McLaren Mercedes SLR through a tunnel] When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said "Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!" They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Inside Hammond's CamperBoat] This is actually quite cosy.
Richard Hammond: Oh yeah, has all the comforts of a houseboat.
Jeremy Clarkson: [pair start reading magazines] Did you see the titles of these?
Richard Hammond: No... well i went for those that have a houseboat feel to them.
Jeremy Clarkson: [Shows Hammond the title of the mag he picked up "Gay Times"] So why this then?
Richard Hammond: [discussing Sabine's Schmitz drive round Nurburgring] Don't forget, she was only half a second a mile behind you, and she was in this van.
Jeremy Clarkson: I think we should explain. The Nurburgring, as I'm sure some of you know, is sort of open the whole time. You can pay five pounds to go on a lap, so there were other cars out there as well.
Richard Hammond: It was just an ordinary day, and you saw them. There were guys in their Porsches, "Look at me in my Porsche, ha ha!" and they were overtaken by a van. Driven by a girl!
Jeremy Clarkson: [announcing the Top Gear 2005 Awards in December 2005] Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch.
[referring to the then-recent gas explosion in Hertfordshire]
Jeremy Clarkson: That Zonda, really! It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.
Jeremy Clarkson: So, the BMW M6. How would it stack up to the Aston I drove earlier? There is a lot to not like about the BMW. The grotesque carbon-fibre dashboard, the enormous steering wheel and the fact that this one is the colour of a vet's forearm.
Jeremy Clarkson: [while watching Terry Wogan do his lap] I've never been so bored in my life!
Richard Hammond: [announcing the nominees for the Weirdest Renault] Ok, Weirdest Renault of the year. The nominees are as follows: The Velsatis. It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. The Megane, a family car, but only if your family is the Osbournes. And the Avantime, it is a sporty coupe but only if you don't want a car of that sporty or a coupe.
Jeremy Clarkson: [about Ferrari Enzo] I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."
Jeremy Clarkson: [about Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the Venturi tunnels!
James May: [about Honda S2000] He's not sure whether he's driving, or in a branch of Dixons.
Jeremy Clarkson: [about TVR Tuscan 2] You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon's backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says its too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone's tried to mend their own shoes.
Jeremy Clarkson: [when talking with Davina McCall about her car] It's pouring down with rain because not enough people have Range Rovers.
Jeremy Clarkson: [peering into the engine bay on the Lotus Exige] To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you've got chicken wire, bakofoil and tupperware. It's kind of like peering into one of your grannies' old kitchen cabinets.
Trevor Eve: [pointing away from the studio] Outside in the car park, owned by Jeremy, is a Mercades SKL shopping trolley!
Richard Hammond: [after the sport coupe on the Isle of Man item] Don't say anything! Do not say a word - you lost!
James May: [looking through the survey results] I've just noticed, looking though these results, that ten of the thirteen bottom cars are French.
Jeremy Clarkson: That's possibly why they're burning them in Paris at the moment!
James May: I think they're just catching fire by themselves!