Misha Collins: [to Sam and Dean] You guys! You really punked me! I'm totally gonna tweet this one. "Hola, Misha-migos. J-Squared got me good. Really starting to feel like one of the guys."
Make-Up Girl #1: Jensen, there you are! Let's just get you in the chair.
Dean Winchester: The chair?
Make-Up Girl #1: We're just gonna get this make-up off your face.
Dean Winchester: What?
Dean Winchester: I'm not wearing any make...
[Dean sees make-up on the cloth]
Dean Winchester: Oh, crap!
[runs hand down his cheek]
Dean Winchester: I'm a painted whore.
Dean Winchester: These are words in a script! This isn't Cas!
Misha Collins: You guys wanna run lines or...?
Dean Winchester: His name's Misha! Misha?
Sam Winchester: Oh, wow!
Dean Winchester: Misha? Jensen? What's up with the names around here?
Sam Winchester: [looks at an RV trailer] Hey. J. Ackles.
Dean Winchester: That's fake me.
Sam Winchester: Yeah.
Dean Winchester: This must be fake mine.
Dean Winchester: [to Sam] Wait... you and Ruby?
Genevieve Cortese: Do you *honestly* think that's funny, Jensen?
Dean Winchester: Right. Right. Because you're not... Ruby. You... I mean, how could you be? You... of course! You are the *lovely* actress who plays Ruby. And you... are in... Jared's house, um, because you two are...
[Jensen spots Jared and Genevieve's wedding photo]
Dean Winchester: Married! You *married* fake Ruby?
Dean Winchester: [to Sam] Dude, you have a camel in your backyard.
Genevieve Cortese: It's an alpaca, dumbass.
Sam Winchester: So, now, uh, what's the deal with all this TV crap?
Misha Collins: Pardon?
Dean Winchester: Yeah. Amen, Padaleski.
Sam Winchester: Uh, "Lecki."
Dean Winchester: What?
Sam Winchester: Lecki. Pretty sure.
Sam Winchester: [to Robert Singer] Wait, your kidding. So, the character in the show, Bobby Singer...
Dean Winchester: What kind of douchebag names a character after himself?
Sam Winchester: Oh, that's not right.
Dean Winchester: Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from Heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. So breaker, breaker.
Sam Winchester: For whatever reason, our life is a TV show.
Dean Winchester: Why?
Sam Winchester: I don't know.
Dean Winchester: No, seriously. Why? Why would anybody want to watch our lives?
Sam Winchester: Well, according to the interviewer, not very many people do. Look, I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying we - we've landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and I'm something called a "Jared Padalecki."
Dean Winchester: So what, now you're Polish? Is any of this make any sense to you?
Sam Winchester: [reading the episode script] Who wrote this? No one says "penultimate."
Dean Winchester: Gun, mouth, now.
Dean Winchester: Maybe we can't get out of, you know, Earth Number Two right now. But the least we can get do is get the hell out of the Canadian part of it. If I hear one more conversation about hockey, I'm gonna puke.
Dean Winchester: Where the hell are we anyway?
[they pass a Vancouver highway sign]
Dean Winchester: We're not even in America.
Kevin Parks: Gets us right up to where they... just before they hit the window.
Robert Singer: You know, the part where they hit the window was the good part.
Kevin Parks: Well, we can clean up, reset the window, takes about 95 minutes, basically, so we'd have to blow off the scene where they sit on the Impala and talk about their feelings.
Robert Singer: Ha, right! You answer the hate mail.
Eric Kripke: Bob, dude, what the hell, right?
Robert Singer: Eric, thanks for coming.
Eric Kripke: Of course.
Robert Singer: I know you're busy. It means a lot that we can still, you know, call on you.
Eric Kripke: I know. Misha, right?
Robert Singer: Oh, I know, I know. it's just awful.
Eric Kripke: Totally. Totally awful, yeah. Hey, it got us the front page of Variety, though, did you see that?
Robert Singer: Front page. Really?
Eric Kripke: Yeah.
Robert Singer: But tragic.
Eric Kripke: Yeah, tragic, that's what I was going to say.
Sam Winchester: [looks at a tanning bed] What am I, Dracula?
Dean Winchester: George Hamilton Dracula.
Sera Gamble: I'm trying to understand, Bob.
Robert Singer: Well, uh, Sera, we don't really understand it ourselves. But it appears that Jared and Jensen were seen beating an extra to death.
Sera Gamble: Huh.
Jim Michaels: This is Jim here, Sera, and it wasn't all the way to death. Only partway, so that's a plus.
Kevin Parks: He could definitely still run.
Dean Winchester: What is all this, huh? W-What did Balthazar do to us?
Misha Collins: [as Castiel] To keep you out of Virgil's reach, he's cast you into an alternate-reality, a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others.
Dean Winchester: Like - Like Bizarro Earth, right? Except instead of having Bizarro Superman, we get this clown factory.
Virgil: How do you do it? Live in this bloody shallow desert. Nothing greater than yourselves? Nothing but dirt when you die. No power, no magic.
Misha Collins: I'm not following you at all.
Virgil: There's no magic in the universe.
Misha Collins: I'm sorry! Please...
Virgil: Nothing but a bag of strings and pulleys.
Misha Collins: What?
Virgil: You should thank me for what I'm about to do.
Dean Winchester: Dude, I have a helicopter.
Sam Winchester: Whoa. All right, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?
Dean Winchester: Apparently, Jensen Ackles.
Robert Singer: Guys. You can't come to work on poppers. And smuggle kidneys in from Mexico. And make up your own lines as you go. You cannot make up your own lines. Good God, what about your careers?
Sam Winchester: You know what? Screw our careers, Bob.
Robert Singer: What?
Dean Winchester: You heard my brother. That's right, I said brother. Because you know what, Bob? We're not actors. We're hunters. We're the Winchesters. Always have been and always will be. And where we're from, people don't know who we are. But you know what? We matter to that world. We even saved the son of a bitch once or twice. And yeah, okay, here, maybe there's some fans who give a crap about this nonsense.
Robert Singer: I wouldn't call it "nonsense."
Dean Winchester: But, Bob Singer... if that even is your name... tell me this. What does it all mean?
Robert Singer: Okay. This is good. I mean, we've all had our psychotic breaks, right? I can work with it.
Sam Winchester: Dean. Virgil. I think he has the key.
Dean Winchester: We quit.
Sam Winchester: Yeah.