- Cameron Tucker: [holding up two pairs of clown shoes] Okay, gun to your head, which pair should I wear?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, gun to my head? I'd say... pull the trigger.
- Robbie Sullivan: Yeah, well, I'd better get going. I've got an early morning run, celebrity client. Don't ask me who - let's just say that if I'm late, I'll be in 'Jeopardy'.
- Alex Dunphy: [excited] Who is Alex Trebek?
- Robbie Sullivan: Uh, he's a game show host. Why?
- Alex Dunphy: No reason.
- Phil Dunphy: Now, we all know when Nana DeDe comes to visit, your mom can get a little...
- Haley Dunphy: Psycho?
- Luke Dunphy: Scary?
- Alex Dunphy: Drunk?
- Phil Dunphy: All true.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Growling for her storybook voice] I don't want to eat the fish! They are my friends!
- Jay Pritchett: What kind of voice is that?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I am a bear.
- Jay Pritchett: A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.
- Claire Dunphy: So, where is she? Where's Mom?
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I thought she was coming with you.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, no, no. I haven't seen Mom since, let's see... oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.
- Jay Pritchett: What?
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, my God!
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah, yeah. And then she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep. And then this morning, left a cute little note that said 'Having breakfast with Robbie'.
- Jay Pritchett: What the hell is she doing? He's half her age.
- [Mitchell and Claire stare at him and Gloria]
- Jay Pritchett: Don't say it.
- DeDe Pritchett: Sweetheart, I don't know about you, but that is not the way I was raised.
- Claire Dunphy: You raised me!
- Phil Dunphy: Halfway through dinner, I told Claire that whenever she had the urge to lash out at her mother, she should just squeeze my hand instead. A doctor had to cut off my wedding ring.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Claire starts to yell at Dede at the party] Claire, Claire! Not now. Not now. Not now. No, stop please!
- Claire Dunphy: She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her!
- Mitchell Pritchett: ... okay fine, but make it quick.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [about Claire's old boyfriend Robbie] You know, I never liked that guy. He used to always put me in a headlock. It is amazing the freaks we used to date.
- Cameron Tucker: [comes in wearing a jester costume] Ello, Guv'nor!
- Mitchell Pritchett: God, look at this place. Everybody's traumatized. We need somebody to pump some life back into this party.
- Cameron Tucker: I got this. I'll go in and turn on some music, bring out the cupcakes, pump up the bubble machine.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Or...
- Cameron Tucker: Is that a roundabout way of saying a certain clown can come to the party?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I was wrong. Every kid wants a clown for a dad.
- Cameron Tucker: [Chirpy] Ih! You just made a little girl very happy!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yes, well I can see that.
- Haley Dunphy: Ew, ew! Dad, gross! Your hand smells like cheese.
- Phil Dunphy: I didn't want to dirty a knife.
- Cameron Tucker: I don't know. I think the whole idea of needing a prince to come along and make you happy sends the wrong message, Mitchell, I really do.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Really? And a grown man pulling boxers out of his mouth doesn't?