- Luke Dunphy: What were they doing?
- Alex Dunphy: Nothing!
- Luke Dunphy: Whatever it was, it looked like Dad was winning.
- Haley Dunphy: 'It'! They were doing 'it'!
- Alex Dunphy: He has no idea what you're talking about!
- Luke Dunphy: Sex?
- Haley Dunphy: Yes!
- Luke Dunphy: I know what sex is, Alex. It's when a man and a woman take off their underpants and then get into the bed...
- Alex Dunphy: Stop talking!
- Luke Dunphy: Did you guys notice that Dad had the same look on his face as when he smells a new car?
- Phil Dunphy: Maybe they didn't see anything.
- Claire Dunphy: Sweetie, they-they screamed, they dropped a tray of dishes and they ran out of here like they were on fire.
- Phil Dunphy: You were on fire, lady.
- Claire Dunphy: Really? You're still going?
- Phil Dunphy: Well, forgive me for thinking your zesty performance deserved some praise.
- Mitchell Pritchett: They can take us at 5:15...
- Cameron Tucker: What are we, 80?
- Mitchell Pritchett: ...or 10:45.
- Cameron Tucker: What are we, 20?
- Claire Dunphy: Wow, Dad. So you just got done giving me a lecture on the importance of locking my bedroom door... while in my house to retrieve naked pictures your wife accidentally sent me.
- Jay Pritchett: The irony is just occuring to me.
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, well. We tried. Vegas, here we come!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Turn... around... the car!
- Jay Pritchett: ... only 'cause I want to.
- Cameron Tucker: This is a beautiful home. I love the throwback to the '60s.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Although if this was the '60s, we'd be a couple of 'confirmed bachelors', and Lily would be a Yorkie.
- Amelia: [laughs] And I'd still be trapped in a loveless marriage.