Jay Pritchett: I am always on time. It's easy for me, 'cause I'm organized. Not my wife. You think growing up in a place full of death squads and drunk uncles she'd learn to run faster.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Runs in and sits down] Sorry! Sorry! I couldn't find my earring. So, what were we talking about?
Manny Delgado: It says in the box that this is for ages sixteen and up. Are you sure I should have this?
Jay Pritchett: What do you mean? You were born sixteen.
Cameron Tucker: You cheated on me.
Mitchell Pritchett: How did I cheat on you?
Cameron Tucker: You cheated on me with choreography, and that's the worst kind.
Mitchell Pritchett: How is that the worst...
Cameron Tucker: You danced without me, Mitchell!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Tell me the truth, Jay. Did you put the keys in my bag?
Jay Pritchett: ...No.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I won't be mad.
Jay Pritchett: In order to prove a point, I may have put the keys...
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Punches Jay repeatedly in the arm] I knew it!
Jay Pritchett: Why did I give you such a big watch?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why, Jay? What point were you trying to make?
Jay Pritchett: I just wanted you to be more organized. You can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You are the one whose brains are going to be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!
Jay Pritchett: You should have a system.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I have a system. I put things down and then I remember where I put them.
Jay Pritchett: And that's preferable to, say, putting the keys in the keyholder that just happens to look like a large key?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Stop screaming!
Jay Pritchett: [as Manny mixes two soda drinks together] What are you doing?
Manny Delgado: Turning back the clock.
[while Jay hides Gloria's car keys in her purse, Manny drinks mixed sodas and cringes]
Manny Delgado: That's disgusting!
Jay Pritchett: Don't judge. You're not married. This never happened.
Manny Delgado: What never happened?
Jay Pritchett: That's a good man.
Manny Delgado: Boy! I'm a boy!
Manny Delgado: What did you mean I was born sixteen?
Jay Pritchett: I'm just saying you were never a kid. Which is good, because I hate kids.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How come I do all the looking while you do all the sitting?
Jay Pritchett: Because you do all the losing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You are this close to doing all the sleeping in a tent on the backyard.
Haley Dunphy: [about family camp] I can't go back there. I heard this summer they're having a hoedown.