Tara Gregson: [to Charmaine about their father on her wedding day] You're going to let a man who basically gave you away, give you away?
Tara Gregson: Mom's going to do that thing where she holds up her arms open like she's a warm person.
Charmaine Craine: Max, could you do me a favor and hot-glue gun her lips together?
Lionel: A person who stands for nothing, spends their life sitting down.
Marshall Gregson: Just so you know, I'm tired. I need to sit down sometimes.
Marshall Gregson: My mom went on a trip to meet her molester; and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt.
Frank: [to Tara about her and her half-brother] He wasn't well. You aren't well. Must be my sperm. Oh, 2 out of 3, who knows.
Neil: [to Charmaine] Put on your yoga pants and let's down-dog it to the Cat Five and get shitty.
Lionel: Deep down inside, you believe marriage is for pussies and dicks.
Zach: I would have to say yes.
Tara Gregson: He told me we have a brother.
Charmaine Craine: A brother? Come on.
Tara Gregson: Yes. He said it in a totally disjointed, early Alzheimer's dad-like way, but he said you and your sister have a half-brother and I was married before I met your mom.
Charmaine Craine: Well, let's see. Dad thinks Bob Hope is still alive.
Charmaine Craine: [having found out that she has a half-brother] Is he alive? Where does he live? I date a lot of guys in this state.