Ted Mosby: If you have to seal the deal in just one date, it's got to be one ducy of a date, right? I'm not talking dinner and a movie, I'm not talking minigolf. I'm talking 17 dates of romance wrapped up into one incredible night. I'm talking about a superdate.
Barney Stinson: A superdate?
Ted Mosby: Mhm.
Barney Stinson: That sounds kinda lame. What if we called it a megadate?
Ted Mosby: You want my help, it's a superdate.
Barney Stinson: All right...
Ted Mosby: Leave it to me. I'll plan the whole thing.
Barney Stinson: You're gonna plan the whole thing? I'll bet it'll be all gooey and romantic.
Ted Mosby: Gooey and romantic? Gooey and romantic? Barney...
[Ted breaks out in song]
Ted Mosby: You don't have to take her to Paris or Peru.
Barney Stinson: Uh, Ted? What are you doing?
Ted Mosby: [still singing] You just have to make her understand...
Barney Stinson: Ted, people are looking at us.
Ted Mosby: ...what she means to you.
Barney Stinson: Oh, really? Are you really gonna do this right now?
Ted Mosby: On your superdate... Troubles of the world will simply have to wait, for wonders and amazement served upon her silver plate. Hurry up, now don't be late. 'Cause hand in hand you'll find the land where paradise awaits... And then, boom! Fireworks over the Manhattan skyline! You kiss her... And that's your superdate.
Barney Stinson: That sounds gooey and romantic.
Ted Mosby: [dreamily] Yeah...
Barney Stinson: Strip club?
Ted Mosby: Strip club.
Anita Appleby: The book says never sleep with a guy on the first date.
Barney Stinson: Totally.
Anita Appleby: Or the second date.
Barney Stinson: Of course.
Anita Appleby: Or the third date.
Barney Stinson: Well...
Anita Appleby: Or the forth date.
Barney Stinson: Will you just tell me how many dates?
Anita Appleby: Seventeen.
Barney Stinson: [Shocked] SEVENTEEN?
[to a person at the bar about the chair next to them]
Barney Stinson: Excuse me, is anyone using this?
[Barney sits on the chair and faints]
Barney Stinson: [about something the happened the previous night] I couldn't be more unhappy! I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's-it's called manners!
Marshall Eriksen: How could you let me do that - you're my wife.
Lily Aldrin: I know but that song is kind of catchy.
Barney Stinson: Oh no, I am not going to give it up, she is. Thanks to Ted's book...
Ted Mosby: It's Robin's, it's Robin's.
Barney Stinson: I'm going to stay two steps ahead of her - there's a loop hole in here and I'm going to find it.
Lily Aldrin: [to Barney, about him thinking Robin's been fine since they broke up] Of course she is upset - take a look at yourself you dumb slut.
Ted Mosby: Sounds like she read that book "Of Course You're Still Single, Take a Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut"
[Lily, Marshall and Barney stare at Ted]
Ted Mosby: What? It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.
[They still stare]
Ted Mosby: It's Robin's copy, I've just leafed through it a little bit.
Marshall Eriksen: Robin's Copy?
Robin Scherbatsky: [Interviewing Anita on her show] But, um, if you had to summarize your book in thirty words or less?
Anita Appleby: I'll summarize it in one word, Robin. And that word is "No". By saying no constantly and consistently you empower yourself, while simultaneously turning any jerk into a submissive, sniveling puddle of a man.
Robin Scherbatsky: And isn't that every girls dream. After the break we're going to talk about your new book "Of Course You Don't Have a Retirement Plan Yet, Take a Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut"; due out in June.
Barney Stinson: [Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression] Hey.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Barney Stinson: Robin, I know you're upset.
Robin Scherbatsky: What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other.
Robin Scherbatsky: It just warms my frickin' heart
[returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Barney Stinson: So you're not upset?
Robin Scherbatsky: Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
Barney Stinson: But you're not just another number to me.
Robin Scherbatsky: And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks.
Barney Stinson: Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Robin Scherbatsky: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Barney Stinson: Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, don't sleep with Anita.
Barney Stinson: Done.
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
Barney Stinson: She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.