Miss Hoover: There was a mix up with your tests. You actually got an A triple-plus. The F belonged to Ralph.
Ralph Wiggum: I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.
Principal Skinner: [On a school skit] I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.
Homer Simpson: I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.
Marge Simpson: That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
Homer Simpson: Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.
Principal Skinner: Shut up, fatso.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Runs onstage and strangles Skinner]
Marge Simpson: You told him to kiss her? Why didn't you just tell him to hit her over the head with a club and drag her to a cave?
Grampa Simpson: You mean second base? He's a little young for that.
Bart Simpson: I need to talk to you about man stuff.
Homer Simpson: Talk to grandpa. He used to be a man.
Bart Simpson: He did?
Grampa Simpson: [Struggling to peel a banana] Come on, give up the goods, you yellow devil!
Bart Simpson: Where's Mrs. K?
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel went to Idaho. Turns out the people sent to rescue her sister from a cult turned out to be an even worse cult.
Bart Simpson: So who's taking her place? Me, I hope.
Principal Skinner: No, not you. Never you.
Kevin the Blind Boy: Nelson, now that the ban has been lifted, let me touch your face so that I can see how you really are.
[Feels Nelson's face]
Kevin the Blind Boy: Hey, I said your face, not your butt.
Nelson Muntz: Aw, you're comfortable enough to mock me.
Nelson Muntz: That's for mocking me!
Kevin the Blind Boy: Nelson, your punch has restored my vision! I can see again!
Nelson Muntz: Really?
Kevin the Blind Boy: Ha-ha!
Nelson Muntz: The student has become the master.
Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.
Brody McKenna: Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.
Marge Simpson: They kissed?
Madison McKenna: On the slide.
Homer Simpson: That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!
Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.
Homer Simpson: Maybe you should get easier jobs.
Madison McKenna: Unless you make this school an affection-free environment, we'll sue you to the last dime.
Principal Skinner: [holds up dime] Here it is.
Madison McKenna: And we'll make you wish your son was ever born.
Homer Simpson: Already half way there, lady.
Nikki McKenna: [after Bart falls off the slide] He's dead! And I loved him! Oh, he's still breathing. Loser!
Bart Simpson: I don't get you. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot... what is your deal?
Nikki McKenna: You have a lot to learn about women, and I'm not going to tell you.
Bart Simpson: Oh, I give up. Smell you later.
[as he walks away, Nikki runs to him and kisses him on the cheek, then walks away]
Bart Simpson: I love you!