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|Index||18 reviews in total|
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Where to begin without spoiling too much?
There is a prologue, then the opening titles (which feature a great score and an interesting credit:Directed by Alan Smithee), and it's all downhill from there.
It becomes quickly apparent that things won't be very promising with almost immediate bad dialogue given to badly-written characters who do stupid things in unrealistic, only-in-movies cliché'd manners. The actors didn't really stand a chance with this script.
Nothing works. Not the antagonists' motivations (revealed in numerous flashbacks) or their M.O., the unfortunate ''character development'' which takes up so much screen time and only succeeds in being incredibly unbelievable, (once again) cliché, uninteresting and unoriginal. Not the storyline, which throws in ''revelations'' that are completely unnecessary and illogical and doesn't bother trying to do anything remotely original. I could go on. NOTHING works.
This is one of the worst films I've seen recently. It may sound harsh but I was marvelling at how much I disliked everything with every passing minute.
This is lazy filmmaking. No attempt to try to do something original, or to create good, interesting characters. If there was, then something happened and it prompted the director to take his name off the credits.
I can't blame him.
I had such expectations for this one. It promised me Bill Moseley as a
villain, it promised me the-always-relevant twist (paramedics gone
wrong) and thus both a psychological and visceral, brutal horror.
I expect many of you have the same expectations, but heed my warning - this is NOTHING compared to what it could've been.
This movie is an insult in regards to casting/acting, script/story, scenery/footage and editing/effects/gore. And no, you will not even laugh at how campy it is. You will feel insulted, and probably turn it off quite early.
I feel bad for Moseley. Poor, old man having to interact with such amateurs. You should get another agent.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
What's a good way for a director like Alan Smithee to get people to
watch his horror film?
Releasing it right before Halloween is one way - and casting Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley as serial killing brothers, is another. I've never met Kane Hodder, but I'm willing to bet he's probably the nicest guy on the planet, because for some reason directors want to work with him. This is a guy who is best known for walking around with a hockey mask, with absolutely no dialogue. The reason for that is quite simple - he's the most wooden actor I've ever seen. He has no screen presence/charisma, no sense of timing when it comes to line delivery. He just snarls and bullies his way through every single role, without a care in the world. He does a pretty mean chicken dance, though.
'Old 37' is dull slasher film about two serial killers (Hodder/Moseley) posing as paramedics (Uh, I think it's about a boob job, too.) If you think this is a pure horror film, you're wrong. It's more teen drama than horror. It takes entirely way too long to get to the killings/torture. The character development is something you'd see from 'I Still, Still, Still Know What You Did Last Summer.' There's absolutely no reason to add any type of character development to this film, because the characters are dull, bland rip-offs of previous 'teen' slashers. You will be pleased to know, or at least you should be, that Brandi Cyrus doesn't manage to last 20 minutes into the film. If you're like me, you probably feared she'd somehow land the main role as the helpless victim. You won't be pleased to know, that if she hadn't been killed off, she would have ended up being the best actor/actress in the film - and that's not meant as a compliment.
Random Ramblings of a Madman: 'Old 37' is mind numbingly awful, filled with bland characters, awful acting, and the worst drivers ever put on film.
First, I'd like to say that I'm grading this movie on a curve. It's not
that great, and parts are downright amateurish (whoever was in charge
of continuity should be smacked in the back of the head), but it's not
all that bad and, for what it is, micro budget splatter horror, it's
kind of entertaining.
I was really looking forward to this movie because of horror legends Bill Moseley (Otis Driftwood, Chop-Top) and Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees, Victor Crowley), in the lead, because it had actual merchandise so I thought it might not be totally disposable, and because the idea is actually kind of cool. Two serial killers ride around in an ambulance preying on the injured, posing as paramedics. Not bad, huh?
Well, that's not really what it's about. It's about two sadistic rednecks, one a motor mouth sleaze ball (Moseley), the other a towering mute in a mask (Hodder), stalking a group of obnoxious rich kids that ran over their mother while drag racing. They vow revenge, and damn well get it in rather gory fashion.
The cast isn't embarrassingly bad, but not great either. There's too much teen melodrama and the first half really drags because of it. The second half, when Moseley and Hodder become more prevalent, is better.
The gore effects aren't bad, Moseley and Hodder are good playing exactly the kind of roles they usually play, Miley Cyrus's sister has a tiny part, there's too much music crammed into the movie from unknown indie bands, one girl briefly shows her butt, and continuity is terrible. Day and night seem like one big blur sometimes.
That's about all I have on this one. Check it out, or don't. Your call.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Clue #1 that you are, most likely, headed down regrettable waters comes
in the opening credits when we see the director credited as Alan
Smithee. For those unaware, this is a long-standing entertainment
pseudonym used when a director is so embarrassed of the final product
that they wish for their name to be erased. By the end of the 80 minute
run time of this movie you will understand, with no uncertainty, just
exactly why the director would have done this.
I always feel the need to preface a review with some background on myself. I love horror. I've seen more horror movies than you have heard of and that includes plenty of indie work, so I'm not biased against horror with a low budget and that has nothing to do with my negative opinions of this movie.
We have, essentially, two concurrent story lines running here. On one hand are our "villains", two brothers played by the dream casting of Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder. Their father was a former military medic who couldn't remove himself from the war. He used an ambulance to intercept emergency callers and inflict torture upon them, all while bringing his impressionable boys with him. Through a never ending series of flashbacks, we see that this torture extended to their home life, as well, where the father abused both the boys and their mother, all leading up to their inevitable taking over of the family ambulance business.
Of course, any slasher needs a final girl and this one features the most boring, unimaginative one that you will see. Her best friend has abandoned her to hang with the beautiful people, but a tragic accident leads to her death. Of course, even though this girl has completely abandoned our heroine, she must give the eulogy anyways to some bizarre mixture of funeral/ school assembly. Somehow, this all leads to an obsession with getting breast implants, stealing the neighborhood mean girl's boyfriend and an all too predictable plot line where she loses the "real her" in her quest to become one of the cool kids. Naturally, these two stories line meet up in the end.
There are so many problems with this that I just don't even know where to begin. There isn't a single good actor in this entire production and, sadly, that includes Moseley and Hodder (two guys that I have met and like personally, which makes me more sad to say it). Moseley basically plays out a character that's just a slight shade away from his most famous roles, Choptop and Otis Firefly. You can hear both of those roles emerging in his lines as he plays the exact same sort of psycho. Hodder is given really nothing to do except skulk around and look menacing. The teenagers are bland and not far above high school play level talent. The only other person you've heard of in this one is Miley Cyrus' talentless older sister, who is killed in the first ten minutes.
It doesn't help that the writing is pathetic, either. The dialog, especially, is so bad that the viewer will find themselves laughing at the movie at times. It's one thing to see actors in a low budget production, who may not be top level talent, but they are doing their best with quality script. Here, the writing is even worse than the acting. I found myself wondering, at times, if they even had a script, or just made some things up to say as they went along.
The movie spends FAR too much time on the teenage drama, which is just boring and insipid. It's just so cliché and overly done as a plot line that there is no interest for the viewer at all. It spends an inordinate amount of time obsessing about a breast implant surgery for our heroine, then the day finally comes and she's totally blasé about it. Naturally, after getting her hair done and new breasts, she suddenly forgets all about her school work, changes her world-view overnight and becomes another cliché character.
She is interwoven into the villains story line through several all too convenient plot threads that lead to everything combining in the end. It's not enough to have her best friend killed on the road that these psychos patrol with their torture wagon, but we get flashbacks to reveal that her circle of friends may have had something to do with the death of the villains' beloved mother and they just happen to have seen it happen, remembered the faces and have been waiting for this revenge. As if that all wasn't a convenient enough plot device, our heroine's mother becomes friends with Moseley's psycho after his mother is killed. This mother apparently dates every man in town, who come into the two girls' lives every time it's convenient for the plot, including Moseley taking mom out on a date in our finale, even though he shows up at the home looking like a beat up, psychotic, homeless man that no woman in her right mind would leave the house with, let alone a single mother.
The one saving grace of all of this is some nice gory flourishes in the killings and torture, which will satisfy a gorehound. I appreciate the use of practical effects and real blood, rather than slick CGI. There are a few scenes that really grabbed my attention with the red stuff splattering around. These few scenes, though, are just not enough to redeem this movie in any way.
It's a shame to waste two talents like Moseley and Hodder in a movie as bad as this, but I just cannot recommend this to anyone.
It's all bait n' switch with some movie companies. You can hire a
couple of 'name' stars and a competent film crew and churn out some
garbage that desperate fans will show up for... and walk away cheated.
But hey, you got some cash out of them and word won't spread fast
enough to keep you from making back your investment plus a bit to see
the next bit of cinematic snake oil.
Really, I thought the basic idea could have worked... and the actors were decent... and with modern technology and film schools churning out tech-competent students desperate to pay off their loans it's hard to make a bad looking movie... but geeez! Who wrote this crap?!!! It's dumb and dumbest right from the start. Does Moseley even read the scripts for the movies before he signs up?
Truly a waste of time, talent and energy.
For some reason then "Old 37" had managed to elude me until 2017, which
is a bit odd as it has both Kane Hodder and Bill Mosely on the cast
list, two huge iconic horror names, and two actors that I do like in
So when I got the chance to sit down and watch "Old 37", I needed no convincing and I didn't even have to read the synopsis for the movie. All that was needed was the horror label and the fact that both Hodder and Mosely were starring in this movie.
The pacing of the movie was somewhat of a mixed result. I especially liked how the movie did lay the groundwork for the setting from the very beginning. But the movie did follow the generic formula of how to make a horror movie, which was so clearly apparent, for better or worse. And it does slow down quite a lot during the first half of the movie in order to establish characters and background. That made it somewhat tedious, but then it gradually started to pick up pace again as Jon Roy (played by Kane Hodder) and Darryl (played by Bill Mosely) made a return to perform their ghastly endeavor.
The cast in "Old 37" was good, especially because most of the faces appearing on the screen were new to me. And personally I do enjoy watching new performers on the screen, as they are not already associated with other roles in other movies. And having two horror icons in one movie needs no explanation.
As for the characters in the movie, well I will say that the character gallery was quite diverse. Some characters more likable than others, naturally. However, the overall impression is that the characters could just as easily had been in any other horror movie, so there was a feeling of generic character build to some of them.
There wasn't an abundance of special effects, much less CGI effects. But I will say that the practical effects that were in the movie were quite nice, especially the special effects make-up on Brooke, when she was found, that looked quite good. It was interesting to have Jon Roy cover his lower part of the face with a mask throughout the movie, but when his face was revealed it was somewhat of an anti-climatic reveal, because his face wasn't that scary or deformed.
"Old 37" was actually quite nicely filmed and edited, which made for a very enjoyable viewing pleasure. And that also made for a very good flow to the movie.
The music score for the movie was actually quite good, and the music was quite fitting for the particular atmosphere that permeated the movie.
I must admit that I had expected more mayhem and mutilation that what director Alan Smithee managed to deliver here with the help of writers Joe Landes and Paul Travers. And the ups and downs in the pacing of the movie was also somewhat of a setback for the overall enjoyment of the movie. "Old 37" wasn't an impressive or outstanding horror movie in any way, and not even the two iconic horror figures Hodder and Mosely could salvage this one.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Growing up with a fruitcake paramedic father with a taste for blood (he
never got over it after the war!), two adult men (horror icons, Kane
Hodder and Bill Moseley) were truly effed up by his upbringing,
although their mom tried as she might to show them some semblance of
family love and affection. Well, the two operate a car salvage yard and
on their spare time hunt down wrecking motorists when they dial 911
from in short distance. How do they hunt? By pretending to be
paramedics, even owning an ambulance, surprising unsuspecting victims
by bringing the ultraviolence, that's how.
The movie alternates between flashbacks detailing the ghoulish memories of Hodder and Moseley and Caitlin Harris' gradual transition from cool, individualistic "misfit" (she's not part of the whole popular crowd) to silicone-boobed, blond-colored, desperate-for-attention Heather. There's also high school's It crowd Caitlin is not fond of yet inexplicably decides to eventually mimic because of a boy, of course! Caitlin and her mom have conversations about the men in their lives, and the eventual boob job gets plenty of rub. Daftly, Caitlin's friend is murdered because of a car stunt involving legs split on two cars while driving at high speeds (the blond diva of the teens feels overshadowed and causes her beau to lose his attention while driving!) and fades into the script's ether it is included strictly to make the kids who decide to keep it all a secret all the more unfavorable.
I could care less about the miscreants that made up the teens, but there is a good bit of attention towards them in the first part of the movie. It is only later that finally the film emphasizes Moseley and Hodder's horrific childhoods (Moseley is definitely warped by the experience, ridiculing Hodder endlessly, even responsible for his facial disfiguring resulting in the wearing of a mouth mask) and gets to them killing folks. Moseley has been pretty much typecast as the backwoods psycho, but he continues to somehow summon the gravitas to make the characters he plays watchable. He's a charismatic presence, no doubt about that. I have to guess he's bored with this by now, though. "Dead Air" (2009) proved he could play a character that is right the opposite to his usual nutjobs, but he's so incredibly busy (just look at his schedule, it is astounding) the money offered beats unemployment, I guess. Hodder will always be employed as long as he brings the menace like he does here. Still, they are actually underused despite their heavy billing in the cast. As far as their extracurricular activities: the violence is mostly out of frame. A saw to the throat squirts blood, but a majority of knife-stabbing and saw dicing is implied not explicitly elaborated a no-no for those who typically watch this kind of movie. Like horror movies of today, aesthetically, it is all desaturated with brown and grey prevalent it is all sepia-centric. This has the Alan Smithee title for the director in the credits so it is clear that Christian Winters wasn't fond of the finished product I think his decision has merit as it is a tale of two movies both fighting for supremacy.
After a string of disappearances around town, a group of friends find
that the events are committed by a pair of psychotic brothers posing as
paramedics intercepting emergency calls to kidnap and torture victims
and forcing them to stop their rampage.
This here was decent enough and had some good parts. What really works nicely here is the fact that there's some rather fun times to be had here from the way this one goes about delivering the torturing and tormenting that the two guys dole out, providing a great amount of bloodshed. The opening attacks on the different travelers, from the father's assault on the girl to their present- day ambush on the other couple and finally appearing to the high- school kids manages to really get quite enjoyable with the different dismembering and torturing done on the victims while getting this one set-up quite nicely Several other rather fun stalking scenes are found throughout here, from the stalking of the couple in the car out in the woods or the rather creepy attack on the lone victim in the impound lot, though the fun really comes from the finale where there's plenty of highly enjoyable stalking and chasing done throughout here, from the confrontation in the woods where they get abducted into the ambulance and the great stalking through the darkened impound lot, the brawling with the family in the shack and finally the big finish which gets some nice action and gore involved as well. These here are the film's best parts. Still, beyond these issues there's quite a few problems to be found here. There's not a whole lot that's of any real interest here for the majority of the film, really dragging the pace out in the first half. The storyline about the teens getting ready for the party aware of the different accidents afflicting their classmates and the utterly banal social hierarchy involving everyone there which manages to include the cliché story about their secret back-story and the mean girl structure that involves everyone out trying to outwit each other in order to better themselves, and none of this is all that clever, original or enjoyable in the slightest. It just makes the film quite bland and boring while also highlighting the other flaw in that the brothers don't really have a whole lot to do here. By forcing all that into the film, they tend to take a backseat and show up for a few brief scenes which are quite enjoyable somewhat but don't really generate the kind of interest they really should seeing these hulking behemoths on-screen which is somewhat frustrating. Their back-story isn't all that enjoyable anyway and really tends to come off as so cliché and expected it's all going to be guessed without much difficulty and really brings down it's effectiveness. Likewise, the other small flaw here is the finale which features the turn for no reason here other than giving the heroine a chance to escape out of the situation as it makes no sense why that would occur or the motive behind it. Otherwise, this one wasn't that bad.
Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Nudity and strong themes of child abuse.
OLD 37 was recommended to me by a friend. We have a long standing
relationship of reviewing films as horror fans, but have always tried
to elevate the genre. We don't think we are better than anyone else,
but we always appreciate a solid concept, good writing, practical kills
and a bit more than your average slasher.
I think OLD 37 delivers on all of these levels.
The movie spends a good amount of time developing the characters and gives you enough time to understand the teenage drama. These characters and their flaws are very much on point with today's high school crowd. It spends an good amount of time focusing about a breast implant surgery for our heroine, then the day finally comes and she's totally excited about it. Naturally, after getting her hair done and new breasts, she transforms into the cookie cutter version of our mean girl.
Perhaps a case of mistaken identity we have up ahead? This was good writing. If the nerd girl would have just stayed true to herself, she would not be caught up in this dilemma. But instead, she wanted to be just like the cool girl.
A case of the "grass isn't always greener".
We see some nice gore and good writing with in the killings and torture, which will satisfy any cliché horror lover. We always are thankful when the film makes use of practical effects and real blood, rather than CGI. There are a few scenes that really grabbed my attention with the red stuff splattering around. These scenes partnered with the elevated story line make this film truly enjoyable.
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