Old Ted admitted to his kids that in this story, he's just a jerk. At the bar, Ted told the gang he was inviting Tiffany to his apartment to see his antique camera collection. Barney said it was "bait," just a ruse to get a girl to come up to a guy's apartment. Marshall recalled luring Lily to his dorm room to see his new rap poster.
"It was the first year of college -- I was really into Wu-Tang Clan," Lily said, in her own defense.
Barney explained that bait is tricky because it has to be interesting enough to get a girl to come over, but it can't overpower the night. He recalled that a slot machine was too fun, and a trampoline too dangerous (as a girl was wheeled out of his apartment on a stretcher). But then he found the perfect bait: a teacup pig. Ted demanded to borrow.
Cut to Tiffany (played by Carrie Underwood) ooing and aahing over Ted's teacup pig. Just when Ted was going to move in for a kiss, Tiffany said, "You know who else would love this teacup pig? My boyfriend."
She went back and forth with Ted, saying that her boyfriend was technically not her boyfriend, but technically is her boyfriend. She asked him to be patient. Robin and Barney tried to explain to him that he was on the hook and Tiffany was reeling him along. Marshall recalled being strung along by Lisa Walker back in St. Cloud, Minn.
Ted said his case was different, because Tiffany said she was really into him, but can't be with him "right now." The gang said those words were the kiss of death.
Lily talked about how Scooter never got off her hook. She also mentioned that Scooter is working at the school cafeteria. She'd tried to tell Marshall about "Lunch Lady Scooter" but Marshall thought it was a long-overdue device that wheels lunches around to students. Lily said she'd tell Scooter he has no chance.
Ted was waiting at the bar in hopes that Tiffany would show up, and he told Barney he was not going to give up on her, to which Old Ted interjected, "I should've given up on her." Ted said, "This girl is special" ("She was the devil," Old Ted said.).
Ted: "Things are going to work out with Tiffany." (Old Ted: "No they're not, dumbass.")
Barney said Tiffany was a poison that Barney needed to cut out of his life forever. That's when Tiffany walked in with a bunch of her hot co-workers.
"Hang on to this girl, Ted," Barney said. "Hang on to her and never let go!"
Barney was beginning to suspect that Tiffany was a pharmaceutical sales rep. She was. Ted said it was just a job, but this sent Barney into convulsions. He was twitching as he explained to Ted that, "Throughout time, there has always been one cutting-edge profession to which hot girls like Tiffany have flocked. Shall I walk you through the history?"
"I'm going to explicitly say, no" Ted said, but Barney was already into his historical speech.
He explained that it all started 2.5 million years ago when man was a hunter, so the hottest profession of the day was "gatherer -- Homo erectus, indeed."
Then, when man mastered technology, the hottest profession evolved and hot women became nurses. ("I'm pretty sure it's a hernia, can you check again?" Barney told Nurse Tiffany).
Soon, hot women became stewardesses. ("I am in the upright and locked position," Barney told a giggling stewardess Tiffany.)
Then, when man decided to take prescription drugs and now pharma-girls are today's hottest profession.
Tiffany came over and Ted asked if she'd dumped her loser boyfriend yet. She hadn't, and walked away. Barney encouraged him to ditch Tiffany and join in on a pharma-girl free-for-all, "side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn, shortness of breath, and sore abdominals the next morning -- what in the world is up?!" Barney said, reaching for a high-five.
Marshall tried to prep Lily for letting Scooter down by having her practice her "there's no way I can ever be with you" speech to the teacup pig. She couldn't do it, without telling the teacup pig they couldn't be together "right now."
Barney updated Ted at the bar, telling him he'd already hooked up with three pharma-girls. "Plus, my cholesterol is down, my restless leg syndrome is cured -- I've never felt more alive!"
Ted told Lily and Robin that Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. They said he was still on the hook. He thought that he was off the hook because they'd hung out the night before. They cuddled (he was cuddling with her, mostly), they ate chocolate cake (he fed her a piece that she reluctantly ate), and he gave her a foot rub.
Ted wasn't buying that he was on the hook, but Robin reminded him of Henrietta, the girl from the university library who he's had on the hook. He admitted that they'd cuddled, eaten chocolate cake and he'd received foot rubs from Henrietta. Robin told him keeping someone on the hook was a "nice little ego boost."
Ted told Robin she had a cameraman from work on the hook. Cut to Robin getting a foot rub and eating chocolate cake from an older guy who she then convinced to do her laundry.
Back to Henrietta, Ted said he was going to hang out with her that night, as friends. When he showed up, she'd laid out a buffet and asked him if he wanted a foot rub. Tiffany called and asked Ted to be her date for a wedding out of town, then he left to go hang out with her. Henrietta's parents were disappointed because they thought they were going to meet Ted. Old Ted called Ted a jerk.
Ted was in Tiffany's hotel room pouring champagne when she walked in, apologizing for not having called him. She was going to tell him that she'd gotten back together with Jack, who was the best man at the wedding. Jack walked in with her. She took the champagne.
Lily kept practicing her speech on the teacup pig and after a hiccup, it worked.
Back at the hotel room, Ted realized he was on Tiffany's hook, and as he watched her rubbing Jack's feet, he saw that she was on his. Then Old Ted said he learned years later that Henrietta had some other guy on her hook and it was a vicious cycle. He said he was done and they weren't going to work -- ever. He left.
At school, Lily geared up to tell Scooter he had no chance with her as Marshall watched. She went up and told Scooter there was no way they'd ever be together. As Scooter started to tear up, Marshall shouted, "Right now." He said Scooter just looked so sweet, and kept encouraging Scooter to hang in there, "I'm not going to live forever."
At the bar, Barney told Robin, "Last night, I was with this pharma-girl who was so hot you should call a doctor if you don't have an erection for more than four hours -- am I right, people?" Robin reminded him there were no "people" around -- just the girl he most recently dated.
One of the pharma-girls introduced Barney to their newest colleague, an older, heavier woman named Gladys.
Barney lamented, "It's over. Pharma-girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks. It's the end of an era."
Robin said he was being dramatic.
"Am I?" Barney asked. "It starts out with a Gladys. Next thing you know, a few not-so-fabulous gay guys enter the ranks. And before you know it, pharma-girls look like the crew on a Southwest flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock. It's over!"
Ted went to Henrietta's, ready to let her off the hook. He bent over and a ring fell out of his jacket pocket. He realized he'd accidentally picked up Jack the best man's jacket when he left Tiffany's room. But as he knelt at Henrietta's door, picking up the ring, she opened it and said, "Yes, the answer is yes!"
She let him in and shouted to her parents that Ted had proposed. But Ted hadn't said anything. Her dad called him, "Son."
Ted told Robin that he seriously considered just marrying her out of sheer awkwardness, but he broke her heart. He told her he didn't want to be with her -- ever. Robin told him, "Honesty is tough, but in the end it is the far kinder alternative."
That's when Mike the cameraman walked in the door with her laundry. She got up to tell him something, but when she realized he had one load of delicates left she said, "It can wait."
Later, Barney walked into the bar feeling chipper despite the end of the pharma-girl era. He realized their reign had to end to make room for another hot-girl profession. He didn't know what it would be, "but one thing is sure: the future glows like a giant sun shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds."
Robin asked was changed his mind.
He said it was "the realization that hope springs eternal," and the bottle of purple pills he found in his couch cushions.