What are you afraid of?
ALEX: Global warming...and getting a "B"
CLAIRE: Gettting a phone call in the middle of the night
PHIL: I'm too much of a perfectionist ("Honey, this isn't a job interview.") Oh, man. Job interviews.
JAY: Nothing. (Pigeons?) Oh, I don't like them. They're shifty.
CAMERON: Losing Mitchell
MITCHELL: Hotel bedspreads (ouch!)
HALEY: Never getting my driver's license...or getting it and the picture sucks
MANNY: Dying alone.
Haley is very nervous about taking that test, since she doesn't want to be driven around by Claire anymore, who, like, always hassles her about, like, her use of the word 'like'. (Which Claire's generation STARTED, btw.) But then, it beats Phil and Luke going under the house to see the unknown 'collection' that is under the house. Phil buys jumpsuits and headband lights for Luke and himself. However, they are afraid of whatever wild animals seem to be escaping from underneath the house. (that must be the 'collection' the cable guy referred to)
Mitchell and Cameron are trying to straighten up for their pediatrician, who was coming over for brunch, and they wanted to improve on their not-so-good first impressions from last time. Even getting rid of the girlish doll their two lesbian friends brought over was crucial, although they didn't want to stereotype.
MITCHELL: Oh, did they bring back our coffee maker?
CAMERON: No, it was too big. They were on their motorcycle.
Naturally, Mitchell thinks it's weird, but Cameron is trying to score brownie points by making brownies for her. It works for Cameron's dentist, as does the fact that Cameron's dentist has the hots for him. Fortunately, their pediatrician seemed to appreciate the gesture, as well as Cameron telling her she has a great figure. ("We're not trying to initiate a three-way.") And Lily is as cute as ever until she invokes every gay dad's worst nightmare while Dr. Miura was holding Lily: her first word is "mommy." Now THAT hurts.
In spite of Dr. Miura's reassurances, Cameron is still beside himself.
CAMERON: Maybe (sniffle) we're not providing her (sob) with the feminine energy (cry) she needs.
Suddenly, Cameron blames Dr. Miura, because she's Asian...a fact well-established the last time, which is why they're having the brunch in the first place. Mitchell breaks out his Drama Queen-English translator to say that perhaps Lily bonded with her orphanage's handlers for the first six months she was born, and Dr. Miura might have brought that out in her. Dr. Miura tries to downplay it and Mitchell and Cameron agree...until Lily says 'mommy' again. Even Mitchell can't be the strong one now. Dr. Miura finally tells them that her mother wanted her to go the traditional route, and she relied more on her father for advice on going to med school.
DR. MIURA: The only way my mother will ever be happy with me is if I'm some Asian stereotype. And that just isn't me. (right before knocking over a bunch of garbage cans with her car)
While Jay takes Manny to the pier to fish, since he was too afraid to go to a birthday party at an amusement park, and Haley takes her third driver's test with the instructor who flunked her the first two times, Phil is trying not to go underneath the house but also not seem afraid in front of Luke. His solution is hooking up a videocamera to a remote-controlled truck and do a Mars Rover imitation. And the odds of the truck geting stuck underneath? It's a sitcom; of COURSE it gets stuck.
It turns out, Gloria had an ulterior motive for taking Jay and Manny to the pier to fish: the roller coaster was there. Manny was still afraid, but Gloria eventually talks him into it. But now suddenly Jay has a bad back and an inner-ear thing. But now Gloria goes off.
GLORIA: Oh for God's sake, fine! Here! Take my girlie purse, and my floppy hat, and if you need it, there's the ladies' room!
MANNY: (pauses) I'm not man enough to fight this. Here, hold my purse.
JAY: Aaah, hell. (all of them get on)
While Haley begs and pleads for a fourth chance to take her test, Alex doesn't want to go to a dance at school, despite Gloria's insistence. Alex tries to come up with every anti-establishment reason for doing it, but Claire goes Good Will Hunting on her until she breaks down and admits she's afraid of not being asked to dance. Claire gives her the same advice she gave Haley: just take three deep breaths and do it. ("Great, even the advice you give me is a hand-me-down.")
Phil is ready to give up, but somehow Luke gets the courage to go into the crawl space. Unfortunately, he gets caught by a hot water pipe, and Phil has to brave the dark and the spiders to get him out. ("Does that make me a hero? Yes, it does.") And the collection? HUMAN SKULLS!!! (aaaaggghhh) Actually, they were the previous owner's Halloween decorations.
PHIL: Everybody's afraid of something, right? Heights, clowns, tight spaces. Those are things you get over. But then, there's are children. Will they fit in? Will they be safe? Those are fears you never get past. So sometimes, all you can do is take a deep breath, hold them close, and hope for the best. Sometimes things don't work out. But you gotta love it when they do... like Cam and Mitchell finding out that Lily wasn't rejecting them but was imitating her doll, which says "mommy."