- Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends, I'm not that cool, I'm not JUNO, homeslice.
- Jeff Winger: This is what this was about for you? You were jealous?
- Britta: Oh, please. You can't tell me you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.
- Annie Edison: What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team!
- Jeff Winger: What?... yeah. That kiss wasn't for pleasure, it was strategic and joyless.
- Annie Edison: What?... yeah.
- Troy: You did get weirdly specific describing Annie's body.
- Jeff Winger: More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?
- Britta, Annie Edison: What?
- Shirley Bennett: Does anyone get specific about me?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Check your e-mail.
- Shirley Bennett: I mark you as spam.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Who the hell is Pam?
- Jeff Winger: You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt; he never wears shoes: why hasn't he died from lack of service?
- Abed: When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome as the family in the Brady Bunch. Now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.
- Shirley Bennett: I agree with Abed. This is getting creepy.
- Annie Edison: No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill!"
- Shirley Bennett: First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all where I'm from it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. You don't see me saying anything about Abed and Troy's weird little relationship.
- Abed, Troy: [to each other] They're just jealous.
- Britta: What about Troy?
- Annie Edison: The other day after Spanish I thought he was trying to hold my hand, but... he'd just mistaken me for Abed.
- "Kickpuncher" narrator: It is the year 2006 A.D and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.
- Abed: I must've missed that.
- Pierce Hawthorne: "Directed by Kim Yung." Asian. Can't direct, can't drive.
- Señor Chang: Dude, I'm right here.
- Abed: Right there.
- Britta: We see ourselves as your Greendale parents.
- Annie Edison: You're not my mom, Britta. She would never wear boots that go that high. And what about treating me as a friend and an adult?
- Britta: Oh, you wanna be treated as an adult and a friend. Then try not stealing your friend's ex-boyfriend. Find your own man.
- Shirley Bennett: Ooh!
- Annie Edison: But you don't like Vaughn.
- Britta: No, I don't. I also don't like seeing him with anyone else. Tada!
- Annie Edison: But you said it was okay.
- Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly-girl. I like boys and I don't like it when they're mean to me and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I'm not that cool, okay, I'm not Juno, homeslice.
- Annie Edison: Hey, guys! Thanks for getting involved in my love life, that was super cool and mature of you! Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic!
- [storms out]
- Troy: Hey, guys! Thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into another hottie that will never get with me!
- [storms out]
- Leonard: Hey, guys! Thanks for eating all the macaroni!
- Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard! No one even knows what you're talking about!
- [Leonard leaves]
- Jeff Winger: ...I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.
- Troy: Oh, that's cool that you're hanging out, drinking beers with your students.
- Señor Chang: [Motions at formal attire he's wearing] Yeah, because clearly none of my other plans fell through.
- Jeff Winger: She's 18! Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Vaughn. He's a gateway douche-bag.
- Britta: People collide! Things happen. It can't be controlled. Right?
- Jeff Winger: And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to Star-Burns... oh yeah, turn to your left, turn to your right. Yeah, we can see BOTH of them. It's like a constellation on your face... Oh hey man, what's up?
- Star-Burns: [waving] You see that guy over there? He's a douchebag.
- Drug Dealer: [On movie "Kickpuncher"] Wanna get some mega-dope? It'll get you mega-high.
- Shirley Bennett: Will it get me through this movie?
- "Kickpuncher" narrator: Detroit is a firezone ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.
- Troy: Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.
- Annie Edison: Why are we even talking about this?
- Jeff Winger: 'Cause you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.
- Annie Edison: We haven't even kissed yet!
- Pierce Hawthorne: That doesn't mean you're not having sex.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Change! Time to change the channel! This guy'll be begging for change soon, he keeps making movies this terrible! We should change to something good, this movie stinks! We should change his diaper. That's change we can believe in!
- Abed: [Abed hits pause] Okay, it's obvious something strange is happening here.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What are you talking about? I'm making jokes during a movie.
- Troy: Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.
- Jeff Winger: Crash course in manipulation: you don't tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it. That way it can't be traced back to you.
- Britta: Hmm, got it.
- [Jeff and Britta walk up to Troy]
- Britta: Chemistry, sexy. You know what else it sexy? Annie.
- [Jeff rolls his eyes]
- Troy: I know chemistry is sexy, but Annie? I don't see it.
- Britta: You really don't see how pretty Annie is?
- Troy: Maybe it's because I knew her in high school before she dropped out when she still had acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running into a plate-glass window screaming "everyone's a robot!"
- Jeff Winger: Fine, okay. I guess we're not really family. It's more complicated than that because unlike a real family there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at each other as sexual prospects.
- Jeff Winger: He's got her in some kind of hippie collar. I can hear her armpit hair growing from here.
- Troy: Tell him. Tell him you've been in love with me since high school.
- Vaughn: Wait a minute. Is that true Mountain Flower?
- Annie Edison: I never want to lie to you, so I will tell you that I did have a crush on him but it's over, I swear.
- Vaughn: You swear? Just like Britta swore that she didn't give Jeff my poem and then I found him laughing at it with Pierce and that Sherri Shepherd lady? It's happening again. Your study group is evil. And you don't deserve ice cream.
- [throws extra cone away]
- Annie Edison: [gasp]
- [the director's credit for "Kickpuncher" is displayed]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Directed by Kim Yang. Asian. Can't direct, can't drive.
- Señor Chang: Dude, I'm right here.
- Vaughn: [Vaughn sings to Annie] I see you when you smile / and I want to sing a song / but then I write the words / and they always come out wrong / they come out wrong / I feel it in my fingers / I feel it in my toes / but then the words get frozen / in my mouth like Eskimos / I like your nose / ooh ooh ooh / ooh Annie / ooh ooh ooh / ooh / Annie's song
- Troy: Pierce, you don't want to watch a cyborg movie in Abed's dorm. You want to lay on your twin bed and think about what you used to be.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [offended] What? You think I'm too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? Come on. I'm younger than the three of you put together.
- [confusion crosses everyone's face]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Let's get to the movie.
- [stammers]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, I'm sorry, Shirley. I'll wait if you want to serve beverages.
- Shirley Bennett: You gonna be waiting a long-ass time.
- Jeff Winger: We got to do something.
- Britta: Okay, even if I agreed with you, what are we gonna do?
- Jeff Winger: Well, I know if we say we disapprove, we'll just drive her further into his hemp-braceleted arms. We need to be smart. We need to hatch a scheme.
- Britta: Mm, hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.
- Jeff Winger: Let's not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse. This problem won't respond to tap dancing or casual revelations that you spent time in New York.
- Britta: Okay, if you're gonna get all upper East Side about this, I think we're done.
- Star-Burns: Hey, Winger, check out Annie. Somebody just went to the top of my "To Do" list.
- [Jeff groans]
- Britta: Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.
- Jeff Winger: Thank you.
- Jeff Winger: But the point is, we're not telling you what to do.
- Britta: Oh, yeah, you didn't hear it from us.
- [Britta and Jeff back out of the room]
- Troy: I have the weirdest boner.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Come on, guys. I'm starting to wonder if you even deserve to call yourselves a community college sketch comedy troupe. I told you, on movie night, I need to blow these punks out of the water. I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.
- Mark Millot: Wouldn't you rather just watch a movie with your friends and have a good time?
- Pierce Hawthorne: What are you, my third wife's therapist?
- Linda: What if he said, "it's a good day for..." And you said, "for being gay"?
- Pierce Hawthorne: [laughing] You're a genius.
- Linda: [to Mark] He likes gay jokes.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What?
- Linda: I said we write great jokes.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Don't flatter yourselves.