Jeff Winger: You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt; he never wears shoes: why hasn't he died from lack of service?
Annie Edison: Hey, guys! Thanks for getting involved in my love life, that was super cool and mature of you! Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic!
Troy: Hey, guys! Thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into another hottie that will never get with me!
Leonard: Hey, guys! Thanks for eating all the macaroni!
Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard! No one even knows what you're talking about!
Jeff Winger: ...I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.
Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends, I'm not that cool, I'm not JUNO, homeslice.
Jeff Winger: This is what this was about for you? You were jealous?
Britta: Oh, please. You can't tell me you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.
Annie Edison: What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team!
Jeff Winger: What?... yeah. That kiss wasn't for pleasure, it was strategic and joyless.
Annie Edison: What?... yeah.
Troy: You did get weirdly specific describing Annie's body.
Jeff Winger: More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?
Shirley Bennett: Does anyone get specific about me?
Pierce Hawthorne: Check your e-mail.
Shirley Bennett: I mark you as spam.
Pierce Hawthorne: Who the hell is Pam?
Abed: When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome as the family in the Brady Bunch. Now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.
Shirley Bennett: I agree with Abed. This is getting creepy.
Annie Edison: No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill!"
Shirley Bennett: First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all where I'm from it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. You don't see me saying anything about Abed and Troy's weird little relationship.
"Kickpuncher" narrator: It is the year 2006 A.D and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.
Abed: I must've missed that.
Britta: We see ourselves as your Greendale parents.
Annie Edison: You're not my mom, Britta. She would never wear boots that go that high. And what about treating me as a friend and an adult?
Britta: Oh, you wanna be treated as an adult and a friend. Then try not stealing your friend's ex-boyfriend. Find your own man.
Shirley Bennett: Ooh!
Annie Edison: But you don't like Vaughn.
Britta: No, I don't. I also don't like seeing him with anyone else. Tada!
Annie Edison: But you said it was okay.
Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly-girl. I like boys and I don't like it when they're mean to me and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I'm not that cool, okay, I'm not Juno, homeslice.
Jeff Winger: She's 18! Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Vaughn. He's a gateway douche-bag.
Britta: People collide! Things happen. It can't be controlled. Right?
Jeff Winger: And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to Star-Burns... oh yeah, turn to your left, turn to your right. Yeah, we can see BOTH of them. It's like a constellation on your face... Oh hey man, what's up?
Star-Burns: [waving] You see that guy over there? He's a douchebag.
Britta: What about Troy?
Annie Edison: The other day after Spanish I thought he was trying to hold my hand, but... he'd just mistaken me for Abed.
Pierce Hawthorne: Change! Time to change the channel! This guy'll be begging for change soon, he keeps making movies this terrible! We should change to something good, this movie stinks! We should change his diaper. That's change we can believe in!
Abed: [Abed hits pause] Okay, it's obvious something strange is happening here.
Pierce Hawthorne: What are you talking about? I'm making jokes during a movie.
Troy: Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.
Annie Edison: Vaughn wants to show me a cloud that looks like a pumpkin!
Troy: I think it's cool how you hang out with your students.
Señor Chang: [Motions at formal attire he's wearing] Yeah, because clearly none of my other plans fell through.
Drug Dealer: [On movie "Kickpuncher"] Wanna get some mega-dope? It'll get you mega-high.
Shirley Bennett: Will it get me through this movie?
Pierce Hawthorne: "Directed by Kim Yung." Asian. Can't direct, can't drive.
Señor Chang: Dude, I'm right here.
Abed: Right there.
Jeff Winger: Crash course in manipulation: you don't tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it. That way it can't be traced back to you.
Britta: Hmm, got it.
[Jeff and Britta walk up to Troy]
Britta: Chemistry, sexy. You know what else it sexy? Annie.
[Jeff rolls his eyes]
Troy: I know chemistry is sexy, but Annie? I don't see it.
Britta: You really don't see how pretty Annie is?
Troy: Maybe it's because I knew her in high school before she dropped out when she still had acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running into a plate-glass window screaming "everyone's a robot!"
"Kickpuncher" narrator: Detroit is a firezone ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.
Troy: Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.
[the director's credit for "Kickpuncher" is displayed]
Pierce Hawthorne: Directed by Kim Yang. Asian. Can't direct, can't drive.
Señor Chang: Dude, I'm right here.
Shirley Bennett: Usually, I walk out on a bad movie, but this sounds collegy.
Troy: I'm not your bro, bro.
Vaughn: Everyone's my bro, because we're all connected. Sharks, eagles, hats.
Troy: Yeah? Well some things are more connected than others, like tarantulas and me peeing myself. Or me and Annie.
Annie Edison: Why are we even talking about this?
Jeff Winger: 'Cause you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.
Annie Edison: We haven't even kissed yet!
Pierce Hawthorne: That doesn't mean you're not having sex.
Jeff Winger: Fine, okay. I guess we're not really family. It's more complicated than that because unlike a real family there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at each other as sexual prospects.
Troy: Let's do this. Red Shoe Diaries. I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.
Troy: Tell him. Tell him you've been in love with me since high school.
Vaughn: Wait a minute. Is that true Mountain Flower?
Annie Edison: I never want to lie to you, so I will tell you that I did have a crush on him but it's over, I swear.
Vaughn: You swear? Just like Britta swore that she didn't give Jeff my poem and then I found him laughing at it with Pierce and that Sherri Shepherd lady? It's happening again. Your study group is evil. And you don't deserve ice cream.
[throws extra cone away]
Annie Edison: [gasp]