Penny: [calling Leonard on the phone] Sheldon's in jail.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon's in jail?
Raj Koothrappali: [to Howard] You called it.
Leonard Hofstadter: For what?
Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge.
Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, your honor. Doctor Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That means I am representing myself.
Judge J. Kirby: I know what it means. I went to law school.
Sheldon Cooper: And yet you wound up in traffic court.
Sheldon Cooper: I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailer?
Sheldon Cooper: I need to use the restroom.
Guard: [Motions to cell toilet] Knock yourself out.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the toilet?
Guard: Well, it ain't a wishing well.
Sheldon Cooper: Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.
Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please turn your shirt off?
Raj Koothrappali: What? I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I'm awesome and to be feared.
Howard Wolowitz: Right. There's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who's got music blasting from between his nipples.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Sheldon] Stan Lee or you in court. Uh, if this was Sophie's Choice, it would have been a much shorter movie.
Sheldon Cooper: I object! You're completely ignoring the law!
Judge J. Kirby: No, I'm following the law; I'm ignoring you.
Sheldon Cooper: I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's crazy; Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Which is why no-one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique albeit confusing artifact which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a great idea; I'm going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
Sheldon Cooper: What is it about the the word 'unique' you don't understand?
Sheldon Cooper: This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.
[Penny rings the doorbell]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Lord. You just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. It's Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi or really what's gonna happen so just let me talk and we'll...
[the door opens]
Stan Lee: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Oh damn.
Penny: Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you'd just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon Cooper: You said we *were* invited.
Penny: Oh, no no, I said I'm inviting *you* to come with *me* to Stan Lee's house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fanboys are unbelievable! Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don't you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
[walks in. Stan Lee stares at Penny]
Penny: Sir, he doesn't really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie! Call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
[Penny runs away]
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my "Journey into Mystery" 83, first appearance of Thor, or my "Fantastic Four" number 5, first appearance of Dr. Doom.
[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Jeopardy!' "Think!" music]
Leonard Hofstadter: Alex, I'm gonna go with "What is... you're a dumbass?"
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!
Howard Wolowitz: You *are* guilty.
[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Law & Order' "thunk thunk" sound; Raj, Howard and Leonard snicker with laughter]
Howard Wolowitz: That one I liked.
Howard Wolowitz: Ouch! Ew, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj Koothrappali: Obviously you don't remember your circumcision.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] Sweet.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I get to hang out with him again... at the hearing. This is going to look great, hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Penny?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
[Penny immediately opens the door]
Penny: [knock knock knock] Penny?
Sheldon Cooper: That's just wrong.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon Cooper: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard Wolowitz: There, there must be thousands of dollars here! Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't trust banks. I believe when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.