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Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011) Poster

Quotes

Hannah: Will you take off your shirt... fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!

Liz: Your life is so PG-13.

Jacob: The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.

Cal: How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.

Emily: I want a divorce.

Cal: [at the same time] Creme brulee.

Cal: [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart] Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?

Jacob: Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

Cal: Cal

[annoyed]

Cal: No! It's not!

Jacob: Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.

Cal: Cal: Okay. It bothers me.

Jacob: Jacob: I don't care.

Jacob: I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.

Cal: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?

Cal's Boss: Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.

Cal: Oh...

Cal's Boss: Thank God, man... *laughing*

Cal: Yeah, just my relationship...

Hannah: [after kissing him passionately] Do you remember me?

Jacob: [fazed by the kiss] Yeah.

Hannah: Do you still find me attractive?

Jacob: Yes.

Hannah: Do you still want to take me home?

Jacob: Yeah.

Hannah: Let's go.

Cal: I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...

Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

Cal: [Carefully looks at himself on mirror and sighs... ] Yes, it is.

Cal: I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.

Emily: I miss you.

Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with.

Cal: Sexually?

Jacob: Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.

Bernie Riley: Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.

Cal: What?

Bernie Riley: She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.

Kate: Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!

Jacob: I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?

Jacob: I don't know whether to help you or euthanize you.

Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?

Cal: No.

Jacob: Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

Kate: As you know Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth grade English class.

[gets up and writes on blackboard]

Kate: Asshole. You're familiar with that word, Mrs Weaver?

Emily: Yes, I am and I've spoken to the Principal...

Kate: Asshole. As in someone who tells a woman he'll call and never does. Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of shit, like the rest of them.

Emily: [looking at Cal] This is not about Robbie...

Kate: Asshole. Someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous!

Emily: Ewww!

Hannah: I'm here to bang the hot guy who hit on me at the bar.

Jacob: Jacob.

Hannah: Jacob! Sorry, Jacob...

Jacob: Do people still say "bang"?

Hannah: I do. And we're gonna bang!

Jessica: Whoa!

Jessica: I'm sorry, I should have knocked first.

Robbie: The thing is, I have a picture of you. I think about you while I'm doing it.

Emily: When I told you when I had to work late? I really went to go see the new Twilight movie by myself, and it was so bad.

Cal: I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.

Cal: [standing in the rain after Emily argues with him] What a cliché.

Jessica: I don't want your slutty money!

Jacob: The bags under your eyes looks like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

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Cal: I have purchased a firearm.

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Robbie: You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they're both wearing - I think it stands for "asshole." Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I'm sorry about all the "assholes."

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Robbie: [in a text to Jessica] Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They seem happy together.

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Robbie: If you love her, then go get her back.

Cal: Wow, how old are you?

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Kate: What do you want to do with me?

Cal: I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!

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Jacob: Who looks like a carrot?

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Kate: I'm five years sober asshole!

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Cal: Are you pointing at me?

Robbie: You're pointing at him?

Emily: She's pointing at him? OH!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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