Jacob: I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?
Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.
Cal: [Carefully looks at himself on mirror and sighs... ] Yes, it is.
Hannah: I'm here to bang the hot guy who hit on me at the bar.
Hannah: Jacob! Sorry, Jacob...
Jacob: Do people still say "bang"?
Hannah: I do. And we're gonna bang!
Jacob: I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.
Jacob: The bags under your eyes looks like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.
Cal: I have purchased a firearm.
Jacob: I don't know whether to help you or euthanize you.
Cal: How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.
Emily: I want a divorce.
Cal: [at the same time] Creme brulee.
Jessica: I'm sorry, I should have knocked first.
Robbie: The thing is, I have a picture of you. I think about you while I'm doing it.
Robbie: You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they're both wearing - I think it stands for "asshole." Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid assholes. And this book is just about a bunch of assholes who fell in love, like assholes, then had to die, like assholes. I'm sorry about all the "assholes."
Robbie: [in a text to Jessica] Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They seem happy together.
Jacob: The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
Kate: What do you want to do with me?
Cal: I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!
Cal: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?
Cal's Boss: Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.
Cal's Boss: Thank God, man... *laughing*
Cal: Yeah, just my relationship...
Emily: When I told you when I had to work late? I really went to go see the new Twilight movie by myself, and it was so bad.
Cal: I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.
Emily: I miss you.
Liz: Your life is so PG-13.
Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with.
Jacob: Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
Cal: I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.
Bernie Riley: Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.
Bernie Riley: She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.
Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
Jacob: Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.
Hannah: [after kissing him passionately] Do you remember me?
Jacob: [fazed by the kiss] Yeah.
Hannah: Do you still find me attractive?
Hannah: Do you still want to take me home?
Hannah: Let's go.
Hannah: Will you take off your shirt... fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!
Kate: As you know Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth grade English class.
[gets up and writes on blackboard]
Kate: Asshole. You're familiar with that word, Mrs Weaver?
Emily: Yes, I am and I've spoken to the Principal...
Kate: Asshole. As in someone who tells a woman he'll call and never does. Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of shit, like the rest of them.
Emily: [looking at Cal] This is not about Robbie...
Kate: Asshole. Someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous!
Jacob: Who looks like a carrot?
Cal: [standing in the rain after Emily argues with him] What a cliché.
Kate: I'm five years sober asshole!
Kate: Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!
Jessica: I don't want your slutty money!
Cal: I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...
Cal: [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart] Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?
Jacob: Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?
Cal: No! It's not!
Jacob: Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.
Cal: Cal: Okay. It bothers me.
Jacob: Jacob: I don't care.