Welcome to the 67th annual Golden Globe Awards, and your host, Ricky Gervais. You may know him as the man who created The Office, he notes. Or, no you don't, you think Steve Carell created The Office. (And a few more minutes of shilling for his old BBC show, with DVD prop.)
"I'm going to be making the most of this viewing opportunity, I'm not used to these (ratings) figures," he says. "Let's face it, neither is NBC."
Gratuitous cosmetic surgery joke with a cruel cut to Meryl Streep follows.
He continues: "It's an honor to be here in a room full of what I consider to be the most important people on the planet: actors."
And, finally, "let's get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno."
Nicole Kidman is the first presenter and opens with a serious pitch to help Haiti. The winner for best supporting actress is... Mo'Nique for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire . She chokes backs tears as she starts by thanking God and saying she had no speech prepared. She closes with an encouragement to survivors of abuse to speak up.
And then a few people come out and try to be funny.
Matthew Fox and Sofia Vergara present Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical (TV) to... Toni Collette for United States of Tara.
She mentions that the first time she came to the Globes 15 years ago she missed her category because she was on the loo. Then she thanks everyone by name and says a cheery good-bye.
Jim Parsons and Lauren Graham introduce Mavis Spencer as Miss Golden Globe, daughter of Alfre Woodard and Roderick Spencer (writer). Then onto Best Supporting Actor for TV, which goes to....John Lithgow for Dexter.
His speech notes everyone on Dexter and cuts to Michael C. Hall as he says he's enjoyed creeping out the country for the past six months.
On to Paul McCartney (random cut to Mike Tyson in the audience). He's presenting Best Animated movie. "Animation is not just for children," he says, "it is also for adults who take drugs." Then he noted that the Beatles' animated movie, Yellow Submarine, will be coming out soon. The winner is...Up.
Kate Hudson comes out to introduce the first clip of a Best Picture Musical or Comedy. Her movie: Nine.
Back to Ricky Gervais, who slips in a plug for his movie, The Invention of Lying, which happens to be out on DVD Tuesday. Then, "one thing that can't be bought is a Golden Globe -- officially." Pause for laughter, then, "What? I'm not going to do this again anyhow."
Felicity Huffman botches her introduction to a non-profit related to the Golden Globes and we greet some guy that no one watching has heard of as he talks flatly about the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
Neil Patrick Harris and Jane Krakowski are up to introduce Best Actor in a TV Series - Drama and note they went into comedy and musicals because of their enormous foreheads. Michael C. Hall wins for Dexter, getting a big smooch from his wife, who costars as his sister.
"It's really a hell of a thing to go to work where everybody gives a damn," he says with a big lipstick smooch on his cheek.
Then Best Actress in a TV Series - Drama goes to...Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife.
She gets a little lost on her circuitous route to the stage, but gets in a bonus congrats smack from George Clooney, her former ER costar.
"I just want to say thank you to Les Moonves and (CBS prez of entertainment) Nina Tassler for believing in the 10 o'clock drama," she says.
Harrison Ford is up next to introduce clips from Up in the Air. He seems a bit jet-lagged.
Then Cher, in floor-length black, and Christina Aguilera, in floor length cream, presented Best Original Song - Motion Picture, which goes to The Weary Kind, the theme from Crazy Heart by T-Bone Burnett. Christina asked, rhetorically, why they were chosen to present this award. Cher said that it was because they were "shamelessly promoting Burlesque" (their upcoming movie), and that they were not the only ones who are "shameless tonight".
Then Best Original Score for a movie goes to Michael Giacchino for Up. He's blown away that, on his way up, Paul McCartney said "Go, Michael."
Amy Adams and Josh Brolin present Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Grey Gardens on HBO.
Then, moving right along, Tom Hanks comes out to introduce the movie Julie and Julia, saying, "This is the Meryl Streep movie where she doesn't end up in bed with Alec Baldwin, but does with Stanley Tucci -- by any measure, a substantial move up." He gets a mixture of gasps and laughs.
Ricky Gervais comes out for the serious bit saying that the Globes break down stereotypes and one stereotype he hates is that all Irishmen are all "drunk, sweary hellraisers". And then he introduces Colin Farrell, who reads the nominees Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical.
As he reads Meryl's name he says she was "nominated greedily" for a second role. She wins for her portrayal of Julia Child in Julie and Julia.
"I want to change my name to T-Bone," she giggles. "T-Bone Streep, I think it sounds good."
She says she appreciated the chance to play an icon and to pay homage to her mother and wraps up with a pitch to help out Haiti.
Helen Mirren introduces the clip of Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.
Then Sam Worthington and Zoe Saldana from Avatar present Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie to...Kevin Bacon for Taking Chance.
He thanks a whole bunch of people by first name and then HBO.
Then Best Actress in a Mini-series or Movie goes to....Drew Barrymore for Grey Gardens. When she finally reaches the stage (lots of tables to navigate around) she mentions that she's been coming to the ballroom since she was seven and Mo'Nique said everything she wanted to say. Then she thanks the director for keeping her from being like Spicoli's girlfriend in the movie and rambles a charming mile a minute.
Cameron Diaz introduces It's Complicated as the movie where Meryl Streep does sleep with Alec Baldwin (soon to be a new imdb.com movie category subhead).
Ricky Gervais introduces the next category (ironically) as a bit of a downer: it's for writers. Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler present Best Original Screenplay to Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner for Up In the Air.
Jason first acknowledges Quentin Tarantino and then all his actors, noting that George Clooney would rather be in a room somewhere setting up phone banks for Haiti. This is an allusion to the Hope for Haiti telethon occurring 5 days later.
Best Actor in a Comedy TV, as presented by Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner, announces Alec Baldwin has won. But he's not there, due to a previously scheduled charity event.
Samuel L. Jackson struts forth to introduce Inglourious Basterds, the "feel good movie of the year."
He sticks around to introduce Sofia Loren and everyone in the room stands to pay homage to the "real live movie star." What was Ricky Gervais just saying about actors being the most important people?
Sophia Loren there to introduce the Best Foreign Language Film. The winner is The White Ribbon, from Germany.
And for something completely different, Zachary Levi and Amy Poehler introduce Best TV Series Drama, which goes to... Mad Men.
Creator Matthew Weiner claims surprise and says that he, too, was in the ballroom when he was seven -- but it was for a bar mitzvah. He sings the praises of TV right now saying his TiVo is burned out.
And it's time for the Twilight portion of the evening when Taylor Lautner presents (500) Days of Summer.
Kristen Bell and Chace Crawford present Best Supporting Actress for TV, a category that covers all TV projects, and has Jane Lynch's bitingly hilarious cheerleading coach of Glee up against Janet McTeer playing Winston Churchill's wife.
And the winner is... Chloe Sevigny, who plays one of several polygamist wives in the HBO drama Big Love.
She's thrown when the stair-helper guy steps on the train of her ruffly dress, saying she didn't expect to have her dress ripped. She then begins to thank her costars and family.
Ricky Gervais comes back and seems to take a swig of beer before reassuring the crowd we're on the home stretch and brings out Halle Berry.
She presents Best Supporting Actor in a movie to Christoph Waltz. He made an analogy between the size of his acting world ("globe") before Quentin cast him, and now after the global success of Inglourious Basterds his "globe" has expanded to include a golden one. He devotes most of his speech to praising Quentin Tarantino.
Robert DeNiro takes the stage for the Cecil B DeMille Award to Martin Scorsese. "For the first 20 years or so of our careers, Marty and I made movie after movie together. For the last 10, we've been mostly presenting each other with awards."
In addressing Scorsese's love of film, DeNiro says he hears there "are videos on the internet of Marty having sex with film (cut to Scorsese nodding sheepishly). A hot reel of 35 mm stock, black and white emulsion, upside down, hard to pass up, eh Marty?"
Leonardo DiCaprio takes over, calling him his "mentor" and setting up a series of clips from, well, darn near every movie Scorsese ever made, with disproportionate footage of his upcoming movie, Shutter Island. It closes with a quote from Scorsese: "Movies are the memories of our lifetime. We need to keep them alive."
He gets a standing O on his way to the stage. He thanks "Bob and Leo" for their introductions and then mentions that every movie takes 200 or 300 people, all of whom he wants to thank, but, mercifully, not by name. He gives a nod to the HFPA (Hollywood Foreign Press Association) for helping to preserve old movies.
Scorsese gets to talk as long as he wants, and focuses mostly on how grateful he is for his place in film history.
Jodie Foster (hey, welcome back, Jodie!) introduces The Hurt Locker.
Ricky takes the podium again with his pint in hand, saying "I've had a couple, I'm not going to lie."
He says he hopes he hasn't offended anyone here tonight, pointing to the beer for blame. "I like a drink as much as the next man," he says, stifling laughter, "unless the next man is Mel Gibson."
Luckily, Mel comes out laughing (and faking drunk for a moment) to present Best Director (a category that pits ex-spouses Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron against each other). And the winner is...James Cameron.
(Cut to Bigelow, clapping gamely.)
He starts out by saying he's going to make this as brief as possible because he has to "pee something fierce." He also says he thought Bigelow would win it. He thanks the artists and the actors and then indulges in a little self-reverence as he speaks in Pandoran and quotes his own movie.
He closes by thanking the spouses for waiting patiently while they made the movie.
Olivia Wilde and Kiefer Sutherland present Best TV Series - Comedy. The Globe goes to...Glee.
We're treated to some cast cover of Journey's "Streetlight" as the cast takes the stage. Creator Ryan Murphy thanks the HFPA and Barbra Streisand.
"This is for anybody and everybody who got a wedgie in high school," he says.
And now we find out why Tyson is there. He takes the stage with "The Hangover" cast including Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Justin Barha to set up that film's clips.
Reese Witherspoon recaps Best Movie Comedy or Musical and announces the winner is...The Hangover. And there you have it folks, the future answer to the trivia question "What Golden Globe-winning movie featured Mike Tyson?"
The cast takes the stage to Ed Helms singing the tiger song from the movie. Todd Phillips thanks his mom for supporting his directing dream after she realized he wasn't as smart as his two sisters.
Arnold Schwarzenegger introduces Avatar, noting how much money James Cameron has made on it. "The only way he can make more is if he's hired by NBC, or if he's fired by NBC."
Mickey Rourke comes out next in a fedora and introduces the Best Actress in a Drama category. The Globe goes to...Sandra Bullock.
She thanks the HFPA for letting her step over "to the other side" and quotes Michael Oher, the subject of the film, and all the people who worked on it. She addresses her German family in German and, "to my American family, put down the Maker's Mark, go to bed."
Last year's Best Actress winner Sally Hawkins (Happy-go-Lucky) comes out to present Best Actor in a Movie - Comedy or Musical. The Globe goes to...Robert Downey Jr. for Sherlock Holmes.
He opens by saying, "If you start playing violins, I will tear this joint apart." He then goes on to thank his wife for telling him that morning that Matt Damon was going to win, so don't bother to prepare a speech. He notes how everyone is mentioning the collaborating and all the people they want to thank, but says he won't do that because "they needed me. Avatar was going to take us to the cleaners, if they didn't have me, we didn't have a shot, buddy. What am I going to do, thank Joel Silver? The guy's only restarted my career 12 times since I began 25 years ago."
Then it's time for Kate Winslet to present Best Actor for a Movie - Drama. The Globe goes to...Jeff Bridges.
He gets a standing O and jokes to his clapping peers: "You're really screwing up my under-appreciated status." He thanks his wife and his dad, Lloyd Bridges, and tells him his mom used to take him to cha-cha dancing in the ballroom. He compliments his director Scott Cooper for creating a good "vibe."
Julia Roberts is there to present the final award of the evening, Best Movie - Drama. And the winner is... Avatar.
Someone other than James Cameron says the thanks, which means no Pandoran. At least until Cameron takes over, saying that he went to the bathroom and is going to take his time. He raves about his peers and calls for a round of self-congratulations for having the best job in the world.
Ricky Gervais closes by stealing from Steve Martin: "If I could have one wish it would be peace on earth... No wait, can I change that? I want everyone to watch the Ricky Gervais show on HBO, it starts the 19th of February."