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"Alice" Episode #1.1 (TV Episode 2009) Poster

(TV Mini-Series)

(2009)

Quotes

Hatter: Trust me. I know a thing or two about liking people, and in time, after much chocolate and cream cake, 'like' turns into 'what was his name again?'.

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Alice: I have a little money, but I understand you don't use that here.

Hatter: Pieces of paper!

[whispers]

Hatter: Pointless.

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Hatter: [Referring to the White Knight] OK, he's as mad as a box of frogs.

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Hatter: Do you know why they call me 'Hatter'?

Alice: Because you wear a hat?

Hatter: ...No.

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Alice: Who are you?

Hatter: A friend. I hope.

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Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a... very wet dress?

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Hatter: I thought all you guys were wiped out years ago

White Knight: Well you thought wrong. As you can see I'm fit as a butcher's dog

[slight stiffled cough]

Alice: Are there any others like you?

White Knight: certainly not. I'm a one off! My nana used to say that if I was the only eligable batchelor left in the world

[bends to pick up shovel]

White Knight: there wasnt a warthog or wall flower who'd pollish my escutcheon.

[laughs]

Alice: No I meant are there any other knights in these woods? your... comrads in arms

White Knight: Heavens no, are you mad! we were all wiped out years ago

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Queen of Hearts: Mad March, how are you today?

Mad March: Piss off, you cow.

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Hatter: Oh I see, you don't trust me. I am genuinely hurt!

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Alice: Where are we?

Hatter: The Great Library. There's 5,000 years of history hidden here: art, literature, law. Rescued when the Queen of Hearts seized power. She'd like nothing more than to see this burnt to nothin'.

Alice: Who are those poor people?

Hatter: Refugees. Those who don't want to be a part of the Queen's world of instant gratification. We give them shelter and try feed them the best we can, but it is dangerous. If the Queen found out, they wouldn't stand a chance.

Alice: Why does she want to destroy all of this?

Hatter: Wisdom is her biggest threat. She controls people with a quick fix.

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Queen of Hearts: [demanding to see the rejuvenated Mad March, her favorite assassin] Well? Where is he? I don't see him.

Carpenter: Uh, before I present Mad March, I feel I should warn - er, prepare you...

Queen of Hearts: What?

Carpenter: In the interest of expediency, I've had to make some... technical adjustments.

King of Hearts: What *are* you talking about?

Carpenter: ...Short cuts?

Queen of Hearts: [dangerously] How short?

[the Carpenter tries to explain, gives up, sighs, and turns to the door. It opens to reveal Mad March, who now has an animatronic porcelain rabbit head that was formerly a cookie jar]

Queen of Hearts: [rising from her throne] What on Earth have you done to him?

Carpenter: Think of him as a... hybrid, Majesty. In many ways he is better than before.

King of Hearts: We don't need a user manual, do we? I hate user manuals.

Carpenter: [the Queen approaches Mad March] Uh, not too close... he's still finding his way.

Queen of Hearts: [circling Mad March] Does he have all his old skills? Forensics, tracking, homicidal mania?

Carpenter: I believe so.

Queen of Hearts: Believe so?

Carpenter: There wasn't much time for testing.

Queen of Hearts: Does he speak?

[Carpenter shrugs helplessly]

Queen of Hearts: Let's try him out, then.

[slowly and loudly]

Queen of Hearts: Mad March. How are you today?

Mad March: [with a mechnical, Bronx-accented voice] Piss... off... you... cow.

[everyone looks, terrified, at the Queen for her reaction]

Queen of Hearts: [delighted] Excellent!

[laughs]

Queen of Hearts: He's good as new!

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Carpenter: The time has come Walrus, old friend, to test our many stills. The oohs, the aahs, the healing drops, the passions, thrills, and to see how joy, and awe, and lust can all be turned to pills.

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Hatter: Do you know why they call me Hatter?

Alice: Because you wear a hat?

Hatter: No. Because I'm always there when they pass the hat, so to speak.

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Alice: This?

Hatter: That's not going to come off. Sorry.

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Rat Catcher: She's Alice! Tell him who you are!

Hatter: Wow! Really? woooo! Ratty here thinks you're Alice. Of Legend

Alice: Who?

Hatter: The last uhm, the last time a girl called Alice came here from your world she brought down the whole House of Cards. Oh yeah. Made quite an impression. Although, it was 150 years ago. It can't be the same girl. Oysters don't even live that long.

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Hatter: Warning. Don't take it on an empty stomach and only one tiny little drop at a time otherwise the experience might burst your shriveled up little heart. Got it?

Rat Catcher: Got it.

Hatter: Good. Go.

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Alice: Oysters were drained? What do you mean drained?

Hatter: Ratty tells me you're looking for someone.

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Hatter: Pieces of paper? Pointless.

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Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? Oh, I see. You don't trust me. Fine! I am genuinely hurt!

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Hatter: [while on a horse together, Alice leans back away from Hatter] Are you comfortable?

Alice: No.

Hatter: Lean into me. Let me take the weight.

Alice: [harshly] I'm good.

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Hatter: He's mad as a box of frogs.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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