Leslie Knope: All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit!
Ann Perkins: Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun. It's a tabloid. Nobody else has written about it.
Tom Haverford: Yeah, nobody believes that garbage. Nobody believes that thing.
Donna Meagle: [Outside the room; walks forward and puts the tabloid on the window facing Leslie] Leslie! WHAT? Nice work, girl!
Leslie Knope: How do I fight back? Give me some options.
April Ludgate: Do you... want me to seduce Perd Hapley?
Leslie Knope: How would that help?
April Ludgate: I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.
Leslie Knope: I appreciate that but I don't know if it's something worth losing your virginity over.
Leslie Knope: So let's talk sched, guys. Um, the kids are gonna come at 9AM on Saturday, and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours, so I would just advise everyone before you get into your costume to go to the bathroom so we can avoid what happened last year.
Jerry Gergich: It was just farts.