[Coming up to a crime scene where a biker is tied to a tree, pants pulled down with a bloody crotch area]
Detective Elliot Stabler: Dispatcher's a comedian. He wrote this up as a sexually mutilated tree-hugger.
Dr. Melinda Warner: [Referring to victims genitals] Someone did some illegal pruning. Left the berries, chopped the branch clean off.
Detective Elliot Stabler: Perp take it as a trophy?
Dr. Melinda Warner: Thought so at first, then CSU saw a squirrel run up that tree with it.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: I thought squirrels preferred nuts.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Cragen tells Elliot to kick in a door, which Elliot's just busted his foot doing] I tried that already, either I'm getting older or the door's getting stronger.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [Telling Benson about the victim missing genitalia] Clyde Vandyne, our dead biker with the missing kickstand.
[to Stabler, after Benson is arrested for murder]
Lt. Ed Tucker: You know, where there's one dirty cop, the partner's usually dirty, too. The only reason you're not in the hot seat is because I don't have anything on you. Yet.
Detective Olivia Benson: Munch was right, Big Brother IS watching.
Detective Elliot Stabler: [looks in Olivia's fridge] You have absolutely no food in here.
Detective Olivia Benson: There's this great thing, it's called delivery.
Detective Olivia Benson: I lived in New York all my life, I never needed a car. Then I guess I hit a midlife crisis.
Captain Donald Cragen: What else did you hit?
[finds a large dent on the front of her car]
Detective Olivia Benson: Captain, I haven't driven this car in a month!
Detective Elliot Stabler: Are you okay?
Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah... I think I'm finally getting over this flu.
Captain Donald Cragen: It's all fun and games til somebody losese a penis.
[Munch and Fin are at Death Knights Clubhouse]
Sergeant John Munch: What's wrong with you people?
Skull Dawg: You're blocking my shot.
Sergeant John Munch: If somebody cut off my buddy's manhood, I'd be tripping all over myself to help get the guy.
Gutter: Nobody here is gonna suck to the bulls. We'll handle this in-house.
Detective Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola: Then we're just gonna have to put eyes on you guys 24/7. You think that'll be good for business?
Skull Dawg: What business? We're a friendly bike club, man.
Sergeant John Munch: Did anyone ever point out to you the grammatical error in your logo? The apostrophe is extraneous.
Skull Dawg: [Slam pool cue down on table] Listen, Skeletor, get your bony ass out of here before someone mistakes you for a pool stick.