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The Guard (2011) Poster

(2011)

Quotes

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, these men are armed and dangerous, and you being an FBI agent you're more used to shooting at unarmed women and children...

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Oh, fuck you, Sergeant!

Gerry Stanton: [while Clive Cornell is handing the bent coppers a briefcase of money] It's all there, yeah?

Clive Cornell: Excuse me?

Gerry Stanton: It's all there?

Clive Cornell: No, it's not. I've skimmed a couple of grand off the top.

Gerry Stanton: What?

Clive Cornell: 'Course it's fucking all there. This is the pay-off, yeah? We pay you off, you and your pals keep your fucking noses out of our business. That's the dynamic in this situation. Why the fuck would I then cheat you out your money? Eh? Why would I do that? That doesn't make any sense. That'd defeat the entire purpose of the fucking interaction. Fuck me!

[walks away angrily]

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: There were gay lads in the IRA?

Colum Hennessey: Mmm... one or two.

[Shrugs]

Colum Hennessey: It was the only way we could successfully infiltrate the MI5.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: You know, I can't tell if you're really motherfuckin' dumb, or really motherfuckin' smart.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Are the lights growing dim?

Liam O'Leary: Don't mock me.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: It's good enough for ya.

Liam O'Leary: There's so many... so many things I wanted to do.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Like what for fuck's sake? Running with the bulls at Pamplona?

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I'm Irish. Racism is part of my culture.

Detective: Like a donkey fucking a hippopotamus, it's party time.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: What are you reading?

Eileen Boyle: Oh.

[Shows Oblomov by Ivan Goncharov]

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Never got into the Russians. They take too long getting to the fecking point.

Eileen Boyle: Not even Dostoevsky, no?

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Come on now, he was the main offender.

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FBI agent Wendell Everett: [Sergeant Boyle and FBI agent Wendell are driving at night. Boyle asks a question in a friendly manner, idle chat as getting to know each other. FBI agent answers] Two boys. Stocken is five years old and Hughie has just turned three months old. I've got a picture of them.

Sergeant Gerry BoyleFBI agent Wendell Everett: [Boyle interrupts quickly] Don't want to see it.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: [agent seems confused] Excuse me?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: [straight faced copper explains] I don't want to see it. Babies all look the same. The only time a baby doesn't look like every other baby is when it's a really ugly baby. So unless you're about to show me a photo of a really ugly baby then I don't want to see it.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: That's pretty fucking rude.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Maybe it is maybe it isn't.

Garda Aidan McBride: [Sergent Boyle is stroking the crotch of the dead victim] I don't think that's appropriate.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Why don't you fuck off to America with your appropriate, fuckin' Barrack Obama.

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FBI agent Wendell Everett: You have anybody you want me to call?

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Nah, I don't have anybody. Just pin a medal on my body like those boys coming home from Iraq.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Fuck you again Sergeant.

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Francis Sheehy: Who was up there firing that cannon?

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: The FBI lad, probably hadn't had this much fun since they burned all those kids up in Waco.

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FBI agent Wendell Everett: [at a house during Boyle's "day off"] How you doin', ma'am. Special Agent Wendell Everett, Federal Bureau of Investigation. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?

Woman at Bartley's House: [in Irish] Bartley! There's a black man at the door!

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Oh. You don't... you don't speak any English, huh?

Bartley: [in Irish] What can I do for you?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: And... *you* don't speak any English.

Bartley: [in Irish] This is Ireland. Go over to England if you want to speak English.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: I just wanna show you a few pictures, see if you've... seen any of these men in the last few days? This gentleman...

Bartley: [in Irish] No, I haven't. And even if I had, I wouldn't tell you. Now you'll have to excuse me, I have to fix this lamp. It was a birthday present from my aunt in Australia. Good day to you.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: ...is there anyone else here I -

[door is shut in his face]

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Listen, something's come up, and I'm not just talking about my cock.

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Garda Aidan McBride: I'm on it sarge.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: "I'm on it Sarge." He thinks he's in fuckin' Detroit.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: This is a Gaelic speaking region. Did they not teach you that at Langley?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: No, they did not teach us that at Langley. For the simple fact that Langley is the CIA, you idiot, not the FBI!

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I thought black people couldn't ski. Or is that swimming?

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I thought only black lads were drug dealers?

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Gabriela McBride: He's gay. Like when one man put's his...

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I'm familiar with the mechanics of it, yea.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I'm Irish sir. Racism is part of my culture.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: You've taken' somethin'.

Eugene Moloney: I have not.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: You've taken somethin'. You didn't even act surprised, for fuck sake!

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Garda Aidan McBride: You got a call from Galway. You're to head in tonight to attend a briefing from a fella who's over from the FBI. Special Agent Wendell Everett.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: So what?

Garda Aidan McBride: Maybe it's about the murder. Maybe he's got a psychological profile on the killer or something.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: It's drug smuggling. Either that or they've had another fuckin' sighting of Whitey Bulger at some fuckin' museum.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Like the fat man said, if you have to be careful not to drink too much, it's because you're not to be trusted when you do.

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Clive Cornell: It's not often you come across that kind of integrity in our business. Yeah, we can't have that.

Francis Sheehy: [looking at O'Leary] We'll have to make sure he's out of harm's way.

Liam O'Leary: Why's it always me, though?

Clive Cornell: Because you're a psychopath.

Liam O'Leary: I'm a sociopath, not a psychopath. They explained that to me.

Francis Sheehy: What's the difference?

Liam O'Leary: Don't know. It's a tricky one.

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Clive Cornell: [at the aquarium] I like sharks. They're soothing.

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Liam O'Leary: [holding a gun on him] You should get a dog. Or a parrot, maybe. Something to raise the alarm, you know. Ned Kelly had a peacock.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I've always wanted a giraffe.

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[last lines]

Man With Camera: Didn't you foil a drug-trafficking operation and knock off a trio of drug barons to boot? What's unhappy about that?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Lost a good man.

Man With Camera: I wouldn't be too sure about that now. I mean, they never recovered a body, did they?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: It's a big sea out there. He's dead. Either burned up or drowned.

Eugene Moloney: But he was a really good swimmer.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: I'm sorry, son, that was just bullshit. He weren't never in the Olympics.

Man With Camera: Maybe so. Sure it's easy enough to look up anyways.

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[first lines]

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: [red car speeds past his speed trap, tires screech, car crashes]

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: [finds drugs in the pocket of dead teen] I don't think your mammy would be too pleased about that now.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: [walks aside and swallows one of the pills] What a beautiful fuckin' day.

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Aidan McBride: [entering the pub] Little early for a drink. You're still on duty. You've been gone all afternoon.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: [playing a video game] You gonna continue to make a series of declarative statements, or are you gonna fuckin' tell me something?

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: [interrupting the briefing] I thought only black lads were drug dealers?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: I'm sorry, what?

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I thought only black lads were drug dealers? And Mexicans. What do they call them. They have a word for them.

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Yeah, there's a word for you too, sir. But I'm not gonna go into that right now. Anyway, as I was saying, these men are highly dangerous...

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: [blurting out] Mules. Drug mules.

Gerry Stanton: That's enough of your guff now, Boyle. Apologize to the man.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Huh? Apologize for what?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: For your racist slurs, for one thing.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I'm Irish, racism is part of my culture.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: [answering the door] Ah, listen, I think there's been a mix-up. You've the wrong night.

Gabriela McBride: I'm sorry?

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: You're from the agency?

Gabriela McBride: No. My husband is missing.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Oh, I'm sorry. Come in, come in.

[realizing he has no pants on]

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: I'll just slip into something a little less comfortable.

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Sinead Mulligan: Now it can be revealed. I have very small breasts.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: That's okay, I have a very small penis.

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Clive Cornell: I fuckin' hate bent coppers, I swear to God.

Francis Sheehy: Did they try something?

Clive Cornell: No, they didn't try something.

Liam O'Leary: What's the problem, then?

Clive Cornell: I'm just fuckin' sick and tired of the kind of people we have to deal with in this business.

Liam O'Leary: What do you expect? We're drug traffickers.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: It's not as if you're that hard to please.

Eileen Boyle: Yeah, that's what they said to me at the orgy.

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Gerry Stanton: You know when you hear tell about someone being liquidated, you know, by the mob, like?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Mm.

Gerry Stanton: What does that actually mean?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Means they've been killed. I mean, what else would it mean?

Gerry Stanton: Yeah, I know that. But does it mean they've actually been turned into liquid?

FBI agent Wendell Everett: Heh, heh, heh. Turned into liquid.

[realizing he's serious]

FBI agent Wendell Everett: No. Just killed.

Gerry Stanton: Yeah, I suppose turning someone into liquid would be too time-consuming, huh? Take ages.

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Sergeant Gerry Boyle: What's a derringer?

Colum Hennessey: It's like a baby gun. One of the gay lads used to... used to like secreting it on his person, you know.

Sergeant Gerry Boyle: There were gay lads in the IRA?

Colum Hennessey: There are one or two. Well, it was the only way we could successfully infiltrate the MI5.

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Francis Sheehy: [dropping his binoculars] Nothing. Tomorrow night's sell, we're good to go.

[thumbs up]

Clive Cornell: I fuckin' hate that.

Francis Sheehy: What?

Clive Cornell: Americanisms. "Good to go."

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Clive Cornell: [loading in drug shipment] Where the fuck did you find those three?

Francis Sheehy: Oh, I put an ad in the paper saying, "Henchmen wanted."

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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