Skipper: I don't like it. What do you make of it, Kowalski?
Kowalski: I'm not sure, Skipper. It could be anything.
Skipper: Oh really? Could it be Alaska?
Kowalski: Nooo... Its probably not A...
Skipper: Are you saying that Alaska might be stuck upside down to the clock tower of my zoo?
Kowalski: I guess...
Skipper: Because I think people would notice if the entire state of Alaska just packed up and moved to the zoo.
Kowalski: Alright! Maybe it couldn't be anything!
Skipper: I'm sorry, boys. I sometimes resort to sarcasm when facing the unknown.
Kowalski: No duh.
[the penguins are fishing for condiments from a hot dog cart]
Kowalski: Onions, Skipper?
Skipper: No, thanks. I'm after the big catch: the elusive Polish sauerkraut.
Skipper: Hello, sauerkraut!
[the hot dog vendor closes the door on Skipper's line]
Skipper: Whoa, big fella!
[Skipper falls as the cart moves and pulls him out of the tree]
Skipper: You win this round, sauerkraut!
Private: It's Skipper! Skipper?
Kowalski: That's not Skipper, at least not anymore. You heard the doctor. That infection did things to his brain. Horrible things!
Private: What kind of horrible things?
Kowalski: From the looks of it, I'd say horrible zombie things.
Private: Is he dangerous?
Kowalski: Oh, you bet your succulent cerebral cortex he is. Just try to avoid eye contact, wear something to protect the brain area, and move slowly towards the...
[Skipper lunges forward]
Kowalski: Ah! It's trying to devour us all!
Private: He's eating Rico's brain!
Kowalski: Rico's? I mean, have you even looked at this big, juicy, jumbo genius tenderloin? That's grade-A science brain, baby!
Kowalski: [the penguins pile up to try to peek through the window] All right, Private, describe exactly what you see.
Private: Um... a wall, possibly brick.
Kowalski: No mercy this time, guys. Rico, see if you can shut off your conscience and sense of common decency.
[Rico grabs a chainsaw and laughs maniacally]
Hornet #1: Hey! Who pokes things? You like poke, ve poke, okay? I sting your face!
Kowalski: It's a hornet's nest, Skipper.
Hornet #1: Ooh, look who vin prize! You know vat prize is? I sting your face!
Skipper: Easy, stingtail. We don't want any trouble. We're just questioning your choice of nest location.
Hornet #1: I have question for you. Knock knock.
Skipper: Who's there?
Hornet #1: I sting your face!
Skipper: Okay, so they surprised us the first time. They took away our greatest weapons: stealth and superior tactics. But that ain't gonna happen twice.
Skipper: [Later, as they are chased away by the hornets] It happened twice! It happened twice!
Private: [Kowalski slaps him] No, you've got to put more emotion into it. Like you're disappointed, but you also care.
[Rico slaps him]
Private: Yes, that's it! Just like Skipper used to do it.
Skipper: Stop! Stop!
Private: The zombie can speak!
Skipper: I'm... not a zombie.
Kowalski: But the infection. We heard the doctor say...
Skipper: Who are you gonna believe, some two-bit medicine man, or your own commanding officer?
Private: Can it really be true?
Kowalski: But how can we know for sure?
[Rico holds up chainsaw]
Private: Oh, Rico. Chainsaw's your answer to everything.
Skipper: Men, amigos, my brothers in black and white. Look at me! All I've got is a broken wing, and I'm pretty sure that's not contagious.
Private: Then why were you chasing us?
Skipper: Because it itches like sandpaper underpants. Rico, scratch maneuvers, double time.
[Rico approaches Skipper]
Private: No, Rico!
[the others tackle Skipper]
Kowalski: Nice try, zombie!
[They fall off the roof; cut to them in the vet's office]
Skipper: Okay, I stand corrected on the contagiousness of broken wings, but I did tell you I wasn't a zombie.
Skipper: Remember, the condiments are more scared of you than you are of them.
Skipper: This does not wash! We're penguins, they're insects. We've got the size advantage.
Private: But Skipper, they've got the owie advantage.
Private: We can't take out their nest without entering a world of pain.
Skipper: Kowalski, were are we on eliminating pain?
Kowalski: Way ahead of you, Skipper. I have been perfecting a pain elimination helmet.
[Puts on helmet and taps it to activate it]
Kowalski: As you will see, the nerve inhibiting matrix will provide 100% protection from any kind of...
[Lets a cinder block fall on his flipper]
Kowalski: Aah! It's not perfected! Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad!
Private: Is he gone?
Kowalski: No sign of him - Aaah!
Private: What was that for?
Kowalski: I just assumed he was going to pop out of no- Look behind you!
Kowalski: And once again I appear to be mistaken. Hmm. Guess it just goes to show you can never tell...
[Suddenly Skipper pops up beneath them, and they all run away screaming]
Kowalski: Okay, let's get stupid!
[Turns on degausser on Private; he falls unconscious]
Kowalski: Private? Are you all right?
Skipper: Rico, my medical supplies.
[Rico coughs up two rubber gloves; Skipper slaps Private with them until he's conscious]
Private: Ooh, is that a cotton candy machine? I like cotton candy.
[Goes to machine and gets shocked]
Kowalski: Eureka! Stupid mission accomplished!
Skipper: All we need to do now is to point him towards the hornet's nest and...
Private: Oh, pretty shiny light machine.
Kowalski: No, not the degausser!
Private: [Turns on degausser and waves it over his head] I'm a disco penguin.
Kowalski: Be careful!
[the degausser drains all of their thoughts; they fall unconscious]
[Rico laughs stupidly]
Mort: The royal feet... are mine! And I will have vengance!
Mort: [Cheerful] Okay, be right back.
Private: Thoughts returning.
Kowalski: Picked up some of Rico's... Ugh! So horrible.
Kowalski: [Hiding from Skipper in the reptile house] Okay, based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small, dark room with creepy lighting.
[Skipper slams against glass]
Kowalski: Everything I've learned is a lie!
Hornet #1: I sting you so hard your great-grandchildren say ouch!
Vet: Now, don't worry, little fella. I know you don't like the big, scary needles. This time we'll use a topical cream instead.
Skipper: Oh, yeah? You try anything and I'll cream your topical!
Skipper: All right, men. We've got an unauthorized gray lump. I need options.
Kowalski: This looks like a job for science!
[Cut to Kowalski poking nest with long stick]
Kowalski: Come on, science. Don't let me down.
Mort: You want me to talk to the bees?
Skipper: Hornets, and talking ain't gonna cut it. We need you to do something more decisive.
Mort: Kisses and huggies?
Kowalski: We... need you... to go up there... and remove... the hornet's... nest!
Mort: Then can I play in the bee's house?