- George: Sorry. D'you live with someone before me?
- Mitchell: What? Yeah, lots of people.
- George: But... Look... WHO?
- Mitchell: Vampires. People-people. I don't know.
- George: People! Oh, I see.
- Mitchell: Oh, God, don't get all... YOU!
- George: What?
- Mitchell: Don't get all YOU about this. Oh, course I've lived with other people. Do you think I've spent the last hundred years waiting for you and your three different types of upholstery cleaner to show up?
- [a dead body has been brought into the hospital and Lucy is certifying death. She notices puncture wounds on the neck]
- Lucy: So, puncture marks in the neck, body exsanguinated - dr-drained of blood. Now, what could that be? Ladies and gentlemen, somewhere in Bristol is a gay vampire.
- Nurse: Count Spectacular.
- Lucy: Mince of Darkness.
- Policeman: I bet he'd like to see MY full moon.
- Ivan: And as soon as they knew about vampires, they'd know about werewolves, they'd know about ghosts. They'd be next. And when humanity had finally finished with us, it would turn on itself. First the other religions, massively in the minority now. Then the homosexuals, the disabled... Do you want to know what the future looks like? Enforced worship in churches a mile high, and every country surrounded by a coral reef of bones. Well, fuck it, maybe it should happen. There's nothing on TV at the moment.
- Mitchell: Someone's been sick in the shop. Some days it's all about the poo, but today everyone's... bein'... sick.
- Sir Terry Wogan: Look, I'm saying tell her about the accident.
- Saul: The accident?
- Sir Terry Wogan: And all the interesting things you saw. It'll make you seem spiritual... and vulnerable. Oh, the ladies go potty for that.
- Quinn: For ten years I've been abetting the slaughter of fathers and mothers and daughters and sons. Herrick said your kind were a facet of nature, like a tiger or an earthquake. You're not. You're just murderers.
- Newsreader: Okay, here's the thing: Annie's dead.
- Saul: W-what?
- Newsreader: Well, it's complicated. She's in limbo. She should be here with us, but she's turned death down and it's pissed off some very important people, and they want her back.
- George: The feast before you now has been specifically designed to combine the best bits of those two iconic meals - Eggs Benedict, choc-ice, can of ginger beer, cigarettes.
- Nina: Breakfast of champions.
- George: Which isn't to say I approve of your smoking. I've just given up the fight on that one.
- Nina: Besides, you've done more to shorten my life expectancy than these ever could.