Sheldon Cooper: Wil Wheaton, my old friend. I've chased you 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round Perdition's Flames!
Raj Koothrappali: You know, you keep quoting "Wrath of Khan" but he was in "Next Generation?" It's a totally different set of characters.
Sheldon Cooper: Silence!
Sheldon Cooper: bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay!
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.
Penny: The problem isn't what's on the inside. It's the creepy candy coating.
Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages.
Howard Wolowitz: Six, if you count Klingon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: [after sex] Wow. You really are a genius.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really. I Googled how to do that.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon Cooper: Photographic is a misnomer; I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times, most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.
Sheldon Cooper: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poo on the handles of my bicycle.
[Howard and Bernadette are out on their first date]
Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science'] Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you going to answer it?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard Wolowitz: [laughs it off] Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard Wolowitz: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old?
Howard Wolowitz: You live with your mother?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. That's the sad part.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard Wolowitz: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd love some.
Howard Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard Wolowitz: It's a date.
[they laugh and clink wine glasses]
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?
[Leonard is asking Penny to set Howard up with one of her friends]
Penny: You mean you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well... I sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up *before* sex.
Penny: OK, I gotta go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Ka, *Ka'a*.
Leonard Hofstadter: How about that? Albert Einstein was wrong.
Leonard Hofstadter: Approaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Points at Howard and Bernadette] Approaching them does.
Howard Wolowitz: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines.
[in Jar Jar Binks accent]
Howard Wolowitz: Choke on that, Sucka!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Well then, I'll just *cut* your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em.
Penny: Um... I have a question.
Leonard Hofstadter: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny.
Howard Wolowitz: Unless you have the Carrot of Power.
Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard Wolowitz: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?
Sheldon Cooper: [screaming] WHEATON! WHEATON! WHEATON!
Stuart Bloom: Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine's coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?
Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.