Axl Heck: Hey, could I drive to school today?
Mike Heck: No, not today. Your mom and I have a lot to do, plus we don't want to die.
Axl Heck: If I don't get to practice driving, I'm never gonna get my license.
Mike Heck: That's why we taught you to walk.
Frankie Heck: Okay, listen, Axl, you're in charge, and I want you to know we trust you.
Axl Heck: Then I should have the car keys in case there's, you know, an emergency.
Frankie Heck: I trust you with the kids, not the car.
Mike Heck: Your problem is you're letting these people control your whole life. Aunt Ginny has a son.
Frankie Heck: Well, you know Travis is in prison. And Aunt Edie's kid fried his brain huffing paint. He's literally the village idiot of Terre Haute.
Mike Heck: What about your mom?
Frankie Heck: Mom's in Des Moines taking care of Grandma.
Mike Heck: How the hell long do people live in your family?
Frankie Heck: You do for family, Mike. That's all there is to it.
Mike Heck: Maybe if you did a little less for family, they'd start dying off, and we could take a damn vacation.
Frankie Heck: [discussing Doris the dog] Hey, the vet says she has to be in a smoke-free environment until she regenerates lung tissue. What could I say?
Mike Heck: So what, now we're not going?
Frankie Heck: I-I don't know. I mean, the kids can't watch her. You can't leave her alone for more than fifteen minutes, or she chokes on her own saliva. And someone has to change the nicotine patch, because she's going through withdrawal.
Frankie Heck: I am so sorry. I just turned off my phone for fifteen minutes.
Cop: You turned off your phone? But you're a mom.
Frankie Heck: I just needed a break.
Cop: From what? Being a mom?
Frankie Heck: No. Well, yes!
[turns to kids]
Frankie Heck: Okay, I have just one question for you. Why didn't a single one of you think to call your father?
Brick Heck: Dad hates it when we call him at work.