Sue Sylvester: [Picking out the minority glee kids] Santana! Wheels! Gay kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!
Sue Sylvester: I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help, but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.
Jacob Ben Israel: The independent polling company in my Dockers has determined you're the hottest girl in the school
Sue Sylvester: Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.
Principal Figgins: Only last Friday at the football game they tried to spell out "GO TEAM" and they spelled out "TO GAME"
Sue Sylvester: When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing.
Will Schuester: That's called a piano, Sue.
Sue Sylvester: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.
Will Schuester: [on why he flunked several of Sue's Cheerios, thus making them academically ineligible for the squad] I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name, and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero!
Jacob Ben Israel: Have you been reading my blog?
Rachel Berry: Of course not. You're a gossip monger and your blog is nothing but trash and lies, many of them about me.
Jacob Ben Israel: Well, you'll be happy to know the one I'm working on right now has nothing to do with you or your rumored lust for Jewfros.
Will Schuester: Who do you think you are?
Sue Sylvester: Well, now you know how it felt for me to have my Cheerios snatched away.
Will Schuester: I can't do a song with three kids!
Sue Sylvester: Not with that attitude.
[first lines; Will and Sue argue in slow-motion]
Will Schuester: [voiceover] How did this happen? I look like a crazy person. That's not me. Wow, I didn't even know the vein on my neck could stick out like that. We've been going at it for a week, ever since the decongestant incident when Figgins brought Sue in to co-run the Glee Club. I'm so ashamed of myself. She's turned me into her.
Sue Sylvester: [voiceover] Look at me. Even in the heat of battle, I'm so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior. God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester.
Will Schuester: [voiceover] Shut up, Sue. Look at us. We're even fighting in our voiceovers. I guess things really started to fall apart a couple of days ago, right after Figgins called us into his office for a sit-down.
Sue Sylvester: This was a particularly interesting find from today's round of locker checks. Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an Eve who was born a Steve? Because if you are, I think there's a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand.
Jacob Ben Israel: Rachel gave them to me so I wouldn't run the Quinn story.
Sue Sylvester: What Quinn story?
Jacob Ben Israel: Quinn Fabray is pregnant.
Sue Sylvester: Not a chance. If my head cheerleader was pregnant, jeopardizing the very future of my Cheerios and thus my teaching tenure, I think she would have come to me. Quinn Fabray respects me, would never lie to me. Never.
Jacob Ben Israel: I have three sources confirming. Please don't expel me. I'll kill the story.
Sue Sylvester: No. Run it.
Sue Sylvester: So, I decided to step down as co-head of Glee.
Will Schuester: Really?
Sue Sylvester: Yeah, it's not for me. It's too fruity. I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion.
Will Schuester: Why do I feel like I'm about to fall through a trap door into a pit of fire?
Sue Sylvester: Because you don't trust me. I know my methods are extreme. And I know I'm not like the rest of you hippies, caring about the kids' feelings as if they're real, but I do care about teaching. And when I coach them, and they win, I win. And you know how I feel about winning.
Will Schuester: I do.
Finn Hudson: [fed up listening to Will and Sue argue] Enough! I'm sorry, Mr. Schue, Ms. Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear mom and dad fight, those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday.
Terri Schuester: I think that I might be able to help you with your problems at school.
Will Schuester: Uh, thanks, Terri, but the last time you helped out at school, it didn't go over very well.
Terri Schuester: But...
Will Schuester: Besides, this is serious. I mean, Sue said she wouldn't rest until she saw me fired.
Terri Schuester: Well, all the more reason. You got to do whatever it takes, honey. You got to get down in the gutter if you want to win this.
Will Schuester: You are a terrible influence on these kids. I think you're dangerous and I think you teach them all the wrong lessons.
Sue Sylvester: I don't care what you think. I have a legacy to protect, William, and Glee Club is a part of that legacy, and I will win. And if it means I have to get you fired to do it, so be it.
Will Schuester: Sue.
[she ignores him]
Will Schuester: Hey, Sylvester, I'm talking to you.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, hey, buddy. I thought I smelled failure.
Will Schuester: Why'd you take the piano when it was my time up with the kids?
Sue Sylvester: A properly steam-cleaned piano is key to any successful music group.
Will Schuester: Sue, I am not done talking to you. What about all my sheet music? My kids need that music.
Sue Sylvester: Well, Will, the last thing your kids need is chronic sinusitis from the mildew I feared was infesting that old moldy paper.
Will Schuester: Oh, so, what? You sent it away for some testing?
Sue Sylvester: No. Burned it.
Sue Sylvester: [picking all the minority kids from Glee] See, Will, I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students.
Will Schuester: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue Sylvester: Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will, and maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter.
Santana Lopez: [quoting her news segment tagline] And that's how Sue sees it.
Sue Sylvester: Outstanding.
Principal Figgins: Sectionals is coming up. What are your co-director plans?
Will Schuester: Oh, we were actually... uh, we're each going to direct our own number.
Sue Sylvester: And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first. It'll be very civilized.
Will Schuester: Hmm, yeah.
Sue Sylvester: Very sportsmanlike, so...
Principal Figgins: This arrangement is pleasing to all.
Sue Sylvester: Isn't it?
Will Schuester: It's great.
Principal Figgins: Now... let's hug it out.
Will Schuester: [awkward laugh] I'd rather not do that
Sue Sylvester: I really don't see that happening.
Principal Figgins: This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching. It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.
Will Schuester: As we head into sectionals, I want to get some feedback, like what kind of stuff you guys would like to be doing. Is there anything, any music in particular, that you guys want to do?
Mercedes Jones: Could we maybe try something a little more... black?
Kurt Hummel: I agree. We do an awful lot of show tunes.
Rachel Berry: It's Glee Club. Not Krunk Club.
Mercedes Jones: Don't make me take you to the carpet.
Sue Sylvester: I wanna pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.
Quinn Fabray: The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.
Sue Sylvester: Ah, a chink in the armor, huh? I am going to create an environment that it so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.
Sue Sylvester: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.
Quinn Fabray: [stands at Rachel's locker after she closes it] Listen here, treasure trail. We're about to have a smack-down.
Rachel Berry: I don't want to have a confrontation.
[Passes Quinn and starts to walk off]
Quinn Fabray: Don't play stupid with me, stubbles. I'm having Finn's baby and you need to back off! I'm asking you as nice as I possibly can. Leave him alone.
Rachel Berry: [Stops walking and turns to Quinn] You're right. I-I've helped you not because it's the right thing to do, but because I had romantic ulterior motives. But just so we're clear, you're the one who's cheating.
Quinn Fabray: Excuse me?
Rachel Berry: [They start walking once again] I have on good authority that you're Sue Sylvester's mole and you can deny it all you want, but I know it's true.
Quinn Fabray: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Rachel Berry: [They walk up a flight of stairs] Sue's not on your side, Quinn; she's not on anyone's side but her own. Can you imagine what she's going to do when she finds out about your situation? She'll probably rip off your uniform with her bare hands.
[Rachel stops walking at the top of the stairs and turns to face Quinn]
Rachel Berry: All right. Every time you whisper in her ear you empower her to do more damage to the Glee Club. And right now, Glee Club is all you have. And if I were you, I'd recognise who my true friends are. And I'd practice a little more because you obviously have a lot you need to express.
Quinn Fabray: Oh, you have no idea!
[Quinn turns around and breaks into song as she sings 'You Keep Me Hangin' On']