Sue Sylvester: [after Will smashes her trophy] You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.
Quinn Fabray: [on regrets] Thinking "Trust Me" was a sensible birth control option.
Sue Sylvester: [journaling about having feelings for Will] True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.
Will Schuester: [defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank.
Sue Sylvester: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
Santana Lopez: [about Will telling the students about his regrets] Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Revenge. Fear. The merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. The first time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old.
Shelby Corcoran: Okay, a few of my kids may have toilet papered your choir room, but these two slashed the tires on all 26 of my students' Range Rovers. Those were gifts!
Will Schuester: Look, Puck and Finn made a mistake and - wait, you *gave* each one of your kids Range Rovers?
Shelby Corcoran: They were presents for making it to Nationals last year. We have a very generous booster club.
Will Schuester: If we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
Quinn Fabray: So you want us to T.P their choir room?
Will Schuester: Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh- maybe-maybe we should steal their school statue.
Kurt Hummel: Their school statue is a giant, bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.