Donna Meagle: You guys will never believe what I just found on Jerry's Facebook.
April Ludgate: A friend. Burn.
Bill Dexhart: [the parks department is watching Councilman Dexhart on TV] And to my wife: I apologize. All I can say is, I wasn't just having sex. I was making love to a beautiful woman. And her boyfriend. And a third person whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.
Mark Brendanawicz: Why does anybody wanna run for public office? You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.
Tom Haverford: Well, if you're squeaky clean like I am, there's no problem.
Mark Brendanawicz: Tom, you're married and you hit on women constantly.
Tom Haverford: Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal. Just window shopping. You can fly to Brazil, just don't enter the cave, am I right?
[Tom raises his hand but nobody high-fives him]
Leslie Knope: Hey, guys. What are you guys doing?
April Ludgate: Trying to see who has the least amount of dirt on them in case someone wants to run for office.
Dave Sanderson: Oh, well, it ain't Jerry, that's for sure. He's got a couple of 3-5-9s on him. Public urination.
Jerry Gergich: I don't like this game. Just don't like it.
[Jerry leaves the office]
Dave Sanderson: He's probably gonna anger pee in the courtyard.
Tom Haverford: Hey, Donna, let me ask you something: Do you hate black people?
Donna Meagle: Excuse me?
Tom Haverford: 'Cause apparently, in 1988, you donated money to the presidential campaign for... David Duke!
April Ludgate: The KKK guy?
Donna Meagle: I got a phone call. They said he would lower taxes.
[eating lunch together]
Ann Perkins: And he looked up at me and... he said, "Thank you. You saved my life."
Leslie Knope: [dismissively] Yeah. Hey listen, I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night.
Leslie Knope: I just have a few more questions for you, Ann. What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if, instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann Perkins: Those are all *insane* hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen!
Leslie Knope: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
Leslie Knope: [in talking head] Uh, no, there's more. Uh, one time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar; I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then it got weird.