Raj: You know, guys, my grandmother tends to make her food a little spicy. You might want to take it easy.
Burton Guster: [laughs] Please! I'm one quarter Jamaican.
Shawn Spencer: I'm also one quarter Jamaican.
Burton Guster: You are not. Stop telling people that.
Shawn Spencer: [re: the spicy food] Really, you're just fine?
Abigail Lytar: I taught English to children in Mumbai for a month. This is very authentic. What's the matter, Shawn, you don't like it?
Shawn Spencer: No, no, I think I like it too much. It's so authentic.
[Crying slightly from the spice. To Gus]
Shawn Spencer: Dude, I can't see anything out of my left eye.
Burton Guster: I see dead people.
Shawn Spencer: [Both drink some water] My god, even the water's spicy.
Burton Guster: Who does that?
Carlton Lassiter: I'm really sorry, Spencer, I can't play with you today. I'm about to go solve another case and do it in record time.
Carlton Lassiter: Hello.
Shawn Spencer: It is at this point that I must decide which part of that very bold statement to riff off of. Now, I can hone in on "another", which implies that he's solved more than one.
Abigail Lytar: That's pretty easy, though.
Shawn Spencer: Or I crack down on "record time" in posit that, for him, record time is, like, two and a half years.
Abigail Lytar: Good, not great.
Shawn Spencer: You drive a hard bargain.
Abigail Lytar: You love it.
Carlton Lassiter: I know! Why don't you go home and wait for me not to call you?
Shawn Spencer: He's just saying that so it'll be more dramatic later on when he has to ask for my help.
Abigail Lytar: More dramatic for who?
Shawn Spencer: I don't know.
[points to a random officer behind him]
Shawn Spencer: That guy, I guess.
Shawn Spencer: [to Abigail] This is Detective Carlton Lassiter. I do his job and sometimes his hair, though clearly not today.
Shawn Spencer: Look, I was humiliated by Lassiter. Carlton Lassiter. A challenge has been issued and I need every tool we've got.
Burton Guster: Are you calling me a tool?
Shawn Spencer: I'm calling you my partner, my logic braid, my magic wish machine.
Carlton Lassiter: At this point it looks like an accident.
Shawn Spencer: Like your hair.
Carlton Lassiter: Really? Down to hair jokes, now?
Juliet O'Hara: [Shawn emerges on the ladder next to her] Um, Shawn, you know this ladder is really built for one.
Shawn Spencer: Well, Jules, lots of things say they're built for one but can easily fit two people. Tanning beds, iron lung, that's just to name two.
Shawn Spencer: [to Raj's grandmother] I'm sorry, was this chicken seasoned with molten lava?
Shawn Spencer: [in a car, doing surveillance on Juliet and Raj on a fake date] Man, I don't like this.
Burton Guster: You don't like Juliet dating somebody.
Shawn Spencer: *Fake* dating. That's not it. It's this whole using-her-as-bait thing.
Burton Guster: You had no problem dangling his girlfriend out there as bait.
Shawn Spencer: Now you're changing the rules, aren't you? Look at Raj. He's getting awfully hands-y over there. Taking advantage of the situation like that!
Carlton Lassiter: [over the walkie talkie] No, he's definitely bugged by O'Hara dating this guy.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't leave the talk button on.
Shawn Spencer: I got a wedding invitation from Raj and Mina.
Abigail Lytar: Yeah?
Shawn Spencer: Yeah. It feels good, you know, bringing people together, watching them sail off into the sunset, giving a good guy the ol' "Happily Ever After." I felt for Raj. End of the day, we had a great deal in common.
Abigail Lytar: You gonna go?
Shawn Spencer: Nah. I barely knew that dude.
Abigail Lytar: Well, color me impressed.
Shawn Spencer: I'd rather color you with a variety of edible body paints.
Abigail Lytar: Duly noted.
Shawn Spencer: Besides, it wasn't that impressive. I solve a case every week and usually one around Christmas.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan.
Burton Guster: It's Azkaban.
Shawn Spencer: I've heard it both ways.
Burton Guster: No, you haven't.
Juliet O'Hara: Well, Lassiter's really got your goat, huh?
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, he does, and I want it back. God knows what he's doing to that poor thing.
Juliet O'Hara: You don't really believe in love curses, do you?
Shawn Spencer: Jules, I'm a psychic, I have to remain open to any number of - why? Do you?
Juliet O'Hara: Well, I think that everyone who's looking for a soul mate may at one time feel that there are outside forces conspiring against them.
[Shawn moves towards her]
Juliet O'Hara: Shawn, what are you doing?
[Shawn flashes on a nail beside her]
Shawn Spencer: It wasn't a curse.
[Pulls nail out]
Shawn Spencer: Not this time. Plastic. That wasn't going to hold Mina for long, now was it?
Juliet O'Hara: Snapped in two and painted to look like metal.
Shawn Spencer: This means we're looking for a real, flesh-and-blood human being or a genetically enhanced monkey. Either way, someone wanted to hurt this girl.
Shawn Spencer: [to Abigail, on the police station] This place was actually built by the Amish, which explains the complete and utter lack of zippers.
Shawn Spencer: What can I do for you...?
Shawn Spencer: Can I call you Roger?
Raj: First name's Rajesh.
Shawn Spencer: Let's stick with Roger.
Shawn Spencer: [to Raj] I'm going to tell you what I do. I don't want you to freak out because it's so cool, okay? I'm a psychic. A great and powerful psychic, whose powers inspire fear and awe in those who first experience them. I am a crime solving machine and I have closed over fifty cases - many without pants.
Shawn Spencer: [to Raj] As sure as I am that Gus will cause his own death, I know you are not cursed.
Abigail Lytar: So you came here to help Raj.
Shawn Spencer: Yes.
Abigail Lytar: And instead you got his brother arrested.
Shawn Spencer: That's correct.
Abigail Lytar: Business as usual?
Shawn Spencer: It's a process.
Burton Guster: [Re: Raj] Are you as jealous of this guy as I am?
Shawn Spencer: More. Except for the part where his girlfriends almost die.
Shawn Spencer: [to Raj] We've spoke to your other girlfriends.
Burton Guster: And we've concluded that they were all kind of hot.
Shawn Spencer: [Waiting in the dark when Raj and Juliet come home] Well, well, well. It's 11:20. Look who finally decided to come home.
Juliet O'Hara: [laughing] Oh, I'm sorry, Shawn. Are you upset about something?
Shawn Spencer: As a matter of fact I am... Raj.
Raj: What did I do?
Shawn Spencer: Look, I didn't like this idea to begin with. You've been on four dates now. It's been a complete and total failure.
Juliet O'Hara: No, Shawn, we've been on three dates.
Shawn Spencer: No. There was the carnival where Raj won you a big, fat, stuffed octopus. There was the long walk on the pier where he kept brushing your hair gently out of your face. Then there was dinner tonight where there was an awful lot of hand holding, and who could forget the coffee at the police department where you blushed and squealed and giggled like a school girl?
Juliet O'Hara: That was not a date. He was there to sign some papers. You were watching us?
Shawn Spencer: It's called surveillance. I surveillate things. I'm a prevailer of surveillarism. Let's not get caught up in word play. The point is, we've been at this little charade for three weeks and it's yielded a grand total of nada.
Juliet O'Hara: You're right.
Shawn Spencer: Course I am. You see that?
Raj: Look, it's clear that the killer doesn't think that Detective O'Hara is my girlfriend or maybe they still know I'm in love with Mina. We can keep at this for six months, we're still not going to get anywhere.
Juliet O'Hara: Unless we did something to remove all doubt, something big. I mean you said it yourself, the attacks only happen when Raj gets serious.
Shawn Spencer: Right.
Juliet O'Hara: [to Raj] Your entire family's going to the Holy Festival this weekend?
Juliet O'Hara: I have another idea. Raj... you wanna get married?
Juliet O'Hara: There's Mrs. Singh. She hates me and people don't hate me. I get Christmas cards from people I arrest.
Shawn Spencer: She doesn't hate you, okay?
Juliet O'Hara: Apparently I don't fit the picture of what her perfect Raj deserves. I am smart and I am fun and I am almost always in a good mood, damn it.
Carlton Lassiter: [after Shawn saves Juliet] What'd I miss?
Shawn Spencer: Not me getting slapped in the face.
Burton Guster: By a girl.
Abigail Lytar: Cause that didn't happen.
Shawn Spencer: [taking Abigail on a tour of the Police Station] This is my "I Told You So" room, where I like to gloat after a completely wild accusation turns out to be spot on. That's my "Oops" corner, where I apologize to people for being arrested after a completely wild accusation turns out to be just that. Over there is where you get gum. Free.
Shawn Spencer: All right, I'm sorry, no offense, but it's stupid that you people eat food this hot.
[Everyone stares at him]
Shawn Spencer: [to Abigail] I said "no offense", right?